The Girl Who Sails the Seven Seas
by MyCrtr
Summary: This is a story written and based on Love Live! School Idol Project, a continuation to the story A Matter of Family, . The main protagonists in this story are Umi Sonoda and the girl she loves. This story tells the start of their relationship, to catch up to Book 2 and A Matter of Family.
1. Foreword

_The Girl Who Sails the Seven Seas_ was written as a continuation of the expand universe of Love Live! from previous works. It continues the story arc of the relationship between Umi Sonoda and the girl she loves, focusing on the events that solidify Umi's purpose in the relationship.

This story was written in 7 chapters by Umi alone, in chronological order except for the first chapter. The purpose of this book is to show the background and initial of the relationship, and the change Umi goes through to get to where she is in the present (in _AMoF_ ).


	2. SpoilerAuthor

You have now reached the fourth book and congratulations and thank you for sailing this ship with me through a great time!

The writing style, skill, and concept are intended to go along with the progress, and seven chapters of this book is enough to pinpoint important events until now. Novel.

This book is where most of the references made in all other are pointing to. Even stories yet written or in progress will have links to take you back to these events. The long-awaited party, and the fateful encounter of Umi and her princess finally told.

Unlike the rest in the series, I have made the stories fixed for this would be the centre of the cobweb leading to open endings at various places in the series! Interpretations and alterations of this story are welcome (yeah, it's my story let people know about it!). Just be sure to tag or mention, as I would like to read other versions.

And to end my note, there is no mention of the name of the 'Girl' or Umi's girlfriend in this story.

-My


	3. Chapter 1: On the 10th at 10

...

 **On the 10th at 10**

Chapter 1

...

* * *

Dear diary, today was my first ever date and I was late…

* * *

 **A** t one o'clock precisely I was at the café still about Akihabara for at least I was not too unfamiliar with where I sat, for I had never stepped foot inside this bistro, rather, I could count the times in one hand that I had walked pass this area. I was not too engulfed by the buildings around and was not too crowded as well, and atmosphere, just left-over from the winter and too soon to be spring, that was perfect for me to be at my preference of _"ambient"_. People were chatting about but it had been awhile since I paid attention to the conversations at neighbouring tables, far neighbours at it since the place was not packed – there were other shops around so people were free to choose whichever attracted them the most, but she chose this particular one, _'the one with the white and orange banner at the front'_.

I was partially distracted too, I had never been out like this before as I tried my best to be at my best behaviour, that made the visit my family had to my respected aunt nothing compared to this. Though I was not wearing a family silk lined kimono or a formal blazer, I still had a coat over a dress. The dress that I thought was convenient to grab in a hurry as I remembered how my best friends found it appealing, had me a little embarrassed by where the dress ended, very high up my legs. But the keyword "appealing" was a good enough reason to wear it that day because I did not care for how exposed I felt I looked as long as I had not missed her, which first I thought I did.

There were admirable things in this world that I was too afraid to look for because the unfamiliarity, and she was one of them. For this was the first time I ever sat in front of a girl, or any other person, so privately in front of each other and sequestered ourselves. It was as if everything that would, had, and would have happened were just for the two of us and that scared me. I never saw myself participating on these sorts of meetings. Sure, I met Honoka and Kotori a lot, sometimes just with Kotori or just with Honoka but they never made me feel the way I felt around _her_.

I was on a date. She recently had her empty mug taken by the waitress and replaced by another of hot chocolate. Even though she had been staring at me, she took the time to look at the waitress too and smiled and thanked before the waitress left. Very rarely I had seen such kindness. It was not at all flirtatious as well because she had her eyes back at me in no time. I couldn't look away. I couldn't even talk when the waitress brought my drink – she thanked for me. I couldn't cover myself, I couldn't hide. I too was staring and so did my nose – her perfume was as fresh as the first day I met her.

'If I may ask, how many mugs have you had? It seemed that wasn't your first.' I asked.

'You don't want to know.' She replied with a titter and a twinkle.

'A-again I'm sorry, senpai.'

I was late for three hours. How rude, Umi, for a Sonoda to do that too! It was supposed to be at 10 we meet but I took too long to decide. That day I was not at all together, as I was in argument with myself – with nothing foreign as my fear and my reason clashes, and fear had always won. But with whim I had broken my ways to actually go on the date with perseverance, because I was indecisive, but I never would want to miss another chance with a girl for something called love since the ballroom party. Content with fear and content with reason I sprinted a marathon. Around 12:50 I came to the café lane but I could not find her and I broke down crying, which I thought I had let her down, that I had let another girl slip by. But gladly I had not, because she came to me, even though I was late for three hours, from one of the café I didn't pay attention to. And I was relieved, I was given a chance and never once I rue this decision.

'That's the third time you apologised, is it going to be like this back and forth the whole day?' She dragged the mug closer to the centre of her territory. She coated it with her palms. 'While we're at it, I don't think this place offer split billing so I'll pay for it this time. I mean, I ordered most of them anyway.'

'I-I can pay it for myself too, it's only fair to at least split equally. Besides, I'm your underclassman, it should be me the one who pays the whole bill if we were going to.'

'So you already thought this through?'

'Well… I have. I have. I heard that one pays everything on dates, even though two people are involved. I don't see how that's fair. So I don't see where that date would go well.'

'Like poise then? I like that you think about the small things, Umi.'

That was the first time she said anything she liked since I first met her, that Monday at school. I just realised it, the way she talked too, she barely said anything that directly related to her as she often talked about me or in third person. To be honest I had not heard much about herself, yet the first fact I wrote in my diary about this senior was the fact that she liked how I think.

'Are you alright?' She said after she put down her mug that was steaming in front of her face earlier. Apparently, she noticed me staring.

'I-I'm… I'm fine, senpai. Pardon me.'

We continued to talk but I was still a closed book; as she described it a year after that day. Since my snack had not arrived while she had munched on almost half of hers, she asked the waitress again about my order. She told me that _bystro_ actually means " _hurry"_ , that places like this called so because East European soldiers shouted "быстро" when they wanted to be served quickly in French pubs during wartime around 19th century. I still barely knew her that time that I still had not asked her where she came from, but all I knew she was a European-Japanese. Her name clearly says she's Japanese but the first name does overlap with biblical reference, English or maybe American if so. French or Dutch perhaps as she did not show much of a definitive accent but charismatic. But her hair suggested a Scandinavian descendance. How far from Eastern Europe that she knew that little fact? With all those assumptions never have met another foreigner.

'Look, I don't know how comfortable you are around people,' she told the thinker in front of her. 'I also don't know much about you, but I don't want to assume and I don't want to guess, because there might be things that I would say that makes _you_ uncomfortable. And I definitely don't want that.' After she had sipped on the chocolate as I saw the level decreased since she last held it, she moved it to the side. Nothing else on the table was separating us. 'How about you tell me something about yourself instead?' Despite what she confessed, herself was more of a profound philosopher than I was.

'Um,' I started, 'I have an older sister.' A mere coincidence I picked up, that my sister had recently called that Saturday to congratulate me after I got accepted to Otonokizaka and after my first week of high school.

'I see. I wonder if you look alike.' She talked as she giggled. 'Were you close?'

'I suppose. We were, though.'

'What made you say that?'

'Well,' I began, 'we were close when I was younger, like best friends. Then she moved out when she got married. We haven't been talking for a long time and that was what I most remembered – that we were distant. But I grew up and we started to get in touch now and then. Well, between us we have a large age gap back then.'

'And that means you have a closer gap now?'

A smile started to appear, which I noticed from the eyes only then her mouth. We both laughed. Cheeks were stretched so much I could feel mine flexed, that she also had to close her mouth. I finally had opened up to her and my speech was no longer in nibbles even though I already felt comfortable sitting with her. We had definitely set sail.

'I like your smile,' she said.

Immediately my laugh stopped, while she still had a little bit on her left, she held her mug high again. I could still feel my cheeks in pain, sore from the workout. It was the second time she mentioned about her likes, again I jotted it down in my diary. Yet again, the first two things I knew something personal about this person had me in them. How long had she known me that she was comfortable enough to mention me in her likings, and said it so frankly?

I started to wonder what her thoughts on oceans were and if it had something to do with her liking.

'I'm sorry to ruin the moment, senpai.' I broke her giggle and her sip. 'You've been asking and we've been talking a lot, especially about me. But you barely mention anything about you.'

'An hour into our date and you only mention this to me now?' The two of us continued lightening up. 'Thank you,' she said to the waitress with my platter, finally. 'How's your tea?' she asked to me again, without I realised I had not touched it – it was unsurprisingly cold. I started to snack while she on hers. 'I asked all those questions because I wanted to know about you. And now I know how to approach you.'

'Approach me?' I asked whilst I still had food in my mouth – how shameful of me.

'Well, I don't want to say the wrong things and ruin what we have.' And here was when she told me all her secret. 'You see, I'm sitting here trying my best trying not to interpret you, because I don't want to hurt the people around me especially ones I care about. Do you notice that people get offended when we say things about them _they thought_ we don't know? That's why I wanted to know as much as I can about you before I could clumsily drive you away.' Then she began to read aloud my own bibliography. 'I read a lot of books, Umi, and you can learn a lot about life from them. You can relate how people behave in history through novels. An encyclopaedia can tell you the size of each pyramid. You can say " _good"_ in any language as long as you have a dictionary. A text book can tell you how many bones there in our vertebra are.' Then she began to question my own comfort zone. 'Books can tell you a lot about life but can you truly experience it? A chef can write for you what your roasted milk-tea tastes like, but does the chef know that it's cold and how different it tastes to the ones you usually drink? Shakespeare can tell you what love is but is it similar to the one you experienced yourself?'

I suddenly felt the urge for something to say but I didn't know what it was.

'For all I know,' she continued, 'if I could get a book about you I would study it cover to cover, but I'd rather meet you instead and experience it myself. And I can bet you there's no book about me that describes the butterflies in _my_ stomach. So instead, I chose to hear you say what's written in your book. You, Umi, yourself can correct that book as you read it aloud.'

Though I still couldn't get a whiff of her likes, I realised, and I learned how she interpreted the world around her and it was enough reason to move me. She was a woman of civility; a beau idéal for us all. Somehow, again, it was about me. I began to question her, in my head: "How many books do you have? What is your favourite category? Do you read any books that I might heard of? What is your favourite book? Do you want to look at my collection? Do you want to read mine?"

'I appreciate you for coming out here to see me, to experience this with me. Maybe to write a book of our own.'

For the longest time since I remembered, since my sister left, books had been my best friends. During that time, I befriended a lot of people, met historical figures, adopted a pet velveteen rabbit, made enemies, fell in love with princesses of colourful dresses, and went on amazing adventures. It seemed that I knew the world just from sitting in my living room. Honoka and Kotori had to try their best to get me out of the house, but at the same time I never liked it when they played out without me. I often cry when they took me out and left me behind to the point I couldn't find them and too afraid to look as I might get lost. So often I barricaded myself inside my fortress with bricks of books. I never met anyone who could penetrate it, even Honoka and Kotori never got through cleanly, but somehow my senior flamboyantly strolled in the one week I knew her.

'So, I've given you my thoughts,' she said while she rested her head on her palm. 'How about me? What have you read so far?'

I was caught off guard. I wasn't prepared for this, I never thought I had to either. The times I first met my cousins, my distant family members, I never had gone through this. I met and knew a lot of people, some were even highly respected family members from my mother's side, but never had I met someone like the duchess.

She kept looking at me as if there was nothing else happening that was worth her time. From her speech to her attention I was her sole focus. I never read this on novels or any other books that I was aware of, that someone could be so centred and to be able to catch _my_ attention so much. She made me ruddy. Nothing that she did made me embarrass about myself until I thought hard about it. I tried so hard to stay out of public recognition by maintaining a traditional etiquette, like a routine, which I admit I was a furtive girl for almost ten consecutive years, and I lost it in an instant by this beautiful senior whom highlighted me with a spotlight.

'I wish my friends are as grown-up as you are. Sometimes they're so childish, that they often got ahead of themselves.' I finally replied and began to share again, without I realised, even though all I wanted was to ask and to know the person in front of me. 'We are already in high school and even on the first day they played until they left me. I felt like I have two children to take care of.'

'You know, Umi, there's a quote: " _Childhood is measured out by sounds and smells and sights, before the dark hour of reason grows_." For all I know I'm still in my childhood and until I face something harsh about the world I can call myself " _grown-up"_ , and I'm not looking forward to that. A little playfulness once in a while won't hurt, right?'

'I guess,' I replied. 'Do you know what _my_ favourite line is, senpai?' I finally asked after I waited in case she had something more to say that I would gladly listen, or perhaps another point I could write on her page. But more importantly, I finally asked her a question again, but it was about me. I realised suddenly how least I talked about myself with anyone else, even with Kotori and Honoka, especially with Kotori and Honoka. It felt so pleasing to be selfish for once but I had no worry, because she was listening to every one of my syllable. I continued while she minimised her distance to me to gaze intently. 'It's, " _Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth_." Until you give me a mask I'll show you my childish self, senpai.'

I put up a banner of a smile while I replayed the sentimental, olfactory experience of the first girl I ever fell in love with, the one from the ball, the one escaped my grasp because of my fear, the one who made me realise in life I had to give in to dare, the one I could not get. The girl in the red dress.

There were some I found peculiar about how I see my senior and my vixen, like the olfactory experience where I found unrelated knots of ribbons between them, but somehow they felt indistinguishable. The deviant in front of me, however, was silent and was not impressed. She still looked surprised since the last I spoke. It was as if she was biting her tongue. I may had set-off something that made _her_ self-conscious, that I had not paid attention to how my speech would impact the people closest to me while she had been doing it since we first met. How selfish of me.

'I-I heard it from someone I met… some time ago.'

'Sounds like she's a wonderful person.' She sounded so sorrowful with her acquiescence as soon as I mentioned something about the girl in the red dress. It was something I had not seen her do that began to crinkle our secret idyll.

Right from the start I already knew what a date supposed to mean: about the two persons involved trying their best to appreciate the company. It was never about one with another except it was a topic in mind; but I had slipped, and I fell hard. I was definitely at blame, as I was on a date with my senior and I had wrecked the ship she one-handedly skippered.

'Um, senpai?' I called. She lifted her head again and I saw her clearly while her fringe had her face partially covered – I wanted to clear it so desperately. Her eyes, unlike any of the people I knew, were so blue that shows clarity of a sky and distance one would take to reach heaven. From our conversation, I got some portion of her way of thinking. And with it I tried my best to interpret how _she_ would fix the situation, but I first had to ask if she would like to stay. 'I have some things to ask about our school. Since you're my senior I thought I could get some insights. S-should… should I call to refill your mug?'

I thought it was not fair of me to talk about someone I loved, for all I knew she was hurt, though they were very similar; they even made me feel the same way. There were things about the wunderkind before me that reminded me of that girl. Something about her long hair, something about her posture, something about smile. But they couldn't be. If only my senior could just take me by the hand and dance with me right there, I may confirm it. Or maybe she could just hold me by the sides of my neck and almost kissing me, it would be magnificent, and I could definitely confirm it. But again, if they were the same person, they would had told me by then…

'Sure.' She smiled once again. 'Maybe a roasted milk-tea for me. Thanks, Umi.'

Thus we talked further about school, how she observed it and I asked some tips on how should I go through it, since she already knew so much about me. Almost forgotten until she pointed out, I ordered two of the same drinks for us and it was served _bystro_. We each took one and continued. I began to ask questions about her and her opinions about other things – such about history and literature – and she responded with enthusiasm as if she had forgotten what had made her glum. Until then I still had not heard much about her but I got her personality. From the start I knew she was kind and caring, and from that date I knew she was smart.

And she was beautiful, just like the girl in the red dress.

...

For a while we were talking, and we still had not moved to anywhere else, except our eyes from staring into one to the next one. Without us realising, the sky had turned donker and the night lights from the shop and around suddenly turned on. This shocked the two of us, for which it made us quiet at the time as I was pretty sure had been staring at my senior when she talked. We looked around and to the sky to make sure it was definitely dark and not just a cheap trick to ruin our moment. My date dug into her bag and pulled out her phone whilst I pulled on my sleeve and looked at my watch. I began to panic.

Her thumb started to tap on the phone, and she started to type. I was oblivious, I forgot to check the time though I had looked at my watch so I rechecked. It was…I was not paying attention. But I was mindful of the grace. She was focused, from where it looked like, she was typing a message to someone she knew because it was for hours.

In my mind I was scared on what she might do next. I was sweating head over heels. There was a possibility that she had other plans after our date, or perhaps she had to meet someone else. I had not figured out much about this girl yet I was in shambles. I was afraid if she knew someone as much as she knew me just from the way she _approached_ me she could easily be close with another. A part of me thought that, but mostly the thought of how badly I did not want her to leave clouded me. I had so far enjoyed the time I spent with her, I never thought spending time with someone would turn into a such a memorable moment that time flew so quickly.

I drank on my tea impatiently and played with the handle as I restlessly waited, but I did not want to finish that last quarter just yet. I wanted a few more hours to finish my drink and my date. So I waited. Waited, and waited. Waited until she pressed the edge of the phone to lock it and set it face down on the table. She folded her arms again with one high to rest her head on again.

'Sorry about that.' She shone a smile on me again and the spotlight returned to me. 'You were saying something about the school dojo?' She had indeed paid attention to me even before, whilst I was the least. Even then she still waited for me to continue when suddenly her phone vibrated, which she picked up and looked at.

'Do you...' I finally spoke in a despondent manner, 'do you have to get that?' Anxiously too.

She looked at me with her phone still near her, because of the light her face was lit by a different shade than the one I was used to. Then the corners of her mouth lifted. 'It's just a message, Umi.' She replied and locked it again, while her other hand reached for her bag. 'I was just saying that I'll home be a little late tonight.' She put it in, zipped, and set aside that I was sure the next time it would vibrate, none of us would be aware of it. 'You don't have a problem with that, do you?' she eloquently asked.

'No!' I said to her as soon as she asked. While she was still surprised by my wit, I realised she was thinking the same way, that we did not want this to end, probably not just yet. I reflected her smile on me. 'Not at all, senpai.'

'Then I'm glad. I like your smile, Umi.'

The third point I highlighted on my diary, the same point I copied from the second. Based on the list, if I had to give a present, one that overlapped these three points were _me_. It was embarrassing to look back, trying to undo my smile but I couldn't help it, but I was not so bright back then, that I had not realised what she truly liked.

'As much as I wanted to stare in silence too,' she finally woke me, 'you seemed to forget what you were saying. I hoped you didn't forget what I said a second ago.' Her giggle made me pay attention to her more than anything else, as I too liked her smile. 'You seemed to know a lot about your culture and tradition, and I guess you enjoyed them too. There are a few traditional activity clubs, maybe you would be interested in them. Also, do you mind teaching me _shōgi_ the next time we meet? Well, it doesn't have to be the next one.'

'I'm not really good at it but my father is. At least I know how to, so I can probably teach you, senpai. But to win, I can't really guide you.'

'I'm sold. Thanks, Umi. Maybe if I win I will teach it back to you.'

'So,' I slowed the pace. 'There's a next time?'

'I'm getting ahead of myself, am I?' She shyly thought and looked away. It was the first time that she talked without her gaze, but in return I was at her. She looked adorable. 'I can honestly say I had a lovely day today.' She peeked at me and then away. 'I don't see anything went wrong either, and I hoped that I didn't say anything that offended you or make you uncomfortable.'

'O-of course you didn't, senpai!'

'Good.' She returned her stare. 'So I don't see why we shouldn't have another meeting like this. Besides, I've known you this far, more than I've known anyone for months.' She led the laugh again. 'I'm willing to continue this. And as you said, since this involves two people, isn't it only fair if you ask me next time?' For the longest time I paid attention to her facial features, the eyes were the most mesmerising as we locked our stares again. Every movement she made with her eyes, looking at something, I noticed it. 'You proved to me your commitment by coming here today, and believe me, that made my day. So let me prove you my commitment too.'

Hearing _her_ said _that_ made _my_ day. But we had not said anything to each other yet. It had been a while since we just stared and shyly drank our teas just to cover ourselves up – I knew mine was already empty but nevertheless I pretended just to cover my coy smile.

...

This was my confession. I did not need any more proof that I had definitely fallen in love with this senior.

Although she was not my first love.

...

I felt with the silence between us for a few minutes we had understood each other. We did not need to say it aloud but we did enjoy each other's company and we never wanted that day to end. In my early definition, this was definitely a successful date. So I stalled a little further.

'Oh, there's a book I've been reading.' I pulled out my favourite book. A second too late until I realised that she knew about the book from when we met but I showed her anyway, again. Imbecile.

'You should take care of this better, you know.' She pulled her chair forward. 'How old is this anyway?'

'I-it's about six to seven years old. It's my mom's and she handed it to me.'

'Well,' she turned the book around again after she had read the synopsis, 'tell your mother she has a great taste. So tell me about the book.' She opened and slowly yet carefully the pages.

'Um… It's about the narrator and his friend. The seamstress...'

'No, no. I'm not talking about the story.' She closed the book for a second with a finger as her bookmark, that cleared my view of her face once again. 'I meant your story with this book.' Then again she opened and skimmed through.

'Oh,' I started by planning where I should begin. 'It's my favourite book. And it's my first English book too.' I took my chair closer as close as her stomach was to the edge of the table, and without realising I was only a few inches away to the senior. 'I had some trouble with English so I reread every chapter to understand it. It took me through middle-school to get to where I am.' I pulled down by the top of the book that she was holding, so that she held the book at the centre of the table. I helped her flipped the pages to about the end, somewhere in the last two chapters of the book. 'The second paragraph on the right. That's where I'm at now, but I'm more fluent than I was years ago, so I got on quickly. There was a time that I had completely forgotten this book, and what makes it so special that it comes back to me after years.'

'Let me ask you something, then.' She finished her skim and scan and closed it. Properly she held it, and properly she hugged it too as if she were taking care of her own book. 'How much are you willing to let me borrow this book?'

I was speechless to even reply her request. The book that I held so tightly just that morning, was asked to be taken from me. But I had seen how she handled the book so carefully and how she carefully took care of my feelings throughout this date, and I was actually, for the slightest moment, was alright if someone as mindful as her were to borrow it.

'Then how about this,' she reopened the negotiation, 'I happen to be reading a book too. It's not my favourite, but it's kind of… thrilling.' Just like how I was earlier, she took her bag and pulled out a book, a thicker one. It was _Perfume: The Story of a Murderer_. I was shaken just by the title, but she explained. 'Don't worry I'm not into these sort of things, you just happen to catch me reading this book, but I was reading it for the English too. Anyway, how about if we exchanged books. I'll keep yours as long as you keep mine, and I promise to take care of it. That way when you want your book back, you can ask me out.'

Again, I could not talk as long as she had the deck. I was not saddened by the rob of my favourite novel, nor I would disagree on the amusing offer, but I was touched that I was about to be handed one of her own belonging to be entrusted to. I looked at the very first thing of hers that she was willing to lend. A book, something I treated with great importance.

'Though, if you're not okay with it I'll understand.' She suddenly made an attack with wide saddened eyes she displayed. Something I never thought she had in her. 'I'll figure out something else to anchor your promise.'

'It-it's okay, senpai!' I quickly told the girl when she was about to hand me back my book. Mirrored again, I hugged the book I was holding. 'You can borrow my book. I don't mind. Besides, I'm almost finished, I have two chapters left and I'm willing to hold the conclusion of the story, at the same time hold on to your book. Actually,' I paused to give a thought to my speech, hoping that she would understand what I meant, 'I hope you won't mind if I take my time… adjusting to your book. I'm kind of new to this story and I have no frame of reference. I'll also need two of my dictionaries to help me through.'

'I understand.' She giggled. 'By the way, you didn't hide that very well.' She giggled again but I hid myself with her book. I read a lot of books, I wrote a lot on my diaries, I was excellent in literature, but she made me dumb. 'Take as much time as you need, Umi. Just like this morning, I waited but I got you to come anyway. Learning from that, until you are ready you just take your time. But I can assure you,' she paused dramatically, to lower the book to see my ruddy face, 'I will look forward for you to finish your last chapters.'

...

For the second time the lights to the shops changed. This time however, some dimmed and some were off but there were still enough for us to see each other because I could see the complexion of grandeur; her hair and her eyes still glowed. We wondered again until the waitress came to us to warn that the shop was going to close in about 30 minutes, and she came with a momentary bill asking for last calls. The senior snatched it before I could take a peep and scrutinised. She mumbled her lips while she read it like a book, as if she were counting it. It did not look like she was the type of person who would not trust the waitress after she had been so nice, but maybe it was the number of orders she made before I arrived. I felt guilty again.

'Okay,' she said after she was done and smiled at me. She pushed back and ready to stand. 'I'll be right back. Can you look out for my bag for me?' I nodded while she took the wallet out and headed to the counter by leaving her bag on the table, where she had recently put my book into.

So I did, I waited as she went and her hair fell from the shoulder to her back. I recognised it somehow, the way she walked with her back facing me, somehow I had seen it before but I could not pull it out of me from where or when. I was sure I did not feel the same when I shortly walked behind her at school that Monday and I was sure I had never seen her anywhere else.

'Umi,' she called to me as she sat back down and unzipped the bag that I unconsciously zipped, to put her wallet back. 'You're sleeping with your eyes open. Are you alright?'

'Y-yes, senpai. I'm sorry. I was remembering something… How much was it?'

'I'm not telling. They forgot to bill us one so I told them about it before I pay.' She then brushed her hair until they land on her shoulder again, she slightly twirled it too. Finally, she combed again for the hair near her ears so I could see her them and the earrings too. 'So, we have about 25 minutes left. It's getting very late isn't it?' She rested her head on her palm once more, but this time she added a tilt to her head.

'It seems so,' I replied.

Thus we began our staring contest one last time, where neither of us talked. Most of the time we were not smiling, compared to the previous, though sometimes she slipped once in a while. It must had been minutes.

'It's a nice night tonight isn't it, Umi?'

'It's a little cold.'

'You have a nice coat.'

'Thank you, senpai. Your jacket is too.'

We made small talks and complimented each other without looking away but we knew they were terrible so we laughed until finally we broke contact.

'Can I ask you something then?' She said after we had settled down.

'Ah, s-sure, senpai. What is it?'

'How long are you going to stare until you ask me my phone number?'

'I-I'm sorry, senpai! I completely forgot.' I quickly let go of the book I was hugging that whole time and took out my phone, as I was engulfed by the moment. In split seconds that I was in panic, between the pressure for taking her phone number before we got kicked out and the curiosity on the messages I received from Honoka and Kotori. Without I realised I had been reading my phone for too long.

'Is someone looking for you?' She woke me up again.

'Oh, it's my friends, they were looking for me.' I handed her my phone to put her number in. 'As soon as I get home I have to explain everything to them, because I haven't told them about… this date. They sometimes left me out of things and I never appreciated that. But I'm glad I have them.'

The senior finished her typing on my phone and handed it back to me. I had to make sure she had saved it because I would throw myself overboard if I were to lose another girl. So I checked to find that she had taken a photo as a profile picture without I realised. The photo she took was cute, she even winked. It made butterflies of my stomach; and I finally knew about the book she meant, about how she felt earlier that date. I looked up at her again, without knowing what to say.

'Um…' I was still blind, deaf, and dumb. 'You forgot your honorific, senpai.'

'Leave it.' She smiled again. 'Now, I gave you that phone number and it is yours to do whatever you want because I trust you. You've earned it. But one thing you can't do, is that you can't ask me out on the phone. Go out of your ways and seek me out, only then I'll say _yes_.'


	4. Chapter 2: Masquerade

...

 **Masquerade**

Chapter 2

...

* * *

Dear diary, today I met a girl in a red dress…

* * *

 **T** he boulevard was packed as everyone tried to enter the gala and there was no proper lane for it. It was densely packed, well-dressed adults for a social event they meant to attend. People jostled by each other and hampered. Through the high metal fence everyone could see the green yard and the three-floored grand mansion. Cars were parked outside as securities by the gates checked out individual invitations before one entered – the cause for the crowded, bottlenecked entrance. The street lights helped them check and kept everyone lit. Chitter-chatter started even from outside among couples and friends, or even working colleague. It was a high-social event.

Various characters with plain expressions I saw just from across the road where I had my space. People kept coming at a constant rate and yet I could not see two of my friends. I had a blue kimono short dress that my mother bought a long time ago, that I had it in my dresser, and only then I got the chance to wear – my mother also insisted me on wearing earrings and tied a bun of my hair, which I felt embarrassed about and afraid I would be too much of an accent. I just didn't want to be so substantial. About half an hour after the time we promised, I still stood under the street lamp hoping I could be easily spotted but not so much for an attention. I didn't have my precious book because Honoka and Kotori forbid me to bring. So the only entertainment I had was the un-replied messages and un-answered calls, along with the sea of strangers before me.

I thought I was tricked to come so early, but I was relieved when Honoka and Kotori finally came south of where I stood, noticing me just as they showed up by the lane. They wore their own dresses and they looked very well in them – as a matter of fact, as I realised it as I got home that I was the only one wearing a traditional dress. They panted as they took a rest near the lamp post. Of course I ended up helping them fix their dresses and their hair, since the reason they came late because of the time they took to prepare. Kotori was expecting to meet someone there and took a longer time to get ready, mentally too.

While I helped Honoka, Kotori was searching for the invitations in her bag. Makeup, mask, perfume, and phone were in there she even pushed aside. She dug deep without a shovel, but she couldn't find the other besides the two she held up. She became restless.

Kotori had the three invitations given by her mother, the chairwoman of the school which we just got accepted to. It turned out, as Kotori explained a few days prior to that date, the event held just behind the sky-scraping fence was a fund raiser thrown by a well-known doctor who grew up in the area whom had just opened a private hospital. So a few hospital management persons, doctors and specialists were invited. Various well-known families, and private companies and industries were requested to the big event too. Kotori's mother was invited as well and she was allowed to bring 5 guests, though she only needed two – the head teacher and a guest whom she brought along. The principal wouldn't share anything more, before herself got a confirmation regarding the hurdle she came to resolve. Kotori was also clueless on this matter especially because she looked forward to enjoy the party, and with Honoka and I.

But it seemed that Kotori had forgotten the other invitation, even after we let her search thoroughly and calmly. But that actually made _us_ troubled. We were on heated debate on which of two of the other should enter because we were the bestest best friends that none of us would want to enter by leaving the other. But being the stubborn one among us, Honoka actually convinced us to sneak the other one in. The one was I.

So, Kotori walked in front, I was squeezed in the middle, and Honoka was at the end. Kotori was supposed to be the nice person for the guards to greet, I was supposed to be silent, and Honoka was supposed to be attracting every attention; so that my dread wouldn't be paid attention to. We jostled like the others to get through, or to at least shift ourselves along with each wave. And they bought it, only two invitations were shown for three. We cramped the crowd and we got in before we crowed.

...

The mansion was widely massive, as it took us the whole two minutes just to turn our heads. The yard we stood on was enclosed by the buildings around, as itself had north and south wing. There we saw clusters of people socialising as they drank and laughed. There I saw them with my own space, unlike how I got myself into when we entered through the gates.

Suddenly Kotori tugged on my dress and dragged me inside, as she was by Honoka. We entered through the one on our left, the north-wing as it seemed as I had already lost my bearing. And it was brightly lit, compared to where I stood earlier that night. The walls and curtains were detailed with classical Western decors, tall and lean pillars on the ground floor while I could see shorter on the floor above. Tiles of granite and table clothes with matching décor as well. The mansion was not really packed and noisy as I imagined. We entered through the ground floor as we could see the first by where we stood, people talked and leaned on decorated metal railings. Again, people were in clusters and we helped ourselves with nibbles of snacks served by the well-suited servants – Western snacks I never tasted before, though they had some Japanese too.

The room that we entered, strangers were sort of lifeless, as many sat on cushioned settees and _chaises longues_ , and had the least activity by far. The clusters inside had fewer members in them too. So, the small hall was a little quiet though we did hear laughs and clinking of glasses.

We only spent a few minutes there as Honoka got easily bored by the "social" ambiance of the wing, until Honoka ran off again. This time we found ourselves through one of the hallways of the mansion, with another set of elegant décor, that I imagined would be connected to the centre building. There we walked passed a diversity of art collections between pillars and between windows. We found statues and paintings mostly. Some were traditional displays too. I looked at the paintings and their descriptions, while Kotori and Honoka were half-way down the hallway probably doing the same. We took our own space, as it was the emptiest and serenest I could find myself in since the start of that night. Finally, my heart could rest that I thought I didn't have to be in a crowd. I wouldn't mind spending my whole night at that hallway either, though I was glad I didn't.

...

Of course, for Honoka that didn't last long. I only heard a cry from Kotori before I turned my head and saw them gone through the hallway. My worst fear came as fast as they were running, until my friends completely abandoned me. I was left at an estranged place among strangers. Grim chill crawled up my legs and my spine but not yet to my head. So I hurried after them after I downheartedly let myself froze. I ran through the hallway, which in fact attracted attentions of the few. As I ran pass the rest of the displays I began to hear music and crowd, louder and clearer between each step I made, until I turned to my right as I got to the end of the hallway and went through the half-opened door.

Here, the main hall of the mansion, worth two-storeys high and worth triple the décor and worth quadruple the amount of people I had seen that night. As far as the eye could see it was filled with well-dressed adults of various nationalities too, but still not an expression in sight except for a menacing odour my nose picked up. There was an ensemble with music playing from the corner of the hall and crowd was loud all-round, too busy to turn their heads to look at me, apparently.

I was a lost rabbit among predators.

I panicked in terror, as I still had a lot of dreams a head of me and a career I wanted to pursue but I didn't know my life would end so fast; a calm, merry life that I could had spend the rest of our Sonoda ménage in peace with my lover, with honest work just to keep my smile and to spoil me whenever, while I work from home maybe a path on literature while I wait for my beloved who has the other pair of the ring to come home to my arms of love, the true lifestyle of luxury that in my eyes found priceless. Or rather, if I knew what was going to happen, I never knew my life were to begin so soon.

Through the pack I slipped by, quickly and in cold sweat too. All I wanted to do was to call out to my friends but I was afraid I was going to be looked at by others whose names were not the ones I called. I would be embarrassing myself if I did. So I kept walking and turning my head without a voice. I breathed in difficulty and tripping. I couldn't even pardon myself when I accidentally stumbled onto a girl.

Click

A rare European red fox. A girl so elegant in her a red dress. The hands were covered by black gloves and her legs with black stockings to her thighs. There were roses on her and a centre piece of pink, all the sheer magnificence of essence I could sniff out of the young lady. Her figure and her appearance was like among the others, so respectable. Just like the pillars she was tall and lean, and just like the décor her dress was well-ornamented. Of all the guests she was wearing a mask, white and that it covered her cheekbones and her forehead, with blue feathers on the side as if they were her trophy from her recent hunt – of a bluebird or a blue jay – one of which was my favourite colour. The mask provided enough opening for her eyes that were so mesmerising along with the shade of smile below, but they were nothing like shadow with opals of ocean blue and I was the miner. " _Why would she wear a mask?"_ I asked myself over and over.

'Would you like to dance?' the red velveteen vixen invited with her left reached out for me. 'We're in the dance floor after all, and I figure you were looking for a partner.'

I wasn't prepared for this, she caught me off my feet.

In awe of the girl I still couldn't muster a voice, but I was no longer troubled. Just by her presence, she was pleasant and accommodating. All the anxiety I had suddenly lifted and only tranquillity was bestowed on me. But apparently I took too long to answer that the girl had to take my hand from my chest and dragged me forward, to a clearing. I hadn't answered her but I felt advocated to go with her myself. A new song just started, apropos, so did my heart.

'Do you have a name?' she asked.

'I-I'm… Umi.'

'Do you know how to dance, Umi? I'll lead.'

...

We stood in front of each other. With her gloved hands she picked up mine and raised it to shoulder-high and took a step back, so our arms were reasonably extended. She told me to follow her steps until told otherwise. I didn't know why because I wouldn't had given my name to a stranger, and I would had not given my hand to a stranger, but I did.

In the middle of the grand hall the floor was quite empty from where I stood, her flower and her mask were the only thing I paid attention to, with my heart playing a tune of their own, my docile heart danced with her.

With her left foot she took a long step forward, so I took my right foot far back. Then left, right, and left again, until we were definitely at the centre of the cleared dance floor, and we closed our feet together. She released her right hand and told me to hold onto her uncovered shoulder, and with that she put her hand under my shoulder blade and our elbows raised high. There I felt the cold and smoothness of her fair silk skin. The hand on my back pulled me close until our feet were on toes with each other, and our chests closer but I wasn't so much as crushing her flowers – even with Kotori and Honoka I had never been this intimate even for a hug.

Our hearts seemed to be in 4/4 along, held together by the band of brass and woodwind, but mine skipped a beat.

I never experienced a modern or even Western dance in my life, an impromptu dance if I may highlight, but my mother had taught me traditional dances as she was skilful. My feet coordination was at least familiar with dance movements my mother showed, so I was not so much glued to the floor and no longer tripping. But my mother never told me that a dance could make two people in love, and definitely not about lost in the moment – for once I was lost but I was content.

We took a few short steps to the side and another few long, with a smooth motion. We timed our tiptoes along with the song while we mind the space available for our stage of romance. Then we redirected our flow of dance, to my left. And we repeated this movement twice until we got to the other side of the floor. The same pace we maintained and no rush in it. I began to get used to this, as if I had a short thread between my toes and hers, that I didn't go too far from hers. Before we switched to another direction that she would again lead, we made a half-spin before the promenade to the centre.

Then there at centre once again, she promptly made a 3-quick spin of our stance, in a clockwise direction that drifted us around at the same time, before we distanced each other again and held hands. She told me to anchor that current position. Then we made a step to the left of our partner, then back to our anchor. Then again a step to the right of our partner, then back to our anchor. Then another left as a final, but she took our held hands above and around our heads. We released each other before she spun and pulled me over to meet her at where she made a stance.

Our feet stepped and crossed but never slid.

So started the chorus with a pivot she told me to tip with my right foot as she placed hers next to mine, and she made an exciting quicker twirls together, while I watched the whole world spun around just for the two of us. Then we returned to our verse routine with of course, not forgetting to take a freeze and made a slow retracted turn. And to end it off, she gave me an overhead twirl and caught my hand from my back that looked like she hugged be from behind and made an underarm twirl to get me back in place, face-to-face. And for the grand finale, she leaned forward that made me flex back and gave me a show to the world before she pulled me back for the final stance as the song ended.

We were like a perfect pair, and I had fallen for the princess. She was a symphony of my compassion.

...

Everyone applauded, and everyone praised. The throng in enmity that encircled us who I thought were mere strangers had outright become my audience. Only after we had stopped our dance I realised the floor was emptied because of us, the special stage for our little dance of love. I was in clash with myself, as I was feared to be judged and looked at but I never knew I would enjoy to perform. A delight I never felt and a gesture I never thought would do; to impress a crowd. My heart was lifted to the air and the excitement was overwhelming, that I didn't know how to express it so I stayed close to my partner and I tried to hide from everyone else except her. And for her only. But either way I never felt like I missed home.

Soon after they calmed, another song was playing, a slower melody to our first dance because we continued. A quartet started their own performance as the earlier band exited. Others had joined as petals too, while we took the centre duet of red and blue. But this dance however, was not intimate yet calming that we didn't have to use the whole floor for us to romance. And the hall started to be filled with people's chatter again as applauds started to dim.

My right hand was still held with her left, while my left hand I placed back on her shoulder without her to instruct – I felt my hand belonged there. It was still her lead and I followed her footsteps again. We continued our flirtation.

'What do you think, Umi?' she asked. 'Wasn't that exciting?'

'It was amazing,' I replied without a hint of my fear ever crawled. 'It's my first time dancing in a party and it's the first time I danced in front of that many people… in front of any people.'

'Well, I can tell you that you did very well. You're a natural dancer. Are you sure you had never done this before?'

'My mother taught me traditional dances. And I'm used to following footsteps from observing her.'

'Your mother is a great teacher then, and you're a great learner.' She made a stop, a half-spin clockwise, and then a full-spin anti-clockwise. Then we continued again. 'I can tell you now that was the most exciting dance I have ever done in my life. Thanks for being my partner, Umi.'

'Um… Th-thank you for teaching me too. You're a great dancer and a teacher yourself.'

'Now tell me, what brings a beautiful girl like you to this party? I mean, all I could see here are adults. And I haven't seen the daughter of this house in this party – they said she's very talented with musical instruments. Except if, of course, that girl is you.'

'If it isn't Kotori, I can assure you I'm not her. But I did get invited here along with two of my friends, which I don't know where they are now.'

'I see,' she said before she made a twirl out of me by releasing one hand and returned me to her arms. 'Then I'm glad that I came. Besides, I think you're better off with me and not wonder around the place so much. You looked tensed before we danced.'

'I'm sorry if I hurt you in any way, I didn't mean to crash into you. I'm so ashamed of myself.'

'After today I bet you wouldn't be sorry for that little clumsiness. Say, Umi, what do you think of this party?'

'This party?' I asked. We made a gap between us and extended our arms before we circled a common centre and returned again. While we had that moment of distance I took a regard of the environs. 'It's full of people I don't know.'

'And does that bother you?' she asked.

'It… It kind of does. I noticed people are wearing masks when I saw them cheering, even my friend brought a mask of red. You're wearing one yourself. It scares me a little because they're more of a stranger than they already are. If I can't even see their faces, I don't know where to start to play my trust.'

'Is that so? Then how about me? Do you trust the person who has your hand?'

'I-I do! I… Somehow I really do. It's just that strangers alone, made me unsure of how their personalities are. And if you add a mask, it's as if they don't want to be discovered, as if they're hiding something.'

'That's a good point. Strangers do have secrets but we're the ones afraid of them. However, sometimes you just have to trust them, don't you? I bet before you met your friends, they're just another stranger to you. You sell your secrets, personalities, hobbies, and in return they buy your trust. In a party like this, maybe wearing a mask is not so bad, so you can show your true self and maybe fall in love. Do you know what my favourite line is, Umi?'

'What is it?'

'" _Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth_."' She made another freeze in the middle of our dance. While the others danced in an anti-clockwise direction, we made a clockwise spin instead by constantly handing over our pivot foot. Then when we got to the chorus of the song and our dance, and we continued as we were before along with the others. 'Maybe there are things people hide that they won't even show with their own faces, because they're ashamed. Either by what they've done or what they are. Either what's hidden or what's on display. So they put on these masks, and they will do whatever. But at the end of the day they're all the same. A mask is just an excuse to do whatever they liked because they have to keep up an image if they don't. Do you think that's true, Umi? So it's either a truth behind a lie, or a lie behind a truth. Now which of those would you prefer, Umi?'

'Then I prefer the mask,' I answered.

'So do I. Tell me, if you're wearing a mask right now, what'll be the first thing that you do?'

'Well, now that you mentioned it, I don't know yet.'

'Alright,' she said before she stopped our dance in the middle of the song. She also let go of my hands. 'Let's see what you'll do with a mask. Now close your eyes.' She told me as she was about to take her own, so I did what she told me to. 'Count to five then open your eyes. Because after five, you can do whatever you want, Umi. You can live your life as you wish. No one will judge you for it. This mask is yours to wear.'

I started.

 _1_

I counted. _What would I do?_

 _2_

I counted. The girl gave the mask and fixed it on me as she strapped it around my head.

 _3_

I counted. My wish that I could think of within that two seconds was to see how she looked like. But I felt I couldn't wait any longer so I opened my eyes.

 _4_

I counted. Nobody was in front of me, and the smell of rose blossoms from the girl started to wear thin. From the gaping of people dancing and moving around me, I saw a tail of the red dress that belonged to the girl and was already about five metres away. And she was moving further into the crowd.

 _5_

I dove into the sea of strangers and made my way to pursue her – I even had to break one of the couples that were dancing around us.

...

I ran.

...

I followed the bright red dress among the colourless, as it seemed to me that she was the only person who'd worn it and caught my attention. As fast as I could I tailed and pushed my way through the throng. She evasively managed to keep her distance though I had already jostled my way. Although there were fewer people on the one side, I wouldn't risk taking a shortcut because I was afraid I would miss her. At the end I only used the olfactory senses to follow her flowery scent like a ribbon – the perfume I wanted to forever preserve in a flacon. Somehow, I wanted her. To keep her for my own. Never in my life I ever met a person whom would reach out to me so familiarly, someone whom would just take my hand and dance with me, and would dare leave me and stole my heart. The princess I had been looking for. The fairy's tail I would follow.

Our fox and rabbit chase got us to the end of the hall, where we turned to another long hallway. It was definitely her, as I saw her lifting her dress as she ran. I followed her until she made a turn to her left. I was only two seconds behind because after two seconds I made the same turn. We found ourselves in another hall, smaller, just like the first wing I entered. Just like before, there were fewer people and it was quiet in this south wing. At the end of the room however, there was a curved bifurcated, grand staircase where I saw her climbing half of the way.

So up the stairs I followed, and then the second door to our left, where the door was opened and I entered. There was an arch at the end of the short corridor, where we ended up outdoors at a stoned balcony with a fountain at the centre – flowery décor encircled it with cascading stone plates. The lighting was warm for that night. And there, she stood with her back facing me. She played with the attar waters before her and picked up a floating pink rose which seemed that it fell earlier that night in which then she admired – she had one of those as her centre piece.

'You're not supposed to open your eyes, Umi.'

'I didn't make such promises,' I replied.

She giggled as she fixed the rose on her head, where the black feathers were – another trophy of her kill, a jackdaw or a raven most likely. Then she strolled half-way around the fountain and ran her finger on the edge without disturbing the other flowers. I came closer as I didn't want to be that far behind anymore, reaching to where she had stood before moving.

Just from our meeting alone I learned the nature of a fox. From a kit to a vixen she will play and she will run. Energetic beyond any other mammal and she does not get bored with her playmates. She plays both roles in hide-and-seek; a moment she hides and another she chases you. She will dig into burrows just to find me. Give her a toy and she will adore and play with it and take it for her own. But foremost, she is smart and she is an escape artist and _she will run_.

The girl was such vixen. The girl covered the top of her face with her hand, before leaving a smile and began to run again. There was another set of stairs at the end of the stone railings, where she went down. I followed to the edge, to see where she was going. And there, from above, I saw a small maze garden at the open courtyard and I saw her entered. From the few entrances I picked the one she took. There, between the high walls of fern and few grown flowers with not only roses but also daisies, I saw her waiting at the corner before the first turn. She had both of her hands spread across her face in an elegant way, with one of her eyes was uncovered from the gaps of her fingers. As soon as she saw me she made a spin like we did but was alone and dashed around the corner. I followed her for a few turns, but with each turn I saw shorter glimpses of her tail until she completely disappeared. I found myself facing a path with three possibilities that I had no idea where she took my heart. But I had to decide. Each second I waste the more she would have gotten. Decide. Now! I chose the one on the left, I didn't know why, but I had to take the chance.

I had taken more turns than I was aware of, but I knew I chose the wrong turns because I kept going, and I ended up with more turns that I didn't know where to go, and some were dead-ends. I was lost. Wrong turn, I went back. And followed again finding more turns! What is this? Where am I!? Suddenly I felt the fear again, starting from my feet because I began to slowdown. Weak. Then I felt it on my knees and up my legs, as I started to feel I was about to collapse. Then up my body, as I felt like I couldn't breathe. Then up my head as I began to stress and worry. Shuddering in the dark I realised I was at a stale-mate as I couldn't depend on my sight blocked by the tall fern, nor my sense of smell as her bouquet was mixed with the rest of the flowers in the garden. I can't go on.

I want to get home.

"Don't be afraid, Umi," she suddenly whispered. "You're not alone here. I'm still here with you. Just follow the voice and you'll find me."

I turned to face and I followed the voice. She kept calling my name and with each lifted the chilly fear and made me warm as much as calm, just like when we danced. My feet quickened their steps, as if they missed hers. Closer and closer I had become until another turn that made me hear her voice just over the wall. I quickly looked for a gap to get over; and if I couldn't I wouldn't mind climbing. But when I found it I ran, quicker than I had, and arrived at the centre of a large opening, supposedly the end-point of the maze. But I got there first.

Here, there was another fountain at the centre of the square. It was larger and lower that had a wide foundation for it seemed for a pond that one could climb or even sit on the doughnut. There was no water but there were some pink rose petals by the edges and the dried fountain, the same colour as the one I saw on her head and another on her chest. Then unexpectedly, out of the tall wall of green she came from one of the exits of the maze, not from where I came from because I saw her across the fountain. Again, she covered her face with her gloved hand. This time, however, she only used one because the other held long stems of pink roses.

'So there you are,' she said with a stroll. 'Took you long enough, Umi.'

'Thanks to you. I was afraid I would get lost, but you called and here I am.'

'What are you talking about?' she asked without her hand on her face any longer as she was smelling the roses she held, but I still couldn't see the face. The two bloomed and flourished with such a sublime beauty.

'You led me here,' I said as I walked around the fountain and so did she across in the same clockwise direction. The twirl of our dance with a common centre. 'If it wasn't for you I think I would cry in the maze. Anyway, how did you know how to get here? It's dark and its confusing isn't it?'

'There are actually clues around the maze you could follow from whichever entrance you choose. One of them are the roses like this one.' She left one stem on the edge as we kept our rotation. 'Now how _you_ got here is a little peculiar. But was it true, that you were afraid? Is it because of the dark?'

'I kind of was, but not because of the dark. I don't like being left alone.'

'Well don't worry,' she said as she sat down on the edge of the fountain and crossed her slender legs exposed by the high cut of her dress. 'You're not alone, I'm here with you.'

'I know,' I said as I got to her rose she left and I picked up. I sat where the rose sat earlier.

From where we were, the night was quiet and peaceful as we didn't hear the noise from inside the mansion. There was still space between us, less than half of the fountain.

'Thank you for dancing with me, Umi. It's a perfect day to end the week too. I'm glad that I came. Forever I'm going to remember this night, the night I met Umi.'

'I thought so too,' I replied.

'Right now, you and I are alone for at least fifty metres in every direction. So, none would bear witness to anything you do or say. It's nice isn't it? A true mask indeed… So, Umi, do you have something you want to do or say?'

'I… I want to know you. I want to know your name. I want to know how you look like.'

'There's nothing I want more than that.'

'So why don't you?'

'Because if I did give you what you wanted, then what? Fall in love?'

'Maybe,' I replied. I started to peel on the rose as she did leaving the petals on the edge. 'Maybe I want to keep you around. For once I don't want to leave it up to fate. I don't want to leave it up to destiny to know when I'm going to see you. You may be my first shot at…' I turned my head and found the girl was gone, no longer at the edge. I saw the petals on one side where she was sitting and the rest of the roses on the other. I stood facing the fountain to see a few of the petals flown by the tailing wind.

I just didn't realise that she snuck behind me, when suddenly, before I could move to look for her, there were a pair of gloved hands that held onto my shoulders. 'You're playing a risky game if you finished that sentence, you know,' she said.

'I know… so who are you?'

'I'm your first love, Umi,' she said as she slowly moved her hands around me and hugged me from behind. A hug that was so familiar like Honoka's, so gentle like Kotori's, so caring like my sister's, and so loving like my mother's. She asked into my ear, 'say, does that mean you still haven't had your first kiss?'

'No.' I held onto her arm while I still held the rose on the other hand.

The girl removed her arms from me, and then moved the mask on my face upward. The bottom frame of the mask covered my eyes until I could barely see the fountain or anything in front of me. But she still had her hands on my head from under the jaw, and she walked around to stand in front of me. From the breach of the bottom of the mask I saw her red dress and her arms, but not her face.

'I love you too, Umi,' she said while lifting.

I danced with this girl long enough to know where her face was, and I knew I was facing hers even though I couldn't see. My hands tightened on my chest and the rose while I felt she kept coming closer. Her thumb, she pressed it on my bottom lip and made me create an opening. I was ready. Then she slowly removed her hands from my face to my shoulders, then down again to my arms while at the same time I started to feel her breath against my face.

The princess in the red dress was going to steal my first kiss. From the click it was already hers to take. I felt her so close to me that even from my blocked vision, I could see her faintly shaded red lips so close to mine. We were just a few inches left until my first kiss, so I closed my eyes and took a long deep breath. I had longed to start my fairy-tale life.

I was hers to take.

I counted to five but the kiss never came. I reached out where I last remembered where her lips were, to see if I could complete it. But the kiss never came. The kiss never came. The kiss…

I opened my eyes and fixed the mask to take off. I only found the fountain at my embrace but not my princess. I turned around on the spot and there was no girl to be found even though I had prepared myself if she were going to sneak up on me again. But she didn't. Her carriage had left the palace. My heart plummeted as I saw her last two pink roses that she had with her on the stony edge. It was like the petals and my pealed heart were set sailing in flames into the night. I approached the fountain and dropped on my knees as I scraped them on the gravel ring. I fell into great despair but I could not shed a tear. My heart hurt, so bad. My lungs attacked by asthma I never had. It was as if I had a preview of my dream but I never got to finish it. Never came…

I was too pivoted on the kiss I didn't realise she let go of me and ran while there were voices I started to notice.

Because from the back of my head I heard voices calling to me. It was not the voices who had asked me to dance, it was not the voices of someone who had told me to count to five, it was not the voices of someone who said her love for me. It was not the voices of my fairy godmother to lead me to her either. But they were Honoka's and Kotori's calling from about the balcony, the same balcony where I stood earlier that night before I chase after the princess into the maze, where I actually lost her. I had definitely lost her…

I stood and turned around to find Honoka and Kotori calling from the stony fence and were waving. I, however, shouted from the bottom of my heart and with the breath I had left that actually made me mute for the rest of my days, 'don't leave me.'

...

That night I wrote in my diary, about the girl in the red dress. A page alone I dedicated for our foxtrot, and another I dedicated for her dress. I drew the maze and the castle I went to catch her, and I kept her mask close to my bed – there seemed to be Cyrillic writing on the insides but then I did not know how to read it, whose name it belonged to, or if my friends knew about it at all. Then with the short glimpse of my future I replayed it as I laid on my bed, imagining how I would open our door to our apartment to let her in, I would be preparing her dinner as she took a bath, I would scold her if she didn't finish her food, I would listen to her day and I would read her my work, maybe if we had guests we would entertain them, maybe if she bought something for me I would smile and hug her, maybe if _I_ had bought something for her she would smile and hug me, then I would entertain her if she were feeling stressed or tired, I would let her sleep on my arm and woke up on her arm as my pillow, and I would prepare her breakfast, maybe I would walk with her to her work so she would feel special, a kiss too if she needed one, and I would go home and wait for her again, then we would grow older until we had to move into a house, maybe a family too. But with that short glimpse I still couldn't picture a face. I stopped my diary about the girl right there as my hand begun to tremble.

That silent night my scream echoed in my head, though it didn't in the maze, and I cried myself to sleep since. I called out the girl in the red dress…


	5. Chapter 3: My Dame

...

 **My Dame**

Chapter 3

...

* * *

Dear diary, today I met my senior…

* * *

 **I** skimmed through the second and I had not found the slightest lead on where the two had been. Other than the bathroom that I looked thoroughly and the neighbouring classes I had concluded that they were elsewhere. We were not supposed to wander so much until the end the day but based on my experience with Honoka and Kotori, they would be tempted to challenge anything they shouldn't. I had gone out of my ways to break that rule too, as I would be in a worse place if I stayed back in class filled with strangers of no affiliation without the slightest idea on what they would do. As enclosed as I was to the rest of the world, I would rather be talked about than talked to.

So, I sprinted across the hall and scuttled the stairs half-way and again the other half, until I suddenly rammed into someone that made me scatter my papers for the first-year survey and dropped my book. I stumbled and she too before we picked ourselves up, where it had slipped my mind that I had ripped some papers on my climb up until later. Until I got my stance back I looked up as I apologised and suddenly lost it when I finally placed my sight for sore eyes, at someone I never thought possible to be the personification of exquisite itself.

Click

She was at a tier of beauty I never had recognised. A luminous delicate of grace.

She had a fitting blazer and wavy skirt that underlined her posture, a long and fair hair of crown jewel that highlighted her richness in people's compliments, and a celestial face of an angel that stroke my heart in a beat. She also had a tie that was different to mine – a senior, right above me as indicated by the red shade. Her cheeks however, were as honest as her tie as if she had painted the town red.

For the first time since forever I was together again.

The incandescent girl stared at me as I was at her for I admired her beauty, but I never thought I would have a similar impact to others. I rarely looked at myself in the mirror, but after that incident I often visited mine in the bathroom and each visit became more frequent because the girl before me saw something in me that I had not paid attention to, that also skipped Honoka and Kotori, and my sister and my mother. I realised I hadn't finished my apology for too long that I kept my mouth shut instead. For some reason, an unexplained phenomenon I was not repulsed by this person. Was it Jean de La Fontaine who said something about a girl whom would find her destiny on the path?

'Um,' she began, 'I'm sorry.'

'N-no.' I stammered on my start. 'No, it's okay! I'm actually the one supposed to be sorry, senpai!'

We hit another pause after we had that modicum of introduction, though we hadn't known each other just yet and we hadn't heard of each other's names. In my history of introducing myself to others, I never had such audacity and confidence as if I were talking to someone I longed to see, my sister for instance – as I had not heard from her for months and it would be delightful and satisfying to see her again for I could cry on her about the girl that I lost. But in front of this person, I was already delighted and satisfied to my rotund heart's content. By the same curious circumstances, I somehow remembered the senior I never met… maybe I saw my sister in her that made me quiet. Her height and her length of hair suggested that my sister was in fact my senior, but their eyes were different. The eyes…

'It's nice to see you.'

'It's… it's nice to meet you too, senpai. Um…I'm sorry I crashed into you.'

She blinked and looked down at the papers and my book that were spread across the floor, which she suddenly noticed that one was under her feet. 'Oh. That's alright. Here, let me help you.'

We both went down scraping for the papers, where I got most of them while my senior got the rest including my book. She looked at the cover for a second before we both stood up and handed me the book. On her hands were still the papers, but only on hers were the torn ones.

'Thank you, senpai! I'm really sorry for the trouble.' I paused to look at her when she still had her stare at me. Something in me just screamed, to tell her, to tell what I would avoid to a stranger. 'By the way, my name is Sonoda Umi. I'm… I'm a first-year student.' I bowed. Suddenly I realised I was not repulsed on talking to the senior, although we had just met, and I was not scared by her. I was not for the first time scared by a stranger. It was either I had overcome my fear or a less likely chance that I was talking to someone I knew.

'It's nice to meet you, Umi.' She gave me a divine smile. 'Don't be sorry, it's partially my fault too. I was tying my hair but the band snapped when I bumped into you.' Flamboyantly she brushed her long hair with one hand to grab a small portion of the gold mix to let it land to her front. 'It looks like your survey is torn. We have another copy in the council room, we can go and get one now.'

'Ah. That would be great, thank you, senpai. I'm sorry for the trouble.'

'It's my pleasure. By the way, I haven't introduced myself, haven't I?'

...

When both of us had fixed ourselves and had untwined hair, and after she hand introduced herself to me, we walked. She said as she put it, 'stay close and don't worry' since there would be seniors walking around and it would problematic if I were approached by other seniors if I were alone. With such unsophisticated reason, I did not have a problem with staying by her and would not definitely walk with someone else. So, I walked close behind her as I held my book so tightly. From where I was, where it was downwind I could smell the sweet, so inviting fragrance. The ribbon like one I could faintly muse on. Something whole and unspoilt about this that I tried my best to untangle the strands. There was a mix of the long-lasting concocted scents of papaya shampoo from her hair, a milky and creamy honey soap from her skin, a fresh moisturising lotion of nourishing aloe vera, lenient detergent and softener from her first-day-of-school uniform, dabs or spray of ambrosial perfume she probably applied near her collars and her ribs that was distinguishably good – perfume of almond, coconut, jojoba oil, rosemary sprig, flowers of camellia, chamomile, rosemary, a crumb of vanilla, and a base note of the chord of rose and lavender. A knot of a bouquet so intoxicating like a vintage wine – it was splendid filled with airy floral sensation and rich depth that wasn't too viscous yet still effervesce for my greedy nose. There, right behind her, was like a buffet. But from what I drank off her there didn't seem to be any powder or any other aromatic cosmetic. The girl was natural and naturally beautiful to my senses of smell.

'What are you doing?' she asked and turned around, which gave me another show of her silk dance with pearls of blue as her final spectacle. With her euphonious melody too, I was a believer of the existence of heaven above us. Naturally beautiful to my sense of hearing and of sight. 'I can't see you or talk to you properly if you are tailing me. Walk next to me. Choose a wing.' Absolutely an angel.

So, I chose one, on her right was comfortable as I was sure her left would had been the same. When we talked I looked directly at her eyes, something I never had done whenever I talk to people as I felt awkward especially if they were near. But the way she did with her whole head turned to me, even when she was listening, showed her focus was at the receiving end, me, and she would listen and respect anything that comes out of my mouth by giving me nods and hums. I tried to copy her but that only lasted three syllables before I shied away because to focus on one another was too much I could handle especially if one looked like her; my book, of distance, of space, of casual, had always been my hiding wall. A rude gesture of you, Umi!

I told her which class I was in, and she clarified where my room was as I didn't even remember it. Then she told me hers, I didn't know why, as I was confused on which of which, but I listened anyway. She told me about the school, where things were so I wouldn't get lost the next time I got lost. She told me to come to her if I ever needed anything else, and for a second I planned on getting myself lost once in a while. She was very kind.

As we continued, seniors started to appear and became packed as I couldn't even move, with two to three in the hallway at a time. When they ambled closer, I concealed myself and considered to hide behind my senior's back, but she had stated she couldn't talk to me that way, so I kept walking alongside but barely a gap between us. I only distanced myself when they had passed. A few times I had until I dared myself to look, to only find them whispering and looking at me. I became paranoid to everyone except my senior whom I accidentally lightly rammed into for the second time.

'Umi,' the angel called as she stopped in front of me. 'Are you alright?'

'I am,' I said as I put my head down, 'I'm sorry, senpai.'

She looked back at the girls whom we just passed and then back at me. 'Don't worry about them. Hey, can you wait here for me? There's something I have to take care of and I won't be far. It'll just be a minute.'

'Of course, senpai. Um…' I shyly replied after she smiled. 'T-take your time.' I felt my head until my ears were hot.

By the windows I leaned on I waited, ones that overlooked at the rest of the school grounds that I was yet aware of, while she walked a few paces to meet another two seniors near the lockers – on her hand was the folded papers I had earlier that she took from me including the untorn ones as I would not need them anymore. They were wearing another shade that was different to the two of ours, they were green ties, her seniors. The three of them were far that I could only hear light whispers, but I could still see them. I peeped, and the way she talked to her seniors was so familiarly, not like I was to a senior or anyone to their seniors. I knew and respected the seniority in the dojo and in school but how she behaved it was as if she were not talking to mere classmates but as to friends, and I had never seen such thing.

While I still had my thoughts about my senior with my own, suddenly the two seniors turned their heads and looked at me while they whispered. I felt I was attacked so I looked down and clenched on my book. I dove into my burrow. They smiled and giggled from the way they moved and acted, I began to feel embarrassed that I could just run away or maybe I would rather jump out the window for shorter escape – I would figure out how to place my bones back as I go.

Then she turned her head. She looked at me. And she smiled… I took back what I said, I never wanted to run and I never wanted to jump – I would climb up if I had to – so I wouldn't miss that short delight.

The three continued their talk a short minute further before they parted ways. I was surprised at the end as the two green-necked seniors waved at me before they left me privately with my senior alone in the hallway. It was rude of me to not reply it but how could I since I never seen an upperclassman of mine would do that to me? They walked to the end and turned until they disappeared while my senior approached me and leaned on by the windows as I was still.

'Sorry for the wait. Are you alright?'

'I'm fine, senpai,' I replied. 'And that's alright, I don't mind waiting.'

She looked at me still until I locked her at the eyes before she started again. 'They're your seniors. The one with the ribbon is the president of the art club, and the one with long black hair, a little shorter to yours, is in the music club.' From the back of her head, she grabbed a lock to bring to her front again so she could play with the ends of her hair. 'So if you filled those clubs in your survey, and eventually apply, you'll be seeing more of them.'

'They seemed nice.'

'They really are. I've been working hard to keep it that way too. I don't want to be a product of my environment, I want my environment to be the product of me.' She released her hair before she swung and pushed herself off the wall. 'We should get you the papers you need. Are you ready to go?'

'Y-yes!' I pushed myself too. 'After you, senpai.'

...

My senior led the way again after she told me to walk beside her again. We walked pass a few more red- and green-tied students but I was more confident to walk with my senior as she convinced me they would not bite, though she only guaranteed that as long as I stayed close. But I felt accommodated and wholesome as long as I had my senior there with me. My steps weren't scuttling anymore and in fact were in the same pace as hers, I had no worry to walk around with strangers judging as long as I stayed close.

She led me up the stairs again, to another level I was not familiar with, that I was not aware on which floor we were anymore. We passed a few doors and the lockers in between but she had begun to decrease our space that her hand could easily grab my other shoulder if she wanted to, or if she were a romantic she could just pull me closer by the waist if she desired, but I did not move away as I kept walking along her strides with only a small part of me hoping she wouldn't do what I thought. I began to sweat as my heart pounded hard on my book until she slowed down and eventually stopped. I stopped too of course, because she was facing me and was so close that I could reach for her hair from her back effortlessly to play with.

'We're here,' she said.

'Oh!' I turned around to find myself standing in front of the door of the student council room.

'Go ahead, open it,' she said to me while she leaned on the wall next to the door. 'No one's inside and I'll let you enter before me. I mean, when will you get another chance like this, Umi?'

'A-are you sure, senpai?'

She nodded.

In tense I turned on the knob and pushed it open. I took a step as I scanned around the room. It was a typical council room, with cabinets around, a large board, a large start-chart too, and tables arranged at the centre. But unlike a council room I had seen or ever heard of, it was quite messy. Clean to the last dust, but messy to the last sheet of paper – piles of paper looked like they were about to fall as they weren't properly stacked and of those piles had neighbouring piles with similar condition, folders were at the corner of the room and at the back that weren't even closed for some of them, rolled up posters or banners were collected together but two had fallen to the floor and stayed there for it looked like a week, markers without their lids, and many more that was too itching to describe. It somewhat bugged me, even though it wasn't my room.

Without I realised I had taken a few steps inside to gander and the door was unreachable, somewhere perfect at the back if I were to give a presentation to the empty council seating. While I had my guard down, the door slammed shut. I was not proud as it took me more than two more seconds to realise my senior was not with me. So I dashed to the door. But before I could reach it I heard her knocking – it was a knock, a pause, and a 3-knock roll. As I was the only person in the room, I opened it to find my senior behind the door.

'Oh? What's this?' She acted surprised as she entered with a face of ownership of the room. 'A freshman in the council room without supervision?' She closed the door behind her as she sucked on her teeth.

'I'm sorry, senpai! I thought you went in with me.'

'I'm only playing with you, you know.' She giggled – a chuckle that made her so adorable. 'Take a seat, I'll find another set for you.'

As I was close to one, I pulled on a chair and sat down. The arrangement of the tables was U-shaped and I sat at one of the ends. Rather than looking at the rest of the mess of the room, I had my eyes fixed on my senior who walked around from one cabinet to the other, then from one to another pile of paper. She then grabbed a few when she went through a pile, but it was not mine as she put the stack at one of the tables. Then she went behind me too, as there was another stack where she found one. It didn't look like she misplaced her things, rather she was giving a show for me to watch.

She walked over to my side and just over my shoulder placing it in front of me on the table. Her hair swung to the front that she immediately tucked behind her ear, so close to me that I caught a whiff of her knot again; it had not faded nor thickened but I found it was purer. A greedy nose I had that would let myself drown in her scent. I saw the line of her jaw as she mumbled, the lips so curved and lightly glossed, her narrow nostrils twitched as well when they flared, her cheekbones a little shaded because of the light makeup. I hugged my book a little roughly more than I had that day. I looked at her so near to me as she had her vibrant eyes on the survey, I paid attention to her left ear and the aqua-blue plastic ear stud sticks: one in the lobe and two at the top helix. I wondered how her other side would impress me – I never found myself be so attracted by how one would accessorise their ear. I gazed for so long that she began to notice and turned her head to me. The sight of her ear began to fade as she looked, and now we're face to face, noticing I was staring at her corn-flower iris two seconds too late that in fright I turned away.

Before she moved away, she gave me a pen and a giggle. I put my book on the table next to the paper before I started as she pulled out a chair at the front of the room, one in the middle.

'Um, senpai,' I called, 'I can fill it back in my class since I have the survey.'

'Well, you could do that,' she replied as she pulled in her chair closer to her table, 'or you could fill it right now and pass it to me while we're here. Everything goes to that dock over there anyway.' She placed her arms on the table with one raised so she could rest her head on her hand.

'Is it okay for me to fill it here? It's going to take some time.'

'This room isn't going to be used until the end of the day, and I doubt anyone would come in before then.' She gave me a smile. 'Is that enough time for you?'

'Y-yes! It's more than enough. I'll fill it as quickly as I can.' How dishonest of me to say it.

'Take your time, I don't want you to rush through the survey. Besides, it's peaceful and quiet here.'

I nodded and I began to fill the survey again, and I took my time to read it this time. It was silent in the room and she was right, I felt just like in my own room whenever I study and in fact was better than our study room in the house. I turned to the front of the room, where my senior was sitting and found she had not moved or done anything except her joyous stare outside the windows. She shortly noticed me leer and moved her eyes to me giving a tilt of her head. She gave me another blissful smile which I replied with a throw of my face away in shame.

'Pardon me, senpai,' I broke the tranquillity. I even paused on filling my age. 'I know it's a little late for me to ask, but are you in the council?'

'Mmm-hmm.' She nodded too. 'In fact you're sitting at my usual place.'

'I-I'm sorry, senpai! Do you want to get your seat back?' I pulled back my chair and grabbed the paper in case she wanted to.

'That's fine you can keep my seat warm. Besides I'll be sitting here for the council meeting later today, so I might as well keep this seat warm.'

'Wait, if you're at the front and centre… are you…'

'Mmm-hmm.' She nodded again. 'I'm the leader of the council.'

'Really?!' I voiced with a thoughtless, overt speech, for I was masked just by her beauty that I had not respected her enough. I stood and bowed to her, 'I apologise for I have caused so much bother and to intrude so shamelessly, president, as I am such a fool.'

The warm laugh the dame made had me ruddy, an attractive character she had in her that for a moment I thought was not suited for her stature. 'You don't have to get formal with me, Umi. I'm just a second-year, and you've been calm this whole time. Don't let my prestige ruin what we have.' She let out a bit left of her laugh. 'You can sit, Umi. Besides, I'm not the president. You see, your school has a slightly different student body than the rest of the schools. Most of the time my position is under the president and her vice-president, but otherwise I would be above all. Like for this meeting later today I will be the one at the big boss' desk. And most of the year, I'd sit where you are'

'I see.' Taking the seat again I smiled back still in wonder. 'So if you don't mind, senpai, if your position is at the top, why is this your usual seat?'

'Because most meetings are conducted by the president, her vice-, and her secretary.' She walked out of her seat and around the other side and to the back where she grabbed a thick white binder – The Great White Folder as the school recognised it. She flipped few bulks of pages that made a sound with each one she released. 'So, the council members sit around them.' She walked over with it and then placed the massive binder across my table and the one adjacent while she stood on the other side of the table. She bent over while she showed me the two-page hierarchy diagram. She pointed and guided me along. 'This is your president this year, and here's the vice-president and the secretary. All these below her are her committees. And here's me!' She pointed across the page, where I looked at her instead. Her hair had fallen again, but as she guided she seemed to be clueless about it that covered a part of her face, and somewhere deep inside me told me to clear that and tuck it behind her ear so I could look at her studded ear again and probably hold the back of her neck while maybe her hair could slide between my fingers. But she did it herself anyway. '…and she sat right there. So, does that answer your question?' She finally looked at me.

'Um… it somewhat does. But I was asking why here, at the end?'

'Oh.' She straightened her back. 'Well, I just don't want to turn my head side to side much when conversations go back and forth and across.' She giggled and looked away. 'I'm sorry, I blabbered so much.'

Adorable indeed.

'No, its fine, senpai!' I grabbed the binder that was still opened. 'At least I don't have to ask my second question, right?'

She gave her chuckle again and let met flipped through the binder myself. She set her elbows on the table again and rested her head while she squatted as she explained a few things on that binder, including short profiles of the presidents of the clubs. I saw the slice on the president of the art club, one that my senior talked to earlier, though I was not allowed to read too much from it as it would be cheating, the head of council reasoned. Then I also got to the page about my senior's report of the council with her signature at the bottom – It was the first time I ever saw it, that it looked unique compared to the ordinary two next to hers.

After some time, that I thought I got through a lot of the holy book of the organisation, she asked if she could look at my survey that I overlooked to continue after the second page. She sat against the table next to mine, a little to the side that I could still see her face after she brushed her hair again. As she read, she played with the end of her hair again. She looked so focused on my writing though it was only a few as I haven't even touched the third page. Then she returned it to me, so I continued on filling it while she took the folder back and placed it at the end of the room at where she found it.

As I went through the third page and the fourth, my senior gave me a cup of water and refilled it quickly as soon as I finished one. She was very kind to me and I was grateful for it. Then we chatted a little, that I didn't realise I started to open up about myself to her until she pointed it out after hearing my blabbering.

She sat next to me at the end, as I was finishing my last page. I often felt paranoid when people were eyeballing but I never was when she did, I even looked at her in the eyes when I talked and I never felt repulsed, because they were mesmerising, feeling dept in her stare. I started to nod and hum too. But I was still aware of her position and her seniority that I kept my leer to the minimum. Just when I was about to finish, and actually about to hand it to her, she slipped her hand through and placed a card in front of me. It was a student ID, my student ID.

'That's a nice picture of you, Umi.'

'This…' Still stuck on my speech as I was still adjusting to the surprise. 'Is this mine?'

'From the photo and the name, it looks like it's yours, unless you have a beautiful twin or a doppelgänger,' she said with a tag clip and its holder in hand. 'Do you want to put it on yourself?'

'Yes, I'll do it.' I took it from her hand while she took the paper off of mine. 'How did you get it, senpai?'

'Your seniors I talked to in the hall were actually on their way to pass the other IDs around to your classmates. But I got it early for you and ticked your name on the list. So, what do you think?'

'I can't say much about it, actually,' I said while I held my ID close to me. 'But they actually tricked me into taking the photo because they said they would count but they didn't. Well, I was suspicious when I was told to look at the camera while they said it was still off. You know, I held-up the line when we took the photo, so maybe that's why…Wait, they actually cropped the sign I was holding? It had my student number but it's out of frame. Well, at least it's typed out under my name. This is definitely better than my middle-school ID. It's simpler but it looks better. Oh! I'm sorry, senpai, I actually forgot to say…' I finally stopped my rambling when I turned to my side and saw her untired eyes wide opened and were gazing at me. She put up a crippled smile too.

'You're welcome, Umi.' She laughed at me and my uncontrollable mouth. 'Put it on! I want to see it.'

So I turned my whole body to face her while I clipped my card on my blazer. And watched her watch me. She turned her body too, until we were face-to-face again until our knees were about to touch. She looked at me from head to toe before her hand suddenly reached out to me and cleared my hair away. Adding the benign gesture, she also straightened my ID and levelled my tie.

By then my heart already stopped and I was already flat-lined.

'There. Perfect.'

Her comment was a defibrillator.

'I wish I looked as great as you in my first year.'

I just wanted to jump out the window and fall so she could save my life again, but if I couldn't be saved I just wanted her to be the one who sent me to heaven.

'D-don't say that, senpai!' I troubled and interrupted her compliments. 'I'm sure you're just as great!'

'Well, aren't you just the kindest.' She reached her hand to me again and took my ID then clipped it to her own uniform. She tugged down her blazer as she straightened her back, pushed her chests out, and placed one hand on her lap while the other brushed her hair equally so the same amount would land to her front while the rest fell smoothly on her back, so I wouldn't have to do it for her. 'How about now? Am I still like what you said?'

My hearts burst.

I was speechless, and apparently my heart that was burnt to a crisp had grilled my face until it was very hot. I tried to grab my book, to hid behind my wall, but she reached for it first and anchored it on the table until I couldn't even haul. In panic and remarkable strength, I fell weakly instead under her stunning charm as I kept trying that I eventually hid my face with only my two hands; my own walls had betrayed me in favour of my senior. If she suddenly pulled on my hands, I would definitely faint because I my heart beat was incalculable, and my lungs wouldn't work above my boiling point. But she didn't. She let me calm down on my own and finally I could open my hands again. She told me to drink my water and I emptied it in one gulp as it steamed from the top of my head.

She opened up my survey and started writing about one to two comments on each page with a different coloured pen, while I held the paper cup on my lap. She told me about how the survey was when she was in her first year and was not at all interested in the students. She finally closed it and signed it at the front page. Apparently as she explained, that would be the only survey she would approve personally because it was not part of her job, as she had already delegated the task to other members to do but anyone in council could approve. She walked behind her throne to place my paper on an empty short tray, while some were coloured and/or stacked, with a large label above it: **EOD**.

I still had my pose to the side, when it suddenly occurred to me that my body had been facing my senior the whole time when I was blushing earlier, even when she examined my survey for about five minutes and including the other twenty adoring my unprepared, defenceless shame as we talked.

...

I had gathered myself and tucked under the table again while she leaned against the pigeonhole at the stern of the room. For a while we hadn't talked as she only smiled, but I wasn't reaching for my book anymore to reply her. In the student council room, for it was almost the whole day I had been there, I was enjoying my time with my senior. It was still a surprise to me to find my time with a senior so comforting as it was quiet and so privately. Maybe it was the experience of meeting someone new, but it would only mean that she was a stranger to begin with and I would never be familiar with just a mere stranger, so no. Maybe it was the peace and quiet, but I found peace and quiet in my room and I never liked it as much as I was here, so no. Maybe it was the… no. Or maybe… no. Maybe it was just her… yes, it was because of her.

'You know that you can go back to your class room, right?' she finally asked.

'Oh… I guess.'

'Thanks for filling out the survey, Umi.' She waked to the door and closed it after she stepped out.

I was glued five seconds too long to my seat and my hands on my table. I realised I was the only person left in the room, and I felt lonely, as empty as the room, and as a mess. For many years I felt scared when strangers talked to me or approached me, but I never thought it fearful sevenfold to be alone. All phobias known to man came rushing on me suffocating the lifeless mannequin. That was why I built myself a wall of books, so fears of reality couldn't get to me, or at least they were the fears and realities of someone else's, fiction, could haunt them while I only read what would happen next or cheat to skip to the end. But I didn't a have book about me, and I didn't have anyone else read my book. I was burning with curiosity to read how my senior would be involved in my life, if I had not taken an action.

Under my heart I didn't want it to end.

In haste I pulled back my chair and in violence I pushed my desk and hurried to the door so I could catch my senior. On my way I had wished I thought a little faster or might as well had thought of nothing so I could leave at the same time as her and had not imagined my life would be without her. I exploded the door open and ready to run to either side, as I was already trained to tail a vixen, but I took only one step outside to find her leaning against the window across the door in the still-empty hallway. She was in front of me just a few steps away.

'That took you long enough.' She sullenly frowned but lasted only for a second until she enlivened. 'Three things I want to tell you. One: you shouldn't run in the hallway, or on the stairs, or in class rooms, or in my council room. Someone could get hurt. You're lucky that I'm willing to forgive you this one time.' She pushed herself off the wall and met me in the middle. 'Are you ready to go? Oh, where's your book, Umi?'

I was glad she hadn't left.

'Oh!' I turned around and saw the mess I accumulated in the room, of the table with my book on the floor. 'W-wait for me, senpai!' I rushed back to rearrange the table and fixed the chair quickly, and grabbed my book before I ran out again, so that I wouldn't miss my senior again.

'What did I say just now, about running?' she rhetorically asked while she reached her hand behind me to close the door. 'You don't have to rush; I'm not going anywhere until I graduate.'

'I'm… I'm sorry, senpai.' I was heaving.

'See, you're exhausted. But I can let it slide, just don't repeat it okay?'

'I…' I smiled, 'I won't.'

'Good,' she replied. 'And number two: have your ID on you,' she said as she grabbed the one on her blazer to pull on my uniform and clipped the ID on me, 'for the first two weeks. Don't lose it or you'll be questioned by your seniors or your teachers. That won't happen if you stay close to me, but when you're not, have it with you. It is de rigueur for first-year students.' Once again with her beau geste, she fixed my tie. Then she swept my hair carefully. Then she brushed my shoulders to finish. 'Or else I have to be the one to discipline you, okay?'

It was definitely because of her.

...

Just like our promenade duet that day she led, my feet just followed hers but this time I walked closer to her and I could negligently without anything to hide with my book – even if she were to pull me closer from my waist – so I carried it low. That way my ID was easily spotted as my senior fixed it a couple of times because I kept tilting it. I was no longer timid when we passed a few students as long as my senior was there and I kept my promise to stay close, and I wouldn't mind if they talked about me because not a comment would come close to what I had to share with my senior. I promised her I wouldn't run either, except if I had to run after her. I promised her I would wear the ID too, though I was sure I wouldn't need it since she already knew me so much and I rather not introduce myself to anyone else. And I also promised her one more thing.

'Um, senpai,' I called, 'I'm sorry for getting out of topic, it's not that I'm not interested in the school library, because I'm sure I will check it out, but isn't there a third thing you want to tell me?'

We took a few steps before she stopped in the middle of the hallway.

'Listen, Umi,' she finally spoke with her hands tied together like her tie in front of her. 'Here's the last thing I wanted to tell you: I had a great time today and I enjoyed every second of it. It's all thanks to you. Thank you, Umi.' She struck her hair to show her ear again. 'Student council has pretty much been my daily life, and it's killing me softly. But I'm truly grateful that I got to escape it even if it's for a day, I just didn't know it would be today, you know. I know I speak for the both of us, that this little encounter is the highlight of this week, even though it's only Monday. But it is the highlight of my time in the council.'

We stood in front of each other and my grip loosened and not at all troubled. "Was that a confession?" I asked myself privately, as I never had one spoken to me before.

'Now, for me,' she continued, 'from tomorrow onward wouldn't be as great as today yet still be infinitely greater than two days ago. But at the same time, I don't want this day to end. It'd be lovely if I could spend some more time with you. You see, some of my friends and the council members advised me to take some time off, relax, and meet someone. And maybe today I'm going to ultimately take their advice.'

'W-what are you saying?'

'Umi, I want to take you out for lunch sometime.'

Her words were an eye-opener and I couldn't do anything.

'I'm not usually this confident either,' she looked away in shame, as honest as her tie at the beginning of that day, 'to actually ask out someone. But can you honestly say that you want to end things here?' Her eyes were at me again.

My heart clashed with another, that I felt like I had two, one for each person. 'I don't know, senpai. I… I really don't.'

'Well, _I_ can't,' she said before we went quiet. After some silence in the corridor, she dug into her pocket to pull out a piece of folded paper and held it together. 'How about this,' she continued, 'I'll come to this café.' She handed the note which I opened to find an address. 'It's the one with white and orange banner at the front, and I want you to come this Sunday, say about ten in the morning. So that's on the 10th at 10.'

'Senpai, I don't know –'

'Wait, wait, wait,' she interrupted, 'before you say anything, I want to tell you this: it's up to you if you want to come or not, but I will be there. Now the trick is that you can't tell me whether you're going or not. You can't tell me now and you can't tell me in the next few days – that gives you 5 days to think about it. Even if you have made up your mind, you can't say a word to me. Sure, you can still talk to me whenever you find me, but you're not allowed to talk about it to me.'

'But that isn't fair, isn't it?'

'To me that's pretty fair, because I want you to know that I don't want you to regret your decision. It's either you come or don't. If you don't, I'm not going to bother you anymore and you can live your life as it is, and I'll simply be your regular senior – today will be just another day. But if you do, I don't want take-backs and I want your dedication, because I want to be a part of your life and you are of mine – today will be a special day and we will continue what we built so far. So be concrete on your decision even at the last minute. I want to continue this…' She bent down and picked up my book that was on the floor just a few inches away from my feet. With it she climbed and brushed her hair again before she looked at the cover of the book as just before when she first saw it. Then her eyes gazed at me yet I still couldn't reply even for her smile. 'Well how about that, Umi? On your first day of school you met someone new, went on a private tour, talked with the leader of the council, spent the time in the council room, got your ID delivered exclusively, and asked out on a date. It's a " _dear diary"_ moment, is it not?' She handed me the book back. 'If you wouldn't I'm sure I would.'

She opened my hand and placed the book without getting my ability to speak back just yet. With one hand on the book and the other with the note I stood so immobilised. I knew too that soon after I would lose my sight as I had been staring too long into my lightness of being. But I never got disappointed of her profound radiance. Even though I was losing my sight, and I was still dumb, I might as well be blind because of the greed of my eyes and she kept looking at me and smiled, she even had a chance to play with her hair without any of us talking.

To an extent we stood together, her eyes suddenly moved to somewhere far behind me for her head and her twinkle was still pointed at me. There was a call, and I was sure I was not deaf. It got clearer with every beat of my heart because it was slow and had been for a while. Voices sounded so familiar and echoing through the hallway like a commotion. Sounded like trouble.

It was Honoka's and Kotori's voices. My two friends who were missing and had accidentally forgotten as I had the time of my life with the person before me. As their echoes calling my name became clearer I turned around, to find them walking towards me skipping their steps. They had their own tags on their blazer and I thought that they had theirs from the teacher in our class.

'Umi-chan! Where have you been? We were looking for you.' Honoka spun around me and back.

'Yeah, Umi-chan,' Kotori added, 'we went out for a second and you were missing the whole day!'

'But I was looking for you two,' I said.

'Really? The first thing we saw was your name ticked on the sign-up sheet, but you weren't in class. By the way, check this out! It looks so cool!' Honoka pointed at her tag on her chest, slightly slanted and not properly clipped on.

'Honoka-chan went out to check her locker and I went out because she called me. When we came back you were already missing.' Kotori too had her ID on her, slightly better than Honoka, but her tie was slanted. 'So we were confused how you got your name ticked before us. We went out looking for you after the bell rang.'

'Oh, Kotori-chan, look at Umi-chan's ID! You look so cute, Umi-chan.'

'Yeah, you look pretty, Umi-chan.'

'N-no! I am not!' I began to remember how my senior wore my ID. 'I really am not.'

'So, Umi-chan, where were you?'

'Ah, that's right. I was with…' I said as I turned around to introduce my senior but she wasn't there anymore. I had to check twice by looking at the other side of the hallway and back to where we were if she was indeed gone. '… my senior,' I whispered to myself.

'What's wrong, Umi-chan?' Honoka reassured.

'Have you passed your survey to the teacher?' Kotori bent over to look at my hand closer. 'Oh, what's that piece of paper? A note?'

'It-it's nothing!' I quickly hid it inside my pocket. 'And I already submitted my survey.'

'Really? That's great. Anyway, we were thinking of walking around the school checking everything there is here with some people. Let's go, Umi-chan.'

I tried to look behind where my senior and I stood earlier and reassured if she were still there if she would like to give another whiff of her intoxicating scent and smile, while Honoka and Kotori grabbed my arms and pulled me along the corridor. But she wasn't anymore, and I was only looking at the lockers and the class doors as I could barely catch a thread of her ribbon.

...

I remembered that night, that a fox is smart and a fox will run. Then for the first time I dared to reimagine the glimpse on my bed just like the night I met the girl in the red dress, the future I might face in a few years, that the face of my beloved started to clear.

The girl in the red dress had slipped out of my reach and I had been crying since I was unsure whether I could see her again, but for the first time that night I didn't shed a tear. As honest as my heart could be, more truly than my mouth, I had no worry about my senior because I had a chance to pursue someone, to pursue a chance for love. All I had to do was to decide on her proposal. But of all, I just wanted to say to her, _"thank you for everything and I can't wait to see you again… Good bye, thief, the girl in the red dress. I have found another heart."_


	6. Chapter 4: Eye of the Hurricane

...

 **Eye of the Hurricane**

Chapter 4

...

* * *

Dear diary, today I found out the truth…

* * *

 **A** fter our trip to the beach, µ's had been going on other outings more often. Some were for study sessions for tests, some were for dance retreats, while the rest were exercise jaunts. Then there were some called vacations too. This was indeed a vacation because for once I was lazy and had not prepared a routine, even though I could in a minute assemble a wholesome fitness regime on medium intensity, that I admitted once in a while we needed them even for a short session to a pool – only one person could convince me to say such tale – as I too was distracted by the dates I had been going with the student council president. It had become a special memory for us as this trip was entirely spent at the country-side, another villa, a traditional one, that Maki got her hands on.

The country-side had always been a panorama of Zen to my eyes, with mountains and open fields and some farmlands surrounded us, I felt at bliss. A beautiful girl was at my side too, from the hour on the train, then another half on the bus, and another quarter as we walked until we reached the villa. She was next to me still when we shared the juice Nico prepared as we sat and admired mount Fuji on the second step of the stoop. The snowy top was reminiscent of her kidnap to Kyoto.

During these trips and vacations, sometimes I asked her to come with me, with a feeble excuse to help me run errands – we had been using codes and signals and this was one of them to get our ways. It was a shameless thing to do if I look back, but because the two of us never gone on dates out of Tokyo that often, we took these rare opportunities and the smallest chances just to be together without disrupting our relationship with the rest of µ's. In secrecy of the others we had an amour. We would go somewhere secluded or far beyond effortful reach to have our own privacy, and we would talk. Sometimes we didn't have to speak a word; just to sit or saunter and enjoy the view of the breath-taking scenery, the smell of minty grass or the tasteful floras or the salty sea, the natural lively sound of domestic faunas or gushing wind or crashing waves, and the soft touch of gravel or grass or sand between fingers, would be enough for me and she would understand my delight and amusement. Whenever I looked at her, I see a mirror of my happiness. Our clothes would get dirty from sitting by the wet beach as we didn't know we would get swept by the wave, or the slope near the paddy field we almost fell into, or the grass we laid on by our cherry tree we marked as ours just because it was a lazy day, and much more other times that I would never forget. For two to three hours we would go missing and returned by dinner if we had actual activities, otherwise we would go in the morning and would return before breakfast. In that time were just reckless teenage runaways appreciating the time of our youth. I would pick up local berries and fruits for us to snack, and I would request my date to hum a song. She would pick up seashells to accessorise or something to hold and play with, and she would request me to pick up pretty blossoms. At times I would tell my date the stories I picked up, and at times she would take her regular naps. At the end of our escapes we would take at least one photo as a book mark of our story, just that she didn't know I admired every one of them afterwards.

I felt comfortable being myself and I was not ashamed nor embarrassed, as she and I were alone for at least a hundred metres in every direction. So none would bear witness to anything we do nor say. Nobody there to judge and nobody there to think about, except the partner on our side. It's nice isn't it? A true mask indeed. And it had been countless times we had done that, but never once we confessed our own feelings, though once or twice we threw some playful teases; or maybe a lock of our little fingers. But why weren't we dating? Was she still waiting for me to adjust to my first-time experience on this matter? I thought I had everything laid before me.

...

I already knew about all the fears she faced, but I was begged not to tell a living soul and let the rest figured out themselves unintentionally. So I did and let the girl be and happily cringe on me if we had to go through a dark and narrow hallway on our trips, or when it was thundering heavily at night whenever I stayed over, or whenever we jogged and passed a big dog. I had become her nesting instinct. I felt bad once because I tried to tease her, but I never did again as her cry was a ship-wrecking storm that she could drown herself in. A grotesque mask if she ever put on one.

One night, the second night of the stay at the villa, everyone slept together in the living room peacefully. Of course, that was after everyone had fallen and I was the one last standing after a pillow fight. More like a pillow massacre. The reason I was so competitive that night was because my date of the trip had recently injured her knee and was recovering. She fell during practice, despite her being wholesome and her excellence in muscle coordination it did not matter how skilful a goddess was, she could still fall to Earth. I was at blame, because the night before her injury she was with me on a late date because I wanted to get a late walk instead of taking the night train after a visit to the theme park, that it must had cost her and fell tiredly. I blamed myself but I couldn't do anything to prevent what had happened. The least, ever since, I had been tending her injury and reminded her to take rests as much as possible. So I knocked down everyone that night so she could sleep peacefully and maintain the intensity of her workout. And I got to be her personal health trainer since.

In the middle of that night there was an eerie feeling that woke me because I was as a deep-sleeper as she was as Honoka was, but I often woke up if I were distressed. I drowsily looked around and everyone slept peacefully, not properly, but still peacefully. Pillows and covers were all over the place, yet the girl next to me were nowhere to place. Her pillow was still so adjacent to mine but her blanket was folded to the side – and I recognised that fold. I recounted the members and we were short by one.

It was dark, I could barely see that I had to use my phone if I were to look for a blossom for her, but I wasn't so I walked anyway. I began to search for the girl, in the bathroom then to the other living room. Suddenly I heard a noise, a loud thump. Just once. I called out and searched for the lights too but everyone in the house, including Maki, was still clueless to where some switches were until I realised I spent too much time rubbing the wall. So I hurried to the kitchen where the sound came when I heard a familiar piercing cry echoed in the hallway. It got clamorous and coherent as much as it was clawing as I got closer. Then I stopped, a few feet away from a girl who cornered herself on the wall and responded after I called out.

'U-Umi? Is that you?' the girl shrilled out.

'It's me! It's me!' I hurried down once I recognised her golden hair and voice. I held on her shoulders while she gripped on my arm that made them tremble along. 'What are you trying to do here alone?'

'I was… I…' she faltered, only when she was nervous and scared because I rarely see this side of her. She clamped on my arm until I felt the pain but I didn't mind, and I hugged her. I rubbed her back to make sure I got her covered all-round, and it soothed her. 'I was thirsty and… I didn't have enough to drink my medicine. And… I didn't want to wake anyone… I didn't want to wake you.'

'You could've asked me to fetch you some. Now I'm fetching you instead. Why didn't you use your phone?'

'It's still upstairs.' She had calmed down and could finally breathe but she still had herself enclosed. 'I thought I don't need it because… I could talk to you anyway. So I went ahead. Besides, I was about to borrow yours, but… we're not…'

'I see.' I continued to caress. 'At least you got courage to go out in the dark now right?'

'Yeah, thanks to you. But I don't think I could go anymore. I heard the wind so strong that that it s-startled me. Then I heard f-footsteps coming closer and faster, how can I recover from that?'

I laughed at the adorable girl before me, while she whined and hitting. So, I helped her stand again and held her arm for I was her walking stick because she was still stumbling. This was merely regular, that after a while she rested or had folded her legs, she would have difficulty on moving her knee again. I led her to the kitchen to get herself a drink, which she served me one too. We took this small chance to have a little play, though some I still had difficulties on taking the part, as I fed her the medicine myself before I helped her drink – the medicine was however a placebo she managed to convince herself, a multi-vitamin pill while she had the anti-inflammatory painkillers with me and to keep it away from her as far as possible, though I had it just in case.

Since we were fully awake then, she decided to go to the back to the terrace. Of course, since I was already there for her, I had to accompany her; one of my feeble excuses. We sat by the wooden porch looking over a decorated garden while we had our eyes at the bright night as some managed to be reflected off the pond. Not only by the moon, but also by the stars that gauged the mood very calming yet intimate as we sat so close – this wasn't the first time we were an inch close sitting next to each other, but at least at other times there were people still awake that we had to keep our hands to ourselves. We decided to resume our tad affairs since my date couldn't go far from our lodging.

We chatted while she swung her feet that were hanging – Maki's father, one of the doctors we went to see though he wasn't the expert in this, suggested her to keep her leg moving as part of the recovery, though it shouldn't be any harsh activity. The joyous child also played with my hair. I had asked her to croon a melody for us. She looked different from the girl I found earlier in the hallway, because she looked so cheered looking at the sky; it was like someone looking at their own home after a long unfortunate mishap and couldn't wait to return. And I thought again, for the nth time, how she looked so similar with the girl I found at the masquerade ball, the girl in the red dress, because of everything I remembered she replayed them in my memory. My cheeks loosened and disposed my smile, transformed into a stern look. I remembered clearly the girl with the white mask who held my hand and spun me around. But there was a clear memory of her was when she walked away and I had to chase her, because every time I walked behind my senior it reminded me of her. And this was not because of her ribbon of scent. I hadn't found the whereabouts of the girl of my dreams, but there was another in front of me. I was confused. Maybe It was the only reason why I hadn't attempted on interlocking her fingers between mine. Yes, it was the only reason I hadn't told her what I felt about my date.

With stepped motion, she turned her head, she let go of my hair, and slightly turned her body at me. Her expression hadn't change as interested as she was at the sky but was at me. 'Yes, Umi?'

'Do you know what my favourite line is?' I looked at her the same way I did during our first date – one eye at the time. "Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." I kept staring at her and notice her expression finally changed. An honest look, astounded. Her feet stopped their swinging too. I confronted the girl finally after all those times I bit my tongue. 'Almost two years ago, I went to a masked party that Kotori invited me to. That very same day, where were you?'

She was silent and her chest movement quickened, while gradually her expression turned cold. I hadn't broken my stare just yet as the truth was all I looked for, because for more than a year I was with her I never once mentioned about that party, yet by this reaction she seemed to know. She did not look away either, but her lips started to open for air. 'How long have you known?'

'You are in no position to ask. Where were you?' I gripped on the edge of where I was sitting.

'I was… dancing with you.'

I had fallen for the same girl twice! And she wouldn't tell me?! You know what they say: steal my heart once shame on me, steal my heart twice, shame on you.

Tempered, even raged, I had to barf out my tantrum. I rose up and stormed away, stomped my steps on the sugi wooden floor, but never gone unlike how she liked to treat me! Between anger and joy, I felt furious instead by the havering. Long I had searched for my fairy-tale princess who happened to be the person right in front of me, who I had spent a lot of time with at those countless unforgettable dates and trips, in disguise indeed! I was as confused as I felt betrayed! I blew some steam as I roamed while she kept quiet and concerned on the edge.

'Umi, I'm sorry.' She stood finally and faced me so I stopped.

'How could you?' I kept my distance. I didn't shout nor did I bark, but patronising was the best I could do. 'All these times and you never told me. Ever since I walked into you I've been confused. You approached me so kindly and so lovingly, but I was uncertain whether I should go with you or keep searching for the girl I met long ago.' I threw my back again and kept wandering but rather calmly. I hadn't looked at her for a while, but I knew she hadn't moved. 'All those details that I remembered I tried so hard not to look at them in you because… because it won't be fair to you.'

'What do you mean?' She took a step.

'The way I see it, you are you.' I opened when I stopped too, to face her at a distance. 'All those things we shared at the party are truly memorable. I wrote it in ink in my diary. I reread it every night before I cried myself to sleep… until school started, where I met you again. I had to start over, to write another page about you in ink. But in my diary, you are two different persons.'

She hadn't said a word but she clenched herself on her blue nightshirt. Just like our first date, she listened.

'Whenever I'm with you, I tried my best not to think about that unnamed girl I met because I take what I shared with you can't be seen in other person. What would you say if everything that we had is just something I had with Honoka, or Kotori, Rin, Hanayo, Nozomi, or Nico? What would you say if everything that differentiate you with the rest of the people are just your name… because I hadn't got yours the first time we met…'

I looked at her as how I looked at the masked girl.

'To you maybe it was just a story,' I continued. 'But a fairy-tale story is exactly what I'm looking for. You dug that out of me just within the month we knew each other. But when I met you for the first time, I thought of you as my fairy-tale princess…' I came closer to her when she removed one fist on her chest to her mouth. 'With your beautiful red dress that night, that amazing performance we made together,' I slipped a memorable laugh, 'that chase we ran in the hall and in the maze, was just the princess a simple privateer like me looks for.'

'I never knew that.' She held her dress again and had looked away. I saw a new expression in her, more jaw-breaking than the one she often showed when she confessed something about herself – I learned within the week I knew her. Though this deviant one was similar to when she was in in the dark.

'If you had given me your name or at least shown your face that day, you might.' I swapped my perspective of the girl to the senior I fell for during our first meeting. 'How could the person I trusted the most, to not tell me the truth about this. To not tell me about my first love, my dream when I was a kid.' I came near to one of the wooden pillars, as did she on the other side.

'I'm sorry, Umi.'

'If I haven't asked you, when were you ever going to tell me?' I leaned on the pillar as she did too, but she never made a voice. Sometimes I felt selfish for always talking and she listened, but sometimes I never liked her being too quiet, and worse if she looked weak and speechless like this girl I was looking at. She had a stranger as a behaviour but I had to let it out. 'Do you know how long it took me to get over that girl in the red dress?'

She cringed, with her eyes pinched, and her shirt clutched. 'How… how long?' she asked.

'I'm still counting…' I said to the girl who then lifted her head to look at me to check. 'I never moved.'

'What?' She stepped.

'I love the both of you equally. I just never knew you were the same person.'

'You never moved on?' She took another but closer. I kept my mouth shut while she approached me. 'So if your princess found you again, and… and she were to love you back…' I watched her steps closely while she sneaked. 'Would that mean you still have your fairy-tale story?'

'I… I guess.' I looked away.

'Is there something wrong if we're the same person?'

'No… I guess not.'

'So what are we arguing about?' I looked back at her.

'I don't know.'

She moved forward.

'What do you want to do now?'

'I don't know.'

She moved a little closer.

'What are you thinking?'

'I don't know.'

She took a final step and we were facing each other until I had to lift my head to face her, the same height I looked at when I danced with her at the ball. Her hand was still on her chest that I felt was closer to than herself. She began to let go and reached out to me, slowly though, as if she was trying to catch a bug on my head. I was not scared yet I even let her hand come closer to me. Ever since we had known each other, the most daring thing we had ever done was my kiss on her cheek one time, and that was it. From the way she was approaching, with her hand that just cleared my hair and gently stroked my head, she was about to give me one.

However, I was still furious. I removed the hand from my head and walked away towards the hallway as her face was almost next to mine. 'You can't just… you can't do that to me and expect me to forgive you. I mean, I do, but I'm still mad at you. You hid something so big from me…' I didn't care where I went but as long as I had the time to myself to think. Think about what exactly?

'Umi, wait!' she called hurried herself to catch me, for once she had to feel how it's like to chase someone, but I rue the decision I took that night, when suddenly I heard another loud thumping and though it was clearer this time. I stopped turned around to find the girl was already on the floor. I froze on the spot as if I saw a ghost that scared me. But the girl was restless. 'I'm… I'm sorry, Umi!' She picked herself up in difficulty and her best until she slipped again and fell. This time the thump came from her hitting her knee on the floor until finally she collapsed to her side. I screamed without a sound at this horror-show while she cried.

I dashed to her again, as I abandoned my thoughts to solely help my injured date. She was my responsibility and I dare to leave her? Such a sham, Umi! As I came to her aid she reached out to hug me. With my strength I tried to pick her up but she pulled me down and hadn't released me. Her legs were folded and hands were shaken violently.

'Are you alright?! Why did you try to run?!'

'You're… you're walking away. Of course I'll chase you!' She cried.

'You shouldn't have, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.' I hugged her tightly in my arms. 'Y-you're folding your leg too much, straighten it!'

'Just… just don't go… please…'

Eventually, she let me go a little bit and I finally could get her up. Her weep wet my nightshirt but I didn't care as long as I could carry her to the porch. I set her down and I tended her legs after she loosened on her grip on me. I began to stretch her slowly because even before I moved it she was already in restless pain, heaving too. When I touched her knee she didn't feel it as the injury were the muscles around, but it was warm. She prevented me to get her medicine. I didn't let myself panic, as the doctor told me and especially me not to, but I carefully let it rest while she still had her tight hug on me. On my chest she still let out bawl of suffering.

...

I remembered the first doctor we went to, who thought I was her lover because of how I cared and concerned for the girl, told me to lightly massage the muscle around her knee occasionally. So, I did after we moved so she could rest on the wooden pillar and she was no longer crying that I let myself be the pillow she hugged for a minute. I had brought her a flower that caught my eye from that garden so she could admire and smell it for a while. I started to blush when I massaged as her cries were no longer of fear nor pain, but of tickles. I must be steaming again, because I blushed when I started to touch her as her smooth and fair skin so appealing, and with the softest touch she was sensitive.

The mood had definitely changed and we both had revoked our quarrel and unfurled our smiled.

There were a few times in our secret affair when we had a slight disagreement to a great argument, just like this. I admitted all were my fault, but she disagreed – thus began another dispute. Some lasted for only a few minutes while one tremendous fight lasted a few months – one just before I entered my second year. But we always found our ways back that we would entirely discard any misbehaviours or misunderstanding with a snap of a finger. A minute we would argue, but the next minute we would forget, then the next we would already be on each other's arms. A one quick fix that I had not realised what it was, until a year later.

'Thanks, Umi, I'll be alright,' she said while she twirled the flower between her fingers.

'A-are you sure about this? If I let you go, don't go swinging it around, okay?'

'I promise as long as you stay here.'

'I'll never leave you, you know that! I'm sorry for storming out too…'

The terrace had become quiet except the insects cricketing around us. I had let her leg go as the daily portion of my massage was done, again by me because since the beginning she excused herself as "not being able to reach it." Of course, I didn't mind it once a day since it was my fault to begin with, that anything related to that was my responsibility, but I felt her whole self was my responsibility to care for too. Unconsciously I woke up that night maybe because she secretly called for me and I answered her beacon.

Her sitting position was unavoidably facing me while mine was at the stars again. I didn't sit too far from her to make sure she felt I was there whenever she needed, though she did not have to worry as I would come to nurse anyway. I placed her foot on my lap so the knee would be elevated. When I turned to her she looked busy taking notes of the weather and interpreting her course, just without a paper or a compass or a map.

'I had a bad history on relationships,' she said. 'I went through one of the worst times of my life as one of my dreams was torn again. You already heard my failure when I was little, about my ballet, but you haven't heard the other one. I was like you, a first-year student, but unlike you I had no friends because I just moved from Russia. I haven't met Nozomi yet, but she heard of and saw me, so I was lost at school. And alone. I don't know the school much besides the stories my grandmother told me but a lot had changed since. I've seen pictures but I have to start over again, you know. Anyway, just a few days into my high-school life, I caught a lot of attention for being a foreigner. Then one day when I was still lost, when I was looking for my locker I saw my seniors. I was shock as you were, when you saw my tie, but I this time I saw green ties. Then one of them approached, the school president at the time…'

'Wait, is it...'

'So, you heard. Yeah, she was my first girlfriend.'

I heard a lot of stories, and the rumours too. Mostly about the girl next to me, and out of the most were about the people who chased after her. Some said she was the meanest person in school as she rejected so many confessors, but behind those rejections she was called the nicest person too, and I believed the latter. There were a lot of bad rumours about her that I chose not to believe but they only lasted a day or two until another came about another girl in our school wanted to confess again. Then there was another too, about her past relationship – I wouldn't believe if someone had said a girl as pretty as my mistress had always been single. And I was at the front-row seat for the truth.

'But she doesn't know me,' she continued and turned her head to look at me, her sole audience, 'because she doesn't know what I liked, what I don't like, what I wanted, and what I cared for. Meanwhile you can answer that in split second… can't you, Umi? And she doesn't care for the school either. You see, before you came the school was already in trouble. Not because of closing, but its bad reputation that worsened over years. Since I was with the school president, I kept pushing her to fix it. She argued that I was not in the council and I had no say. Then I checked, that her council was all filled with her close friends. I knew this because I got popular in her batch, so her classmates told me about it. Then as I got closer to her classmates, one of them told me that the school president won by popularity, but she was not at all a good person.'

'That was just by one person?'

'Yeah. I didn't want to believe it at first but more people came to me with the same information. Some were worried because she was bad influence for me. I didn't know why, back then I was pretty sure as logical as I am now, because all the evidences were right in front of me, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I pursued her slowly to at least consider about the school's reputation. Then one day, when I wanted to give her a surprise and a present because she was often angry at me,' she paused for a quick smile before she disposed it, 'I walked-in on her kissing another girl in the council room. Blazers were off, ties were nowhere to be seen…'

'T-that's horrible. Are you… are you alright?' I turned my body when I saw her stare slowly turning blank, with a hint of anger or fear or even sadness, I wouldn't know because she never felt like so in the instant.

'I am. Sorry.' In confusion she smiled while she scratched her head. 'Then I left,' she continued. 'She chased me down in the hallway, she didn't even bother to do her top two buttons. She stopped me and said I was at fault, I was too close to her friends and classmates. Apparently, she said I was only seeking for attention. When I told her how I felt she cussed me instead, then she made a scene too.'

'You know that's not true, right? I don't believe it!' I said as I wanted to convince the kind girl I had always known, always cared, and always defend. 'I've known you long and I can acquit.'

She kept her cool yet her charm had never disappointed me when she played with her hair. 'Thanks for believing in me.'

'She sounds like a horrible person. Good thing that she got… you know…'

'That's a little mean of you, isn't it, Umi?' She asked while she giggled and made me take back what I said – she never liked it if I were mean. 'So, word got around at school, quickly too, that she and the chick got called into the director's office. Along with two of her friends, while the rest who had been kind to me befriended me. Nobody heard what happened inside, but when they got out, they were no longer students of Otonokizaka… She looked for me at school, which I thought she was going to say goodbye, but instead she said more things about me before she left. Sometimes she confronted me outside school grounds but as time goes, her old classmates began to accompany me, Nozomi was there too, so I wasn't at all alone when she's around. She said worse things about me but she eventually disappeared and I could leave school peacefully. So, for a brief period of time we didn't have a proper council, as everyone involved were actually unqualified to sit there. So actually, we didn't have one.'

'How come I never heard of that last part? I thought you took over once she left. By the way, if I were her I wouldn't do such thing… and I would befriend you on the first day.'

'Don't just say things like that, Umi!' she distressed and skittishly with her cheeks on her palms, lip-stick red. And here, was the story she shared only to me and no other soul except those who already knew. 'But you see, during that period I came to Kotori's mother. She already knew me because she knew my grandmother, and of course my mother too. From back then she knew how earnest I already was. I gave a proposal to the principal, and to have an emergency assembly to elect new members of the council and the president. In that proposal I gave a detailed procedure and arrangement of a new student body, a proper one to overstep the failed one. The Council body acts as "judges" to and during the election of the president, her vice-president, and her secretary. The Council must first be subjective towards students than the president, for the president must obey what The Council says outside her jurisdiction. And this council who has members of all years, can only be approved by the principal and her staffs responsible, because The Council will be held responsible for the president's actions, while the president is responsible for the results of her actions. For all and most situation The Council will be under the governance of the president and her vice-president – thus the new indefinite article The Student Council.'

'According to that white binder, The Great White Folder, isn't that how things are?'

'Exactly, Umi. It's only established less than a year we met, and it's still the original copy of mine. So the chairwoman agreed on my proposal, and everything else that I had written there, and wanted me to run for president.'

'Even when you just in your first year? I thought you only started last year.'

'I did. That's why I said to the principal that I wouldn't be a good president, as I didn't know the school as much as other students. I may have the character for it but in my opinion, I'm not yet suited for the position. So, the principal insisted on positioning me next in line, to be Head of the Council. And I led the rest, where they were third- and second-years while I was the only freshman.'

'It must be difficult for you.'

'You have no idea.' She giggled. 'But everyone that I led for two years trusted me very well. Since then I've been under the principal's and director's watch and the school slowly improved the rest of the year. Chairwoman Minami appreciated my hard work, that she invited me to come to this high-society party, as an appreciation. It was at the end of the academic year. It was a masquerade ball.' She paused for a second and smiled at me while she still had her lock of hair on her play pointed at me. 'That's where you come in, isn't it? But back then, I was still too attached to my first relationship, that the principal thought I could get some fresh air. And who knew I would run into you.' She smiled with blush she thought she could hide by looking at the flower in her hand. 'You helped me moved on, Umi. So only after the ball, I was actually my true self.'

She had led me through her truth and part of her life in one-go that I was hooked to her story until the end, which I secretly begged in my head to hear the rest of them too even if it would take years to do. I had completely forgotten our quarrels and my misbehaviour with my mistress, as well as I was embarrassed on how I got upset by the silly things in my life compared to the girl so matured. I felt I was soft yet I made the duchess worry. I was such a fool.

'And there's my story,' she said as she looked while she still had her ruddy complexion and seemed to forget about it. 'I'm sorry that I drifted, it's always so fun to talk to you. And it has been a while since we did this.'

'Don't be sorry. I actually enjoyed it until the end. I also didn't know you worked so hard even since the first year.'

'Remember what I told you in your first day? I don't want to be the product of my environment –'

'–you want the environment to be the product of you. I remember.'

'Right. But my other point of that story,' She looked away, just like in our first date when she confessed, 'I don't want the same thing to happen to you. There's a perfect environment I worked to create for you, peaceful and enjoyable for all your senses. Somewhere to spoil you with. A utopian Shangri-La. I want to protect you as much as I can from any bad influence, including my past. I don't want your heart to be as broken as mine, but I accidentally hurt you, didn't I? I am also glad that you came to the school when it's stabilising, and we revoked the closure together, though I tried my best to do it myself. At the same time, I want to make sure that you see me as who I am, not just from outside. I don't know if what she said were true, but I don't want people to like me for just my looks. When I became popular I got approached by a lot of people but their confessions were mostly about how I looked, yet they don't know me. That's why I turned them down. So, Umi…' She swung her injured leg down, so she could walk on the stony kerb under my feet. She was still hopping. But before I could reach for her, she already sat next to me. So close, that I had to remove my hand from my side. 'I hoped when you said you cared for the both of me, you really meant it and you're not just talking about how I look.'

Once again, her hand reached out to me to clear my hair out of my view and my ears, but compared to before, she was confident. With just one hand she placed it on the side of my neck that reached up to my cheek. Compared to the last few months I slept at her house, or she at mine, our faces were never that close. She started to move in, just her head because our bodies couldn't get any closer than we already were. She did it slowly, again trying not to scare me, but trying her best to place her lips not on my cheek but straight to my lips too. She had closed her eyes as she already knew where my mouth was. Within her slow pace, I suddenly remembered the masquerade ball when she held me just like so. This was something that would had been a kiss if she hadn't taken her time, something I had been looking for since I was young.

For the second time I was about to get my first kiss… by the same person.

But for the first time, I began to see my senior as my princess, or my vixen as my student council president. I began to smell her the same way as I did for the both of them, ribbons unknotted and retied together producing another stranger of words to describe, but an odour so magnificent, Amor and Psyche.

'I… I can't.' I said when I started to feel her breathing on me where we had already made a gaping of our own lips. I said with her lips an inch close to mine.

'What?' She gently opened her eyes as she pulled herself back.

'I can't… I can't get over the fact you hid it from me.' I said without moving, though if she had moved in on me I would had accepted it, I would had given her my first kiss. While she took her hand back, I quickly caught it in the middle with two of my hands. 'It's not that I don't forgive you, because I do. It's just… You kept such a big secret from me, my wish that came true and you kept it to yourself. Yet I don't want to lose this. Who knows what other secret you kept from me, but… I want to be a part of it. This is about my fear. I've already told you about it, being left out, and if you didn't say things to me I felt left out from you, and that's the worst part about my fear. I want to hear everything. But right now, it will take time for me to trust you the way I have, for each of you, though you're still the person I trusted the most. Until then, I can't completely give you my…' I smiled.

'I understand,' she said after we had a silent stare without I realised I still owned her hand. 'And thank you for forgiving me.' Her eyes suddenly soothed me unlike before, I no longer hear the storm as at the eyes was the calmest place to be. 'I will try to be more open to you. And remind me whenever I don't keep that end of my promise, Umi. You know, you should consider yourself lucky because I never been this talkative to anyone.' She turned her head to the sky when I let her hand go.

'Thanks for telling me,' I said when she still had her smile. 'I'm sorry that I'm a little selfish sometimes. You had it harder than I but I'm so childish.' In a heartbeat I grabbed her the same way she did to me and I quickly gave a kiss on her cheek, the same cheek I planted after she took me to Kyoto. I let go of her neck and clenched on her shirt while I looked down in embarrassment. 'I… I can't give you my first kiss yet… but I gave you that as a present, for taking care of me…'

'Umi…' she said above my head.

'A-and it's for the school too! I'm sure nobody had thanked you properly for it, so I did it on behalf of everyone, your cohort and your posterity. B-because you've indeed created a loving, coddling, and cosseting environment for m-me. Thank you. And if you… if you share more things that you hold onto for a long time, or anything that you want to share with me, I'll… I'll… maybe I'll consider giving you the chance for a third one.'

She caressed my head from the top before she rested her head on. 'Sure,' she said while she opened her arms and hugged me with my head still on her chest, not proud enough to show my face for being so straightforward of my own feelings – but again, only she could make me do what I did.

'You know, if you hadn't taken your time just now,' I said before I looked up at her, 'you could've gotten my kiss.'

'A mistake I would remember for the rest of my life. But I don't mind it, because I'm investing in time.'

...

Often I was oblivious to my own destiny, my own luck over others. From the start I got to talk so freely with this beautiful senior, where I know other girls at school wanted a chance just of a chat with her. Then how I got to spend my time on the beach with her while I know someone in school was trying their best to just walk around with her. Also, how I got to hold her hand just minutes ago when a girl out there would beg to get to just a shake of her hand. Especially, to have her hold me so close that we almost exchange a kiss, something every girl in school would kill for. But I realised I had missed a lot of ropes she threw, yet she kept me within her reach.

We sat there for a while and she had already started to swing her feet again. She hummed the melody we danced to in our first meeting. Then I rejoiced our fated encounter, while she rejoiced our oddly fortunate the chance of encounter – as by this time we had already shared our thoughts on destiny. By then I had already let her rest her head on my shoulder as she placed the flower I got her still under her nose, while the newly appreciated knot of her scent I smelt under mine. We enjoyed the night further, but it was not all cold. The same memory replayed when we spent our promenades in secret as I saw her same smile. We had let go of ourselves but not yet our hands, or at least our arms. We jumped in panic when she cracked her knee that I had to scold her not to swing anymore. I scolded her again when she tried to fold her leg. But we enjoyed each other's company until she started to get tired and her head kept falling off my shoulder – it was only normal for her as she exhausted a lot of energy in holding back her pain as she refused to take her painkillers.

I didn't have to carry her anymore since she could walk but I still helped her to the kitchen to grab another drink but not a chocolate; as she reasoned it was a part of her medication to eat five times a day, though she already had her sixth. We also grabbed some ice for her knee that was still a little warm. I helped her walk again to the living room where we found the girls had not moved an inch and I placed her where she belong, right next to me. When I set her down on her side of the mattress, she gave me a hug tightly that I couldn't even move for a minute and I enjoyed that hug for it felt like an hour as I appreciated how lucky I was to get one from this idol. I also flipped her pillow so she would rest on the cool side. Then I got under my blanket after I tucked her in – not forgetting to stuff a pillow under her leg to keep her knee lifted.

Then the second she closed her eyes I reached out to grab her hand by crossing mine to her side and under her blanket. For the times I stayed at her house, or she at mine, or any other trips where we "coincidentally" placed our mattresses adjacent to each other, we never really held hands especially under covers for it was such a private affair. Usually I would end up waking with her head on the edge of her pillow that she had to use a portion of mine, and sometimes her hand would hold the edge of my shirt or my gown that with the slightest movement would alarm her of her prey's movements – such a vixen's precaution that I had yet found an escape clause. It was such an intimacy that even ourselves hid it from our own morale, to not acknowledge that we are or were holding each other's hands during dates. It started by an accident, thought I did allow it, on the first day she joined µ's while we were sitting in her living room. But of course I didn't feel comfortable when we actually tried it on a different day and failed, even discarded on attempting from that day onwards, but we were still eager – I knew that because she knew that. We progressed from then, where we placed our hands so close on the edges of bus seats until they touched, until we got used to my last finger that wrapped on hers. And I was welcomed with that pace. During our private saunters on beaches or at esplanades, because she knew I had always loved the ocean on our east and the sea on our west as much, we had to hold hands to remember such an amazing memory, together. But that night, I dared myself for it was a risky affaire that we might get discovered, or even rebuked by other members, and actually conceded for the first time I held her hand.

She turned her head suddenly at me which I threw mine away. I hid my face with my hair so she couldn't see me boiled, even further when she responded with a return of her tight hold. We kept our warmth under the blanket.

'Good night, Umi,' she crooned.

I looked over while I was still covered by my own hair, she had turned her whole body towards me with my hand held so close to her chest. I admired her for another minute before suddenly she opened her eyes again after the silence.

'Ah! G-good night!'

...

In my diary, that I opened after I got home I finally could fill the left-blank subtitle, "AND THE MASK SHE NAMED:", of the page when I met my mystery princess with her name – the girl in the red dress. Then, after I wrote another three pages about our trip, about her cry, about my storm, about her eyes and about her beauty once again, about my dauntless stunt, I reread that velveteen-red page of the diary one more time and realised that she had loved me from the beginning. That she had already hugged me she had already held my hands. That she had already confessed her love for me. That I was the one wearing the mask until now…

So why weren't we together? Maybe because I had not said my love for her whole.

It was only fair for me to return the love for her twice the heart, besides the reality that I hadn't. And in my diary that night, the two-page dedication, was the very evidence I first started to compose my confession.


	7. Chapter 5: Blackout

...

 **Blackout**

Chapter 5

...

* * *

Dear diary, I needed a candle to write this page…

* * *

 **W** e arrived at the apartment as we hurried back that afternoon with feet we stepped inside almost wet by rain if we hadn't spent too much time at the park that day, for that day we laid atop of the grassy dwarf hill daring ourselves to stare into each other's eyes for four-straight minutes, that believed could fall any two people in love as long as they were willing, but as much as she wanted to continue it started to drizzle that we ended it no longer than a minute; and within that minute I struggled so much and looked away more often than the birds that chirruped in jealousy at us, that only I noticed on our way back that my girlfriend was as sorrow as the sky. We didn't bring an umbrella and our coats were not designed to keep us dry, so before the rain could fall on us we quickened our scuttles to get home. The sky was clouding dark and we already felt humid half-way through. The air was thick, and my girlfriend complained the weather made her stuffy.

I entered second and picked up the key my girlfriend left in the keyhole. It was unique as the key had three triangular holes on the bow that differentiated it with the rest on her keychain. Then I put it on the top surface of the shoe-rack on my left next to her vogue clear lens glasses, where I had always left it for the convenience of my girlfriend's, so she wouldn't forget it whenever she left the apartment – there was only one set of keys there as I kept mine in my bag for _my_ convenience.

...

Just that Sunday, we hit the one-month mark in our relationship. We celebrated it with a simple balcony, candle-lit dinner. It was just miso pasta but she made it with her whole heart and I loved every last strand of the spaghetti. We dragged the end table of the sofa outside and two of the dining chairs and we fashioned in our house clothes. She played on her iPod _The Way You Look Tonight_ and we spent the rest of the night dancing in the empty space of her apartment; it was between the bookshelf and the dining table. I spent the rest of that Sunday at her apartment for our monthiversary.

My vixen in red and my senior, who was now my girlfriend truly was the love I had longed for since the day I met her; whichever one you're thinking about.

We hung our coats and bags on the hanger we had recently nailed too. Her apartment was still considered new, a new building around the area, and she had moved in not long after I confessed and not long after she answered; she answered with a _yes_ and I hadn't had it out my mind within that first month. It was nowhere near to be prosperous, in a way we imagined. The limiting factor was the content in her wallet. Money was a little sensitive subject for her that she even had a saving and a chequing bank accounts set up that would limit, and literally, each of her spending to the last drop of chocolate. Her apartment was still very empty, even the idol club room had more things in it than what was hers; that's even after Nico got all her things packed. She only had a few books in the shelfs, few pans in the kitchen and few plates too, and only one to two bars of chocolate. I felt sad and always pursued if I could help, but she wasn't persuaded and wouldn't let me furnish her apartment because she wanted them to come from her own saving money, though I was allowed to help her decide what to buy. I could, however, buy small decorative items for her like the frames for our photos, a Geisha doll with a golden fan that reminded me of my girlfriend, few cuts of wall mirrors for the dining area, my bamboo boat I always admired as a child and put it near the TV, a calligraphy set that I meant to teach her for quite some time, a calligraphy I made for her that hung near her bookshelf, a wooden bowl to contain snacks if she had any, snacks because she didn't have any, a set of tea cups my mother bought suggested for entertaining guests, wooden coasters for them too, bamboo wind chime by her balcony, a large, slightly modern scroll painting above her bed, bedside lantern I kept on her side of the bed to keep her safe even if I weren't there, and a few more that made up most of the apartment anyway. This took a lot of convincing but she yielded at the end.

'Umi, my dear,' she called playfully to me from behind the already-furnished sofa I was sitting cosily on. 'I washed my dishes early this morning, so can I eat the rest of the chocolate bar in the fridge?'

'Sure. Break me a piece too, okay?'

'You're the best, Umi,' she replied quickly and pulled my head back. From behind the sofa she bent over and gave me a kiss. A kiss like it was so casual in our days. A kiss like there was nothing to worry about. A kiss like it was something to be expected if one wanted it or asked for it. A kiss like it was a present for our lover. A kiss because we were already a couple. Because it was, as we had our first kiss of our long relationship in that tower. But I still treated it with much respect and much weight that she made me drop the remote I held as I was setting up the movie we were about to watch. Naturally beautiful to my sense of taste she had been since the first minute we started dating. So passionately she kissed me that she took her time as if she took my lips as something fragile and I was drawn to her, though without a warning she suddenly ended it and walked to the fridge to get her treat, which I thought _I_ was it.

'T-that's it?'

'Excuse me?' she asked as she turned around with one hand on the fridge, without her treat just yet.

'No, n-nothing!' I turned around blushingly to face the TV again as I saw it in the reflection of the dark edges and searched for the remote for five minutes. Only on the sixth I realised it had always been next to me.

My girlfriend often got out of hand when she kissed. It didn't matter if we were in the sofa or in the bed because I would gladly let her have my lips, but she often kissed elsewhere other than my mouth. Especially when she introduced her hand into the play. I didn't mind if she took her time or a little roughly on me but when she kissed my jaw and my neck I felt a slight tingle inside me. Then if she moved her hand on my body, on my waist or up my legs, I suddenly felt the tingle became electrified that it shocked me and I got repulsive. But at the same time I got a small excitement on whichever part of me she focused, and I felt so loved as I had her whole attention, because of her pure intention everything she did was for me to pleasure. So I tried my best to get over with my own hitch and let her take care of me. But still, when her pace got carried away, I tried to slow her down so she wouldn't be too far ahead of me.

She returned to the sofa next to me after she placed two cups of tea she just brewed, with her legs folded to the side and had her body to face me. She had the bar of chocolate with her while I scrolled to the movie we were about to watch – we had one decided since morning when suddenly the mood for action movie hit her. She broke a piece from the bar. She placed the rest on the table while she had one in her mouth. Then she leaned on me so close with the chocolate in her mouth stuck out as she offered it to me; just like how she played it with every single Pocky stick. I was drawn every second as I looked at her, like a treat on a treat. So I went for the chocolate too, but she pulled back. When I reached forward, she moved to the side. When I reached to the side, she moved down. It was the Pocky game all over again. But I played a game of my own: I quickly grab the chocolate out of her and kissed her instead. That way I got a kiss and I got the chocolate. My girlfriend could only sullenly pout as she leaned on me with my snack and the movie started.

Then we got to our usual routine whenever we watch a movie, one that we would at home. First, before we got to the title of the movie, we would already found ourselves lying on sofa with her usually on top, and we would already make a mess of the sofa and my hair even before I put down the remote. And that was all the steps. Although we did have a routine, we didn't play every time. This was one of those times. Because this time we only got until the end of the production logos since suddenly the movie stopped, at the same time the lights turned off, and also the lamp on the end table I bought a week before. It was a blackout. We kept out kiss, at least I held her there for a while but not too long as we noticed something went wrong. She moved her lips out of me while I was still pinned breathing heavily before she climbed off. We looked around and tried the intercom but it didn't work, it was indeed a blackout.

'Did you pay the electricity?' I ruined the moment, for it was a perfect one for her to continue, and suggested by her burning eyes.

'I did!'

With my phone lying on the table, she picked it up and dialled her neighbour living downstairs – I had the number because I once mistook her quarter for the one under. She rested on me as we laid on the sofa and put the call on speaker. The three of us talked and asked about the situation, and the Mrs. explained a transformer blew for the whole building and the whole block around.

My phone was another thing she had recently got herself comfortable with. She understood and had been in her custom, that everything about it and in it would be my privacy and she respected my privacy higher than her own. We had been close from the start, exponentially we grew to the point I became more comfortable than most of the people and family that I knew within the month I had been talking to her, but she had always refrained herself from touching my phone except if we were to take a picture. In her silk lines of brilliant thoughts, she wouldn't use my phone for any reason if we weren't together. But I never felt that way, because she would gladly offer her phone whenever I needed, that I had long learned her password to unlock it too; her parents' anniversary. So, one of the first thing we did as a merry couple, besides sharing a phenomenal kiss, was to introduce her to my device. I had told her the key to unlock was her birthday, but she cried and kept hitting me after she failed the third time only because she had forgotten the Japanese format. It was a silly thing to be shy about, but my girlfriend flustered when she first unlocked my phone for the first time with her own two hands. But that's just what made my girlfriend adorable.

...

Our phone call got drifted after some time, that after we ended the call we somehow got invited to a dinner with the lady the following Friday, we got the name of her niece, and got a free painting that she would bring the next time she went to her workshop. Then there I was, lying on my girlfriend as we had decided to swap places mid-call. We talked then about our day. I shared how I got to take care of things at school with Honoka and Kotori before the school reopened as I was the vice-president at the time, and admitted I was unsure if I were able to survive it alone without my senior to take care of me. In turn, she shared how her first days at orientation at university was, as she met a few new friends and I got easily jealous for I was worried they might be fans of hers during her time as a school idol. Then we talked about that movie we were about to watch and checkout the spoilers instead; the hero died at the end. Then also about how untidy my girlfriend was before she met me. Then about the white chocolate I tasted still on her lips when I kissed her; she had the audacity to put her hand inside my shirt and up my back until she touched my bra. As soon as we talked about food something snapped out of her. She rushed up that made me fall on the sofa.

'Aaahh!' I cried as I fell.

'Aaahh!' she cried as she sat up. 'I forgot about the freezer! It's all going to be ruined, Umi!'

'You don't have any food inside.'

She took a moment before crying on my chest, and we swapped places again. 'Why am I dating someone so bold?' Protested her feelings out but muffled as she buried her face on my collar.

'Because if it wasn't for my boldness,' I replied as I picked up the head of the saddened girl, 'we won't be dating right now.' I gave her a kiss to repair a smile. A taste of her roasted tea. 'Tell me, when were you planning to confess to me if I hadn't done it first?'

'You're bringing that up now?'

'The last thing _I_ remembered, I was the first person who gives a present, then I was the first person to mistakenly ask you to be my girlfriend, then I was the first to give a kiss on the cheek,' I said before she interrupted me with a quick kiss. Her face was of dominance, but she knew I own better. 'And I was the first to give a proper kiss.'

'Fine, you want to do this?' she challenged as she sat up at her corner of the sofa.

So we began our battle of boldness, though I had already laid my cards on the table, she kept piling on hers. She started from her "boldness" on leading me to dance at the party, then she rambled much on her "boldness" during my first day of school, then again her "boldness" on our first date, then another "boldness" on our second date, then her "boldness" on kidnaping me to Kyoto, then her boldness on almost kissing me, then her boldness on wanting to meet my family members, her boldness on enjoying my hobby together, her boldness on taking me to my favourite places, her boldness on telling everyone about our relationship…

I jumped at my girlfriend who was still piling on her advances on me and I stopped her as I kissed her with all my love and my soul, as I was when we kissed for the first time. And I made sure she felt it too.

'What was that for?' she finally said after she had opened her eyes slowly.

'It's… It's for everything.' I dove myself on her blouse. 'You've been so kind to me, and I don't think I could ever compare it with anyone's kindness.' I spotted the necklace I gave her before I confessed. 'Actually if you hadn't done all those things you said, I wouldn't be this close to you as I am now.' I picked up the locket and raised it. 'If you hadn't waited for me for three hours on our first date…'

'Umi,' she said as she rubbed her thumb under my swollen eyes, then another for my lips, just like how I cared for her necklace. 'For as long as we were together, the last lovely month and the years before, is there anything you want to take back from this relationship? Something that you did, maybe the ones I did wrong…'

I pushed her down and kissed her again, I replayed the same memory over and over again until she got the picture. 'I'm not taking anything back,' I said after I removed myself as I kept my close distance between our lips in case she pulled another rope. 'I'm not going to take back that kiss either. You told me to be committed, so I always am…' We were at each other's face but she didn't reach for it.

'Umi…' she gulped, 'why me? Of all the girls why me?'

'You're one to ask. You've been chasing me around, getting my attention, _forced_ me to go out on dates.'

The only thing I saw was her grin from ear to ear since I was so near, and that was the only thing that made me feel aloft. A Cheshire-Cat kind of situation. That smile that would make any woman's day. 'Hey, Umi,' she purred as she bit her lip and then her finger afterward, something lusty she tried to build. 'I'm a horrible person and I didn't pay attention a lot. You said something about thanking me…' With the same finger she pressed against my bottom lip until my jaw lowered. 'Can you repeat what you said?'

'It's for everything. You've been so kind to me, and I don –'

'Umi!' she nudged.

So I gave the girl what she asked for and another when she asked if I had more, my honest thanks.

...

After an hour we fell into boredom. We didn't spend the whole time on each other's but we got a lot of things done that afternoon. We cleaned the whole apartment, we re-cleaned the whole apartment, we reorganised the bathroom soaps and shampoos, we rearranged our cereals based on its fibre content then again based on expiry date, we arranged our books back in alphabetical order after my girlfriend arranged according to date published that she thought was a good idea, we had swapped our clothes and back, and we took a million photos with my phone too and uploaded them to our shared storage as usual. Then we got a call from my sister, which we talked for another hour, though it was my girlfriend who was more excited and interested that I only got ten minutes of talk time. Then we got a call from Alisa who was looking for me but my girlfriend was jealous, so she made that a short call – we promised to talk in school instead, on her first day.

I lied down on her lap while my beloved read a book, one that she almost finished by Murakami, which she suddenly ended even though she had a few pages left. She grabbed the pages from the top and tore them. It was nothing new for at least she had done that to the rest of the books on the bookshelf – that was her kindness for me. She placed the pages on the end table and underneath the book she had just " _finished"_.

'Aren't you going to read that?' I asked when I was still on her lap.

'You'll beg me to tell you, so no. I'm still not telling you where I hid the rest of them. Besides, since we're not doing anything… I was thinking maybe we could… you know…' She ran her finger down my face.

'Really?' I asked as I was filled with heat.

'Yeah,' she replied as she nodded.

'I'll go get the broom!' I rushed up and stood, ready to head to her utility closet, while my love laid on the sofa and buried her face on the pillow screaming. She had decided then not to get herself involved anyway, because she knew I wanted things to be cleaned in a certain and specific ways, that she realised she would get scolded if she touched anything. So I scrapped that plan.

We went idle when the phone died too.

'Are we just a boring couple?' My paramour questioned on my lap after I sat down.

'What do we usually do?' I looped back a question. She looked at me and started to crawl again – I did not see that back-fired. 'Okay, okay!' I exclaimed after my mouth could talk and finally breathe, her hand was still on my thigh. 'But I'm serious. What happened? We used to talk all day and you used to make shame out of me.' With some of her hair that laid on my chest I played with the ends of it as she used to whenever she let her hair out.

'Umi, do you mind if I take a shot? I'll say what I said a million times especially to you: I often guess and assume a lot about a person when I talk, and I ended up hurting the people around me especially the ones I cared for; and I definitely don't want that.'

For as long as I had known my girlfriend, her mind was as beautiful as her. The way she thought of problems in the council was like Sherlock and The Speckled Band. And with it she had her theory about everything, though she didn't know whether they were true or not, as long as she didn't answer it with a " _I don't know"_ statement. She had to go through a lot to understand a lot, just like how she was knowledgably superior to anyone I know – although she read as much books as I. On our first date she basically described my insight on the world around me, that I was too cooped up behind my fortress I built with my books, which she effortlessly bashed through my front door and got me out. Nobody I knew would be as strong, as she had exponentially improved the school's reputation and dealt with the closure under her commission, until they experienced the harsh themselves.

 _Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown._

And I was nowhere near the throne as I was far at sea, being a child that I was. I had an easy life, as if I were born in the cradle with a silver spoon, compared to my own girlfriend. For two and a half years in school I fanned myself with my girlfriend's sweat. Because of an insignificant quarrel that I exaggerated too highly, I added friction to the problems she tried to mend. When I took over the council I luxuriated in the air-conditioned council room while my girlfriend broke her back writing the legislation and brought it flights of stairs so I could sign the papers. _How lucky was I to have her?_

'Go ahead, I love it when you get serious,' I told my girlfriend on top of me.

'Okay,' she started and got herself comfortable on me, she cleared her throat for the speech too, 'the way I see it is we're getting into phases. And each phase has its duration; it could be days, it could be weeks, it could be months. That's because I could call our first phase _the scouting game_ , which was to see each other.' She looked away and began to ruddy. 'Dear, I'm kind of embarrassed to say this, but the first few days after we met at school I just wanted to keep walking around school so maybe somehow you're in the hallway too. It didn't matter if we talked or not, I just wanted to see you or with your friends. That you're out there enjoying the days of school. Ahh! I can't do this!'

'Now you know how I feel. Hey.' I picked up the face she buried. 'Continue. I was loving your thinking look.'

'Um… where was I?' She started another of our play – I knew it was because she never had once forgotten what she just said.

'You're under a mistletoe.' I entered the stage.

'Would you look at that. Maybe I should kiss you; help me refresh my memory.' She placed her lips on mine, just the touch so that I could continue it as it would be my lead for that kiss. 'As I was saying,' she continued before she rubbed her lips together. 'When we were in that phase, all I wanted to do was to see you, I would make excuses too. Then comes the next: _the talking_. We went out on a date then we talked a lot. A lot. The whole day we could and the whole day we didn't let our phones disturb us… and the whole day all I wanted to do was to listen to your voice on whatever you wanted to talk about. But of course, I had to pitch in because I got shy when you're just staring at me in silence. Phase two took days, even that time when you called me just to say _"nothing"_ , because then we got to the third. _The dates_. After our first date you asked me out, which by the way, took you a _very_ long time to ask.'

'I was busy.'

'With your crush?'

'Yes. I believe you two have met.'

'Anyway, from our second date onwards, all we did was to spent time doing all sorts of things. We tried a lot of food, we played a lot in the arcades, we jogged and played tennis too, we went to Kyoto, we secretly went to the roof, we ran away from the group just to have a moment together… we spent a lot of time together.' She paused when I caressed her cheeks, she overlapped one with her hand. 'I can say that phase is the longest. So long, it overlaps with another phase, the fourth which was _the kiss_. You took that leap when you kissed me on the cheek for the first time, then I almost kissed you when I had that knee injury, then our first kiss in Tokyo Tower, then now…' She moved closer to kiss me just for a clock tick. 'And it's still counting. Phase one, we're trying to get each other's attention. Phase two, we're trying to figure each other's personality. Phase three, we're finding each other's hobbies and habits. Phase four, we're enjoying each other's company. Phase five… I haven't decided yet, but, we're…curious.'

'That sounds really nice.'

'I'm glad you liked it. I hoped I answered your earlier question.'

'It does, you've opened up another perspective. Thanks, I really love you.' I gave her a smile, one that I hadn't been doing for a while as for this smile truly replayed all the fond memories I had with the girl.

'And I adore you too, Sonoda Umi.'

Before my girlfriend could sit normally, I grabbed her by the collars that made her land on me again. I kept her close to my heart. Of course, the girl was surprised but she didn't say anything until I scarfed her with my arms.

'What's wrong?' she asked. 'You look troubled.'

'Regarding that fourth phase,' I replied, 'you've been leading for a while and I…'

'Look, Umi,' she interrupted, 'I'm sorry if I ever got ahead of myself and that I've been moving fast. But if you tell me to slow down I will, beca–'

'No, it's not like that,' I interrupted anxiously. 'It's actually… the opposite.'

'What do you mean?' She removed herself and sat straight, and with nothing to hold I clenched on myself.

'I've been thinking that I've not been fair to you. Your point was true, and I have been appreciating every second with you but sometimes I've been selfish. Don't you think so? I haven't been showing that I _am_ appreciating my time with you.'

'Then what do you want to do?'

'I want to keep us on an even keel.'

After a long pause, she said, 'alright.'

I had not heard another response from my girlfriend but she knew what I meant. She pulled me up for a second to set the small square pillow underneath me near the armrest. There I laid my head down after she put my body in place gently. I still felt insecure so she made sure I was comfortable at least, like un-looping the cringle and loosened the earing. There was no rush movement as if she didn't want to scare me more than I really was even though I had my point of sail set. She cleared my hair away from my face before she took my hands. She placed herself on me, her leg was between mine and one of mine between hers. Right then she had her full body weight applied on me which I gradually felt – she had an appropriate density, as I considered her height but her weight was not heavy, a perfect body for an attractive model for me.

My girlfriend knew I still had a hard time to open myself, physically, but this was one of those to show her my boldness, to show her my commitment to our relationship, that what I offer to her in this relationship was also my body. To show her I much cared for her as she to me. So she stayed close to me and that made me feel together and not at all alone. With one last look she gave me another chance for me to back-down but I pulled her instead with my arms already around her neck. So we went for it. As far as we could.

Time was all she took to take me the very stages of undress. She took each step one by one with firstly, she took me to kissing port. There she reminded me of how our first kiss felt and she had definitely remembered every detail of it, because it was as described in my diary – in heavens. As I had been all tensed, that relaxed me. It reminded me that the person who I gave the ownership of this body of mine, was my girlfriend. For a minute or two we kissed and after I got used to it, she started to unbutton me from the top. With one came off, she took our kiss further as if she took me through the town of Colmar, and it was romantic as we were almost in the summer. She moved to the next and was off, she got used to my mouth until her tongue was introduced, and her tongue made me a little lightheaded as she reached out to mine. Tangled and twined. It was the first time for me to taste my girlfriend in such a vulgar way in my mouth but… and I liked it. I felt so loved. She continued with that pace since I didn't stop her until she had to untuck my shirt from my skirt. But then she stopped because I realised there was none left of the buttons to undo. She let me be exposed as it was my turn. There was a lace under her loosed pony tail that secured the blouse, as I remembered she needed my help to tie it that morning, so I pulled on the line. I attempted to undress her and that made her blouse drop slacked.

She removed herself and took back her tongue from my mouth and looked at each other after I pulled the little stunt. Her look was priceless, as it would be one that none other girls would see because it was only her girlfriend before her who was allowed to do such thing – _déshabiller_. It was just time for the next step. From where I was lying I could see the inside of her blouse from the opening. It made me stare because her black bra was enticing just behind the necklace I gave her. But I was too long admiring the sight that she pulled up my chin so I could meet her grin in the eyes again. With a laugh she removed my arms and placed them under her own blouse. Here, I felt her silky skin and her toned body, but I got ahead of myself and tempted to imagine the rest of her skin based on where I held her on her waist. I was too mesmerised that I hadn't noticed when she spread my shirt open, that it created a part from my collar to the top lining of my skirt, I was sure the gore and a portion of the cups were shown to my girlfriend and my skin as much exposed as how much I held her, a handful.

I tried to pull my hand to close myself but she grabbed them still on her waist.

'It's okay,' she purred and slowly dragged up my hands until I felt her ribs. She laid her head on me once again and I continued the voyage of my hands alone, while she grabbed the collars of my shirt.

Her skin of winter snow was not cold, but a little chilly for her body temperature. I continued up and I almost felt all her ribs. She spread the collars of my shirt to kiss my jaw and my neck. Then I went to her front where I felt her firm abdominal muscle and the curve of her diaphragm. She kissed my collars to my chest plate, and I felt her hands held on my skin, as much as I held hers. I went behind her and felt her strong back and up where I finally met her bra and the unguarded hook was right there. She had stopped kissing me since I had been playing with her guard. I continued my hand by following the shape of her bra and to the front as I felt her breasts from the sides just the slightest.

All of a sudden and immediately she sat up and my hands were too far to feel the rest. Her blouse was still lifted and her shoulder was exposed – so amorous. We didn't break the eye contact until she crossed her arms and took off her blouse entirely, which she laid it on the backrest at her end. I saw her body so intoxicating with her alluring bra that I could finally see clearly and somehow highlighted her shape and size. I had seen her like this before – in my room as I had forgotten her uniform when we wanted to practice _kyūdō_ , in the changing room before and after practice when we were still in µ's and I was staring, after she showered when sometimes she had forgot her clothes, or the times we were at the beach and her body was dripping wet after she swam – but I never imagined I would see it again in this position, to show intentionally and for me, for a different purpose, to undress. Between her well-accommodated, lusty breasts hung the necklace I gave her. My hands fainted that she had to take both of them and palmed on her own breasts, one for each, slowly and gradually. That was the sudden crave I was hoping for since I had a peek and was satisfied. They were delicate with supple build as I grasped, but my palms were too small to entirely cradle hers. She continued to press my hands against herself until I was familiar, we were introduced. She wore a blush as a makeup on her cheeks that she overdid and bit her own lip in a way I had never seen and eyes of weak I never looked at and a cry like I had never heard. Heavily she breathed with each grasp I made. She showed me how to make her utterly vulnerable.

After I had a share of my time hearing her exotic dulcet whines, she let me be with them as she crawled up my arms to spread the opening of my shirt wider until it was off my shoulders. I lost on whichever stage we were but I enjoyed her disrupted kisses whenever I clutched. Right now I was almost as exposed as my girlfriend was, which I mind if I thought about it then but I was sure I would be okay if it were for my girlfriend alone to see. My thumb began to dig underneath her bra where I felt softer skin and bare breasts, not yet exposed. She also slid down both of my straps but my bra was still intact though a little loose. I was as vulnerable as she was. Again, I was distracted and only realised when her hand was running up my leg. I wore the same make up, as I remembered how she complimented the slender and youthful frame of my legs, though she had them herself that I admired. She had long passed my knee and continued her way around my thigh. That was a wrong day to wear a skirt, as I was already on show. The grip was tender and massaging, and I hated to admit but she made me feel relaxed yet aroused at the same time, so I copied it on her bra over her breasts before moving my hands behind her, back to where the hooks were. For I thought it was how I could show my love for her too, I pushed them through and the hooks were off, causing the bra I was looking at a little slack that I could had easily lift them to reveal her nakedly. But I felt her hand already on the strap of the delicate and she were dangerously close, and she was not about to turn her hand away. I was suddenly afraid of what I did not know.

I snapped. I pushed with my hands on her, that made her cry a little louder.

'I'm sorry!' I wept with my hands I retracted. 'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I can't.' My heart burst with each beat.

'What is it, Umi? Was I too greedy?' She asked as she too had her hand with her again away from danger.

'No, no. It's not what you did.' I was heavily breathing and I pulled on my girlfriend by the neck so she could rest on me, or at least to show I didn't mean to repel. 'I panicked. If… if you want to continue… I'll… I'll be okay.'

'Not like this. You don't look okay, dear. We don't have to do anything if you're not comfortable, because that's the whole point.'

She began to caress my head for a minute and that was comforting, and I never felt less loved. _Why had I thrown her all those comfort, hope and love all of a sudden under the bus?_ Until my cry stopped, my breathing went back to normal and my heartbeat reduced bpm, she kissed my forehead and removed herself. She looked around and stood to walk behind the sofa to grab her fallen blouse. She sat near my feet and wore it back on. With her hands that reached out to me, she pulled me to sit upright. In her warmth she buttoned me again while all I could do was to stare at my girlfriend's smile.

'Something in your mind, dear?' she asked and pulled out her hairband to remake her ponytail as it was messy.

 _I am selfish_. The only phrase I knew from the tip of my tongue and on the first wall of my mind and along the first beat of my heart since I knew my girlfriend. I had no empathy and I coldly manipulated this relationship for my own benefit regardless of thinking how my girlfriend, my partner, the only other person involved, would think and feel… I toyed with her desires. But all I knew that I took her place in her mind and in her heart, yet I hadn't done the same for her. I had not mind and I had not loved her the same. _I am such a failure_.

'I'm sorry. I thought I was ready, but I didn't realise what we're getting ourselves into. But at the end I coward again and I pushed you as well…' I rested my head on her collar.

'Don't blame yourself, Umi,' she said after she finished tying and started to comb my hair, that apparently tangled at a few places. 'When I was the leader of the council and was the president, I only care for the results and the outcomes. But right now as your girlfriend, your commitment is as respected. As long as we are heading somewhere, it doesn't matter how long it takes, I'm fine with it. We'll be ready when you are. Maybe in our relationship I have to take the lead before we dated, but now, it looks like everything will have to be in your pace, Umi.'

We kissed again to end the stages, which I knew was the final because that would conclude anything else from happening. And in my selfish self said so. She sat on my favourite side of the sofa and started to move around her bra; she readjusted the straps too, which apparently meant I moved my hands too much. She gasped as she looked at me when she reached both of her hands behind, that she had to hook her bra that I apparently snapped out of my shameful unconscious self.

But the leftover of her kiss was still on me as I still tasted her lipstick. 'Who else have you kissed?'

A sudden wreck as her smile sank to the depths. She had stopped her movements too. 'Umi, I'm going to ask you to clarify your question.' Her lifebuoy unsunk the gaping pardon. 'Because right now, what I heard from you really hurts me. I don't want to misunderstand you. So what did you mean when you asked that, Umi?'

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you,' I belayed. 'What I meant was to ask you about… about your past. About your relationship before me. I never really heard you talk about this and I felt so insecure about myself. So a better question of this would be… who else have you compared me with? Who else have you dated?'

It was always a bother to me whenever my girlfriend talked to another girl or any other person except our friends. To her trainer and other idols at the agency, to her seniors and her classmates back at Otonokizaka, to her fans who got access backstage, I was always troubled. I could not stand still while she talked to someone who she would meet in a regular basis and would woo her, though often they did. This was not uncommon as I had seen them in person and in front of me – I could not take much action since I was not allowed to jeopardise the secrecy of our relationship at the fore of the sea of fans and of the public. But when I saw them, especially ones who would dare to touch my girlfriend, I became insecure of how close the pedestal my beloved put me on; as if I were competing so I often show my dominance.

It was to the point I got possessive sometimes. My personal idol always been nice and always been kind, even to strangers and her fans only if she were in public or in special events because she would disguise otherwise. Lines or crowd of fans she would shake their hands and would start small conversation, one by one, though not all. She always had guards on her sides and a railing between her and the fans, but there was nothing to separate their conversation and contact if she hadn't built it herself, and who knew if they would initiate a spark. From afar I raged in jealousy and boiled in greed and snapping sticks of patience. I was often edgy on her timid manager, who would usually stand near her, not preventing the meeting for going too long! Once in her dressing room I rushed up to her, of course when she was alone, to give an eager kiss as a reminder whose eyes she should appreciate.

But she understood my over-protective, over-competitive, and over-paranoid nature. I too acknowledged them but in just a click she could dispose them off of me just by taking her necklace and repeating a twenty-to-life vow: " _forever I'm yours"_.

For something as much as a kiss, I had given my first to my only girlfriend. And her twenty-to-life vow wouldn't work for this. In those books I had been exposed to so much when I was younger, first kiss was all one needed to guarantee love to last forever. A special recipe for love potion with one ingredient. Yes, I believed in those tales. But if I did, so hard that I did, even wished it for my fairy godmother to give hers to me too, that would only mean I believed the same effect on my girlfriend. But I could not rest peacefully without knowing who she loved forever.

Because I never heard even once a mention or at least a name.


	8. Chapter 6: The Grapevine

...

 **The Grapevine**

Chapter 6

...

* * *

Dear diary, I heard a lot today…

* * *

 **F** rom the way I asked her it was a question that could easily be misinterpreted but she offered a chance for me to explain myself; because the way I did especially after we kissed, seemed that I had accused her of cheating, which she never would. And that was what I loved about my girlfriend, that she would give an equal opportunity to talk and would not interrupt unless she already knew what was discussed; even if she were talking to an opponent. She had taught me a lot before I took Nozomi's position. The respectable status for this former student council president was built on the grounds of concrete, fairness, and reason for they were the basic elements to run a Carnot organisation – the most efficient engine cycle. I tried my best to be as good as her, though I still had to refer to my girlfriend for help even when Honoka, Kotori, and I couldn't solve a simple complication in her eyes. Ever since I saw her took the presidency position I knew she was a woman of power, queen of hearts, as I saw her true diligence and perseverance came into being with these the three ideals; even though we went on a date straight after her presidential handover. Misunderstanding would be the second last thing she would let herself be fiddled with. And with her relationship with me, she brought her concrete, fairness, and reason to skipper this ship of ours. And I didn't want her to be the captain of a sinking ship.

So I explained myself, and all I asked for was about her history in relationship.

But to her, it wasn't something as casual as how I saw mine. She once told me that she had a horrible first, but I never heard her told the rest of the tale, thus I didn't give her that third kiss on the cheek for that reason and the ones followed after too. At school I heard the rumours, still, but they were never true as I could confirm them myself. Even after we had officially dated, I could confirm the false – but we were great at keeping our relationship a secret from the rest of the school. However, even to me, her history was never too clear. It was as if it had disappeared into thin air and clouded by fog. Impossible to extract even for methods of distillation nor _enfleurage_. A torn page, per se.

...

So, after I refined the question and redefined my intention she looked at me tensed, just how I was earlier. I had trouble opening myself, physically, but my girlfriend helped me through. She, on the other hand, had trouble on opening herself about the past. But I was not there for her for comfort, but I forced her instead.

She was just adjusting her bra when I questioned, and she suddenly abandoned it – I could still see the black strap from her slanted blouse. Cold she had turned and ice she had become. A face of worry yet panic, if she had ever pulled one, would be the look I was staring at. She kept herself quiet and only her eyes were still the ones I trusted. But even those cornflowers died of guilt about the answer lied behind them. Those eyes of grim looked like the eyes of repentance but it seemed that the sins were back to haunt.

I reached out to her just before she stood and bit her nail, again a sight I never seen. She strode around the sofa and towards the kitchen but stopped by the barstool and held on to one of them – she didn't want to trip. The girl looked weak on her stance and was holding on to dear life.

'Was that too much to ask from you?' I asked after I had given her some time.

'It's not,' she replied, a proof that she was listening and was aware. 'Of course not, Umi. You're my girlfriend and you have the right to know.' She took a seat finally on the one she held onto, then pushed back her fringe before letting them fall naturally around her face. She tried to pull up a smile. 'I mean we have to talk about this sometime, right? So… what do you want to know, dear?' She bit on her nail again.

Time was all I needed to slowly get her to talk by showing my point of view first. 'We've known each other for two years, and in those two, I heard a lot about you. I got excited to hear compliments on your name.' Then I showed her the same reaction I got whenever I heard them, a smile that I couldn't even hide. She too replied thus ending her nail-biting phase. But as truthful she tried to pull her smile was uncanny. 'Then there were bad things too. You know, they got suspicious when I loudly disagreed with them.'

'Umi…' she giggled, a mask she better suited than the tensed or agitated. 'They talked a lot.'

'They do. But my point is, I heard more things about your past in tones of other people's voices. I didn't want to believe them since they're not coming from your own. And I can't kiss them if they're the ones telling. So…' I turned myself to the back, so I could fully face my girlfriend. 'Maybe you can start by telling me how many girls you have dated before me.'

In one of those un-torn nonfiction books she read, she told me to watch for uncontrolled habits or slightest physical behaviours, to detect any nervousness or lies coming from the suspect in the student council; and I had caught some during meetings that one would dare make an excuse for a late submission, and I was the one who noticed it out of everyone else. I wasn't there or even a part of the council when she was commissioning, but I heard her stories, where there wasn't many that would dare to challenge her. So, I did, and I watched her. Her eyes weren't blinking much and didn't look away, her breathing was normal to how I always watched her calm, she only moistened her lips as much as she needed as she had worn out her lipstick, her hand didn't make a scratch nor moving in an unnatural behaviour, her legs rested peacefully… but nothing happened. From her eyes to her toes, she did not move. Her hand, steady. I could not read my own girlfriend.

'There were two before you, Umi,' she said.

'Oh. Two, huh?' I clarified.

'Yeah, two.'

'I imagined the horrible, selfi–'

'Umi,' she interrupted me as she knew how I felt about certain person. She never liked it whenever I was mean to someone, to anyone.

'I'm sorry. The one who got expelled… was the first?' I continued, and she nodded. 'Then you found another one who stole your heart?'

'Before I completely gave it to you,' she said gravely.

'See, that wasn't so hard!' I voiced out as I threw my head away. The unavoidable sins that I chose to ignore, filled and boiled up inside me, all 108 of them though I was at the front row when the temple rang the bell earlier that year. 'Tell me who you kissed last before you first kissed me,' I said muffled by my own arm I folded. 'Tell me about the girl before you dated me.'

'She was kind and she helped me through a lot. But she –'

'Did you love her?' I interrupted.

'I did.'

'So why did you split up?' I continued to interrogate. 'I mean if you loved her so much, what prevents that from happening to us?'

'Because I was paranoid of my previous relationship. I controlled things too much, she didn't like it. So, we discussed it, laying everything on the table, and decided to end it before I hurt her even more.'

'I didn't know that.'

'I hoped I'm not controlling to much with you, Umi. If I had and I didn't know, I'm sorry, and please tell me if I were.'

'You're not too controlling. There's a difference between controlling and leading, and since the first day we met you've been leading our relationship. But one of us still has to take the pace, and you seemed to be good at it.'

'Thanks, dear. I'll keep it up then.'

'So, who is she?' I asked. 'I want a name.'

'It's… Nozomi.'

...

The rain had finally poured like a burst on a dam, for about half to an hour it had, or even more since I had not been paying attention since I arrived. The open air had become more humid than I felt that afternoon. The sound of the heavy rain hitting the roof and the pavement around us filled my ears clearly and loudly since that was the only thing making any noise. The voices in our hearts couldn't be heard but only ourselves in our heads filled the rest. I came to see Nozomi.

We stood on opposite sides of the same step of the stoop, in front of the temple. We stood dry underneath the support, but it was not cold since we were in the summer of that year, though it was still windy with chill, humid air. Nozomi had her dripping umbrella with her and folded it next to her. In her maiden clothing she just arrived. I was not panting anymore as I had my time to rest. I was the calm centre of the storm.

'When I got the text, I didn't expect to only see you,' Nozomi said as she too faced the temple, 'Umichi'.

'She told me to bring a coat and her phone was already in the pocket' I replied without turning my head. 'I would've brought mine, but I was already out when she caught up to me.'

'How does that happen?'

'She doesn't use her phone much around me. Today she used this coat and her phone was still inside even after we settled for hours in her apartment.'

'I see,' she replied. 'I got your text and come as soon as I could, here I am now. So, what's up, Umi-chan?'

'I think you know, Nozomi.'

'Of course, I do. But I didn't mean _what's wrong_ , but how are you feeling'

'Oh.' I took a pause before we truly started the soliloquy. 'I don't know.'

We stood still in our silence once again. We began our rivalry on whom would win the mannequin game, a lost display of a confused clothing store that probably wouldn't know that we were missing.

'So you know about us,' Nozomi finally said. 'How did you dig that out?'

'She told me when I wanted a name,' I replied.

'I see. Did you ask nicely from her? She has a bad history and opening up is something of a difficulty. She's like a karma in human form, it's bad luck to force things out of her.'

'Look, Nozomi,' I refocused my intention, 'I don't even know why I'm here and I'm all confused.'

'Then do you want to ask me some questions at least?'

'There are things that I want and clearly things that I don't want. My girlfriend knows better than myself what they are. But asking you, is the one thing that I know, is something that I want. And I _know_ what's the question. But the truth you're about to tell me in exchange for it, is something I don't want… At least not right now.'

'For someone who promised their commitment from the start, you don't seem to know much on what you want – I hope there is an intention to where you're leading your relationship. Umichi, I'm guessing you haven't heard the story from her as well.' She froze for it seemed she was waiting for a response that I didn't give, but as mindful as she always was, she knew the answer. 'How about her first relationship with the dreadful girl?'

'So, you thought of her like that too?' I nibbled on a chuckle which she did too. 'I haven't heard much besides what _my girlfriend_ told me, but all that I know is that I hate her first.'

'Me too, me too.' Nozomi took a breath before she suggested, 'if you're not going to ask me about it, then how about I tell you everything about it? I was sitting behind your girlfriend since our first year, I saw almost everything. What do you say, Umi-chan?'

By the time I looked at her, which I thought I had lost our game, she was already looking at me. The sound of the rain still filled our intermissions. The one thing that broke our eye contact was the lightning, which made us turn around simultaneously to count until the thunder. We counted to five.

'I'm sure your story would have a different perspective than my lover's at home, but it is the same story anyway, forever I'm going to hate that person. So, what really happened two years ago?' I asked after we faced forward again.

'I'm sure everything your girlfriend told you was true, it's just how great she hides how dreadful this person is.'

'Even from her nicest description, I still hate her. So what happened, Nozomi? And don't skip anything.'

'Alright,' Nozomi started. 'Back then, the school was somewhere in a bad place. Actually, it was half bad. It was bad. I wasn't surprised by the negative rumours that spread around, that the reputation was like dirt. Of course, this was from the scores plus attitudes of the students from then. And their council was a mess. A lot of students were bad and nothing much could be done by the few.'

'Yeah, I heard about it from Chairwoman Minami when we took over. She gave a brief history about it.'

'Well that's when your girlfriend entered. A very beautiful girl with golden hair, bright blue eyes, and attractive body. Just from her looks, everyone knew she was a rare. Within the hour of her first year, she got more attention than anyone had, probably in their lifetime. Word got around school too, because I heard it told back to me. I was sitting behind her and within that hour all I could see around were eyes, two of each. While the only thing I couldn't see were hers. Then I spied her, I followed her around, when I suddenly noticed there were three other girls hid where I hid, and spotted another three across the hall, doing the same thing. So there we were, the three of us cramping behind the locker. Then you know what I also noticed? I saw the same thing happened, eyes staring at her all 360. But I also noticed their different coloured of ties. And another thing I noticed, these stares were different to the first-years.'

'How so?' I followed up.

'There was something in how they looked at her. These girls who looked at her with thirst, would approach her. They made passes at her. I could tell she felt uncomfortable just by how she cornered herself to the window and couldn't even turn back when these girls teased her. But the weird thing was that nobody tried to help her. The first-years were afraid of their seniors, and I imagined her too. During lunch she ate alone. Because some of our classmates did ate with her once but were told off by our senior the next day. So, she ate lunch alone. During sports period she didn't have a partner and didn't talk much. She had trouble finding groups or partners in class too. Some of us didn't even know how her voice was.'

'That's just horrible. Nobody was brave enough to even walk with her?'

'By the way, I was eating alone too, thanks for asking, Umi-chan.' She giggled. 'And no, because during lunch a lot of seniors would walk around school to flirt with her. She lasted two weeks like that. And every day I saw her got scared and every day I saw her cringed, I couldn't bear looking for more than a minute, you know. Everyone knew where her locker was, and a lot of seniors would hang around there, not to mention piling up notes in her locker. For another week she didn't touch the locker, so she had to bring everything with her – I could hear it so heavy when she put in on her desk. Then one day, someone actually saved her from being cornered. That's right, the president at that time.'

'How come that didn't sound horrible. I thought she was a bad person from the start.'

'Because I just started; you'll see, Umichi. Now, this president was popular too, well that's how she got her vote anyway. She came to save your girlfriend every day, until nobody came near. And for the first time, for our unestablished club that stalked her, saw her happy and no longer startled by a senior; since there's only one who's making advances. She could even freely use her locker whenever she liked. Then for the first time, she admitted someone was actually kind to her. And this certain someone started to appear more often that they started to talk to each other on daily basis. Then just like you two, Umichi, that they got close very fast. But unlike you two, not a day later, the president confessed.'

'Did she say yes?' I asked.

'She did,' Nozomi replied.

'Why would she? What did she see in this person? I mean this girl is a bad influence, I don't know what she's like, but she is isn't she?'

'Your beloved didn't know that yet. To her, there's only one person who's been making her happy after weeks of her time in Japan alone. She thought she found her true love, someone who saved her. Umichi, do you want to know a secret about your girlfriend?'

'I led Lily White for a year and I'm used to you leading me on these sort of things. Wouldn't it be easier for you to just tell me? You're making me feel guilty for whatever answer I'm giving you.'

'You know me and Rin-chan very well, Umi-chan,' she said as she giggled. 'Your girlfriend, Umichi, at one point was just like you. She believes in fairy tale just like you.'

I turned my head to see she hadn't moved a muscle – I was cheating the game as I turned back. 'When was this? How come I never knew it?'

'Because when you met her she'd already discarded it. She no longer believes there is someone specific out there for her, because of this first relationship. It seemed that this scarred her for life. Umichi, have you heard her mention anything about dream, or destiny that was torn?'

'Yes,' I quickly replied, 'she had once, on one of our trips. But it skipped my mind.'

'I see. Well for her, and she believed that this person was her destiny. Just like how you see your girlfriend, Umichi. You two are sometimes like a mirror. Just that at hers was broken at some parts.'

'Then why didn't you stop her from believing?'

'I'm sorry that didn't, Umi-chan, but someone tried, but not that soon. It got harder to stalk her because your girlfriend was missing during our free time, as she spent the lunch with the president. So, there she was, one freshman among the third-years. Whenever she was inside, our club only had a small window access – we had to "accidentally" walk by or maybe "forgot" something on that floor. It was difficult, but we could get a story out of that. Since she hung around with the third-years, her popularity increased drastically. Everyone in that class knew her and actually talked to her too. But at the same time the girlfriend of your girlfriend, became a little restless. At school, the president wanted to show off her girlfriend by kissing her.'

'What?!' I clamoured louder than the thunder.

'Don't raise your voice in the temple, Umi-chan. And nothing happened.'

'I'm sorry. They didn't kiss?'

'No, no. Your girlfriend, even back then, took public affection seriously. She didn't want any of that, because she already knew that's what's wrong with the school before any of us. But the president didn't see it the same way, so we kept seeing her being persuaded to kiss, being forced to go to the medical bay, to the roof, to behind the school… But your girlfriend refused all the assertive behaviour. At the same time, she realised she was dating this president, she suggested to rise the morale of the students. The president got offended so that didn't work. Then again, your girlfriend suggested a solution to fix the school's reputation. But the president would only grant it in exchange for a kiss. That didn't work either. So, there're these two headstrong individuals wanting their own thing going back and forth. And we both know how your beloved love hard work, so she kept perusing the idea. At the same time, her girlfriend got a little rougher and forceful. We caught the president forcing a kiss.'

'She did what?!'

'Nothing happened, Umi-chan. Your girlfriend didn't allow it to happen, that she kept turning away and eventually pushed the president, and literally. And the president got angry. Starting from that point, your girlfriend got scolded and blasted a lot, and the whole school heard it. Then it happened all over again. Eyes staring, rumours spread, she sat alone, and she's scared. She didn't talk to anyone. Then one person got close, a class-mate of the president.'

'I heard of her, she sounded nice.'

'Yes, she was one of those few, but not entirely pure. This girl told the truth to your girlfriend. Everything.'

'Mind if I ask what they are?'

'Apparently only your girlfriend knew what they are, until today no other soul knew about it. But the gist was that the president was a bad person. And you may ask why this person told her, that was because this heroine wanted them to breakup and date her instead.'

'Oh.'

'A lot of girls wanted to date your girlfriend, Umichi. You just have to accept that.'

'I do. I just got jealous sometimes.'

'Are you jealous of something that had or even never happened?' Nozomi continued, 'anyway, your girlfriend stayed still, and didn't let the horrible gossips bother her. But we found awful things while we weren't stalking. We found the president cheating.'

'Was it the one in the council room?'

'Actually, not yet. We first saw the president kissing a girl in the hallway. A few times we passed them making out elsewhere. I couldn't handle the fact that your beloved was cheated on, I had to tell her. So, one day, after I saw them I quickly ran to class to look for her but only on the stairs I found her so I called. Now listen to this, my first words to her was, "your girlfriend is cheating on you." Instead of a proper introduction.'

'Nozomi… Thanks for telling her.'

'No problem. We got to talk afterwards, and apparently, I was not the first person to tell that to her. Everyone else had seen it. She told me that she was going to talk to the president and cleared things up. And only then we introduced ourselves.'

'I see.' I giggled too. 'So that's how you two actually met?'

'A little bit like that. I did mention that I saw something in her that felt familiar, and that's something true as well. I was her true friend from the start. I was her first friend. But here's the dilemma, that I got to befriend her because the president wasn't around to tell me off, she was busy with another girls' mouth. Anyway, we got to talk since, well, I was her neighbour in class after all. Then one day I couldn't get anything from her, but I heard from the other stalkers that they were in a big argument. She didn't talk to anyone, not even to me. Only after a few days she could talk again. But there was another argument. She concealed herself though we didn't talk about her problems. She never liked it, talking or admitting about problems she couldn't get around, I mean. The finally she did speak again. She told me she bought a present for her girlfriend, to make up everything she's ' _done wrong,'_ she said.'

'Did you know what she bought?'

'No,' she answered. 'She wouldn't tell me. I heard it was a box of chocolate, but the box was a little too small for it, except if she got one single piece. I thought you knew, Umi-chan.'

'No,' I answered too. 'But I heard the rest of this story.'

'I don't think you have. Because you won't be here and if you had heard _this_ part, Umi-chan.' She paused with a concerning look pointed at me. Herself was faced by a curious face. 'But before I continue, I wanted to say sorry _to you_ , because I wished her good luck before she gave that present… So there she went to meet the president. Of course I knew this after, but she caught them kissing. I saw her crying on the second floor, everyone else saw it too that day. For the first time, this withstanding girl under torture could finally cry. A little guilt from the rest of the first-years that we were glad, not because she was broken, but because she could finally express it. We also saw the president chased after her. Here comes the worse part: the president started to insult your girlfriend, accusing, and cursing a lot, blaming your girlfriend for cheating. Everyone started to realise how bad the school _really is_ just from how the president acted. Even your girlfriend realised that, that I guessed sparked something inside her. So she stopped her cry, wiped them off, and stood straight. Her face suddenly became…' She stopped for a wide smile and a chuckle. 'And I saw for the first time, the deadly fox your girlfriend truly is – the mascot that led the school with for years.'

Nozomi stopped and smiled. With a breath she paused and with a glow she looked at me, a turnover of a story by my heroine, as I realised it was no longer a legend since it was true. I asked in curiosity, 'what happened, Nozomi?'

'She said something to her. Aloud. We could all hear it. I swear, it came crawling up everyone's spines and stayed for weeks. I have the chills right now, Umi-chan, just from remembering. It was the first time ever we saw her deadly eyes staring down this low-life awful senior, who everyone was already afraid of. Do you know why your seniors and ours when you were in your first year were so nice and didn't bother the two of you when you were alone? That's because only when she was with you we got her eyes to calm, to turn blue like the sky, not the blue like the torch. Your girlfriend was the first to stood up against the president who uselessly stood and was speechless.' Nozomi's smile stopped, a rather cold look instead after a second she reminisced.

'Nozomi?' I called.

She looked at me after I called and snapped back alive as if she saw something bad, and the only thing that filled me was the trepidation I did not expect. 'Sorry, Umi-chan. I don't know if I could tell you this, because here comes the worst part. The vixen apparently set fire on her prey. The president got embarrassed by the people looking at her, and the words to spoken. Offended every sin in her blood and bones from what your beloved said to her too, she… she struck her hand across your girlfriend.'

'No,' I reacted after I dropped my umbrella and turned my body. I was about to fall, faint and light headed. 'No, Nozomi. No, please no! Say it's not true!'

'I'm sorry, Umi-chan,' she said as she looked away. 'She hit her across the face.'

Suddenly I felt weak as my body felt heavy too. I gained the mass from all the wrath I accumulated just seconds ago. The amount of rain that had fallen that day couldn't be compared to the water that stuffed my lungs. Diaphragm swollen, veins popped, stomach scarred, hearts failed, stones in kidneys, bowel cancered, limbs amputated, muscles torn, bones broken, backbone crooked, tongue bitten, and brain died.

I felt sick. My heightened senses completely shut. I could barf out at any time if I had eaten that afternoon. Though I almost did when I remembered our fight before the beginning of my second year.

'How are you feeling, Umi-chan?' Nozomi asked.

'I… How…' I still hadn't recovered. 'How come I never heard of this? Something this big?'

'Umi-chan, do you know the story of how your girlfriend became the head of the council?'

'Yeah. Why?' I asked.

'Well, despite everything that happened, after the two who cheated got expelled, we realised how great your beloved was. She showed her quality of a leader and a problem solver when she gave the principal the proposal and wrote _The Great White Folder_. She was strict and truthful, kind yet intellectual. You know her quality better than any other human being, Umicchi. But your girlfriend was the best thing that ever happened to the school. She showed a great example of being and of an ideal student and an ideal role model. And the town had changed. So, the new president and the new council, without your girlfriend's notice, along with every student currently studying, decided to blackout this story. Not a word would leak, and nobody should talk about what she said to the expelled. A fight-club-rule kind of situation here. I have to break that promise, this one time, because you deserved to know. And an exception had to be made if it were to tell the future spouse.'

...

About half an hour went by as I finally sat on the second step I was standing on earlier. Nozomi stood closer to check on me once or twice, but she accompanied me through as I had my time with my thoughts.

I felt numb to the situation.

The smell of wet pavement and soil mixed together, something so unpleasant until I began to miss the perfume of my girlfriend. With the rain that continued to pour without a sign of stopping, suggested by the lightning and thunder that kept filling the sky, I continued absorbing the story Nozomi had told me. It had been a while too since the street lamps started to shine on the streets for those who didn't know about this story – the lights around the temple too started to brighten. The harsh my girlfriend went through before I even knew her. So many horrible things happened to her that I didn't even know. Yet again for the nth time I let my pride and greed took the best of me.

Tightness of the noose kept choking me.

I was no longer surprised why my better half tried to hide her past from me. But the more she hid the more I got curious. I just never knew what lied inside when I opened that door. When I came to the temple I knew my heart was going to be hurt by listening to the truth, but I never knew it hurt more when I figured out what happened to my girlfriend a long time ago.

Even though I was at the holiest place I could find myself in, I staggered to repent. 108 sins were with me.

...

I fell into depression after a while and Nozomi noticed it. The head I held with both of my praying hands was filled with sorrow. Nozomi even helped me by stroking my head, though it wasn't the way my blue-eyed knight would save me from despair.

'Umi-chan, I'm sorry you have to find out everything this way.'

'Actually, we're not finished yet, Nozomi,' I replied with my head still tilted down. 'You haven't told me about yours yet.'

'That's fair.' Her hand was still on my hot head. 'So what do you want to know about it, Umi-chan?'

'I don't know. I've still got a lot of things to take in.' I stood to face the temple again after I regained my strength to at least bear myself standing before I considered repenting. 'Nozomi, I respect you very much and I love you too. You're my friend and my sister. And I respect your privacy about your relationship. But as you said, I deserved to know. So, between the clash in my head and in my heart, I'm not really sure what I wanted to hear. If you didn't hurt my girlfriend the way the slapper did, you don't have anything to worry. But is there anything I should know when you were together? You must know, that I am now clear why I am here, and it is to know what went wrong so I don't repeat anything. I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want our relationship to end.'

'Thank you, Umi-chan. I love you as much.' She came to me and hugged me. Her head was on my shoulder and she didn't hold me too tightly, but that was all I needed from the start, a hug. 'All I could tell you is that you're a close second from the person I love most.'

'Nozomi.'

'I'm sorry that we've kept this from you, although I knew the two of you fell in love a long time ago. It's been a long time since I wanted to tell you, everything, to the last detail so I could share what I felt all these times. What she said to you about me and her, will always be true, because we had concluded it together. We were only on a relationship for the short term and that's before you came to the school. I didn't experience this myself, but I felt like you have a problem if your girlfriend spent a lot of time with her ex, am I right?'

'I don't know, Nozomi,' I replied still with her arms around me, while mine were still on my sides having trouble to repay. 'I'm just… what if there are still feelings between the two of you? What if the reason for you to be together comes back? Because… because whenever we had a fight, we always remind ourselves why we were so close, why I love her so much, why I want to be with her.'

'She said her answer to me long before you asked that question in your head. She said what she had with you had nothing to do with her past relationships, including mine. Because she sees me not as someone she dated once for a short period and who was there when she was vulnerable, but as her best friend who got her through high-school.' After her finally squeeze she let go of me. She held my arms and looked at me like a true maiden. 'For as long as I knew her, I had never seen your beloved as bright before she met you. I heard the story about how you met twice. And twice I saw her so joyed. Like I said, your seniors and ours wanted her to be like so. Now I'm standing here as her best friend, trying to get you back to her arms.'

'Was she truly happy when she met me, Nozomi?' I asked.

'All you see in her was true happiness from the start, while I actually observed her change. You know, after she asked you out on your first day of school, she went inside our homeroom. You were standing outside the door with Honoka-chan and Kotori-chan, remember? Well, I saw her leaning on the door after she snuck inside. And she cried.'

'She… she did?'

'Happily. If myself from two years ago was there, she would beg to do anything just to get your girlfriend as half as happy. When you two argued before the school closure, she cried again, because she almost lost you.'

'But I apologised to her. A million times.'

'I know. I was there when you apologised the fourth time, remember? But let me ask you something, Umi-chan. Does her past really matter how much you love her? Now or forever? Something that she tried her best not to get involved with her relationship with you, something she tried to forget, but you're being picky about it. What I see between the two of you is already like a marriage.'

I rushed and hugged Nozomi tightly. It took her some time to have her hands to reach my back. I replied to her, 'I was… I just wanted to know. I don't care, I just… I wanted to know who else she loved before me and if I had been the best one… and I want to be the best one.'

'You already are,' she replied in difficulty. 'Umi-chan, you're the one she loves right now and possibly forever too. Isn't that what you're looking for? Someone who she first kissed?'

I removed myself and looked her with glassy eyes while she smiled at me. 'How… how did you know?'

'Your girlfriend talks a lot about you. And I can tell you right now, that she never had her first stolen by anyone. Not by me and especially not by the expelled president. So, if you had kissed her, or will after today, it is yours. _She_ is yours.'

The kudzu vines that crawled and asphyxiated me for almost a year was finally removed.

That was it. That was the answer I had been looking for. A sentence that would enlighten my misdeed and there I was cleansed. In my heart, for my soul and my body I asked for forgiveness, so I would see my beloved in heaven if I die. Though it would not likely to be so if I left it right there, because I yet to beg from my own paramour. What mindless child I had been acting, not knowing much about the serenity I took for granted from the world. Only piling mess was my only talent I left myself with in this lifetime, and that shall be what I'm remembered for. I accepted the love I thought I deserve, but hers was not it.

'But I have to tell you another thing, Umi-chan.' She distanced herself from me and walked to the other side of the step. 'It's already dark now. Have you heard anything from your girlfriend?' Nozomi faced the temple again and was about ready to pray.

'No,' I said after I looked at the phone in my pocket, 'I haven't.'

'So your girlfriend is still stuck in a pitch dark apartment, without a working phone, with thunder still rumbling. And where are you? Do you not _know_ your girlfriend at all? Umi, if you're not home by the next minute, I'd rather forgive the worst person in the world than to forgive you.'


	9. Chapter 7: Return to Where I Belong

...

 **Return to Where I Belong**

Chapter 7

...

* * *

Dear diary, here I promised that I will never leave my girlfriend…

* * *

 ** _N_** _ow bid me run, And I will strive with things impossible, Yea, get the better of them._

Never in my life had I ran so fast in the rain, without the care for my difficulty keeping my eyes opened, nor the heavy humidity that took my breath quicker. I couldn't even feel the burn on my legs half-way through that at any time I could fall and who would know how far I would slide. With heavy thoughts in my head my girlfriend once said to me to still be mindful of the surroundings, that the senses and logic would still work under pressure, so it didn't matter how much work there were one could achieve the impossible; and that very line impressed my father to give his full permission for my beloved to date me, and that very line was used at our family dojo since, as she was however, my family. I bumped into strangers on the way without a sorry in the world because the next minute I wouldn't see them anyway.

– A truck that was issued for maintenance had drifted, from the slippery street right in front of my eyes just before the light that crashed into me. But a person as she looked like Honoka pulled me back to give the phone in my pocket back as it seemed that I dropped it, that prevented truck from hitting the brake so suddenly for it was its green light.

– A sudden storm in summer blew a tree so forceful that broke the trunk until its crown fell upon me, with twigs and branches so sharp. But I crashed into someone so kind and gentle like Kotori, that it had slowed me down, and again when a tree had fallen right before me.

– A small flood formed around an intersection, that I missed some parts covered by the puddle that the pavement wasn't level, that I had slipped and tripped before hitting the back of my head on the kerb. But there were friends so close appeared like Hanayo and Rin that blocked my way that they had almost fallen on an unlevelled pavement, that made the three of us helped each other to pass with our shoes drenched to the sole.

– An old store had for years ignored the safety inspection that the owner hadn't replaced or enforced the glass windows that the storm broke it as I ran pass and shatters of glass fell deep inside of my skin and my head. But a music store I passed, that I had to look back, because it seemed that a girl about my age that played the piano as well as Maki played the song of my first dance; there was a store that was given a final warning a block from where I stood, for its endangerment to the pedestrians and had the whole store fully renovated by the month.

– A lane that I always use as a shortcut to the apartment had let a lightning through that hit me and burnt the blood in my veins out of me, leaving ashes as my organs. But a kid, with her two younger siblings were about to cross the road looked like too young for them to be in an open yet blinding storm, that I had to pull out a poster for it looked like Nico's debut and used it as cover for the four of us to cross the road that I had to use the normal route to get to the apartment.

I had no time to waste, all I had been doing was to get back to my girlfriend in one piece, full canvas. But if the gods were not with me that evening, I wouldn't have made it to ask for forgiveness form the last goddess that fell in love with the ocean, the divine being that I had insulted most.

The billion stairs to get to her apartment was not an obstacle for me, with a broken foot I wouldn't mind climbing to catch her. On my way I had the time to myself, a despairing and dour and dreadful place to be if I were alone, to think about how I had let her down. On each step I could say a wrong that I had made, and I could see another was waiting in front of my foot, another mistake that I was aware of. And on each step I prayed for forgiveness. On one of those steps was engraved my idiocy and on another was my cowardice. I had to go through each to make me a person worthy of a place upstairs. An atmosphere that I had to get myself used to on that final stair, as I stepped and passed on the last carving; my selfishness.

Through the dark corridor I slowed down my steps as the cry sounded clearer with each step I made. Somehow, I found myself walking through a past so similar. From where I came her door was opened, I heard her.

'Give her back,' echoed through the hall, 'give Umi back to me,' resounding pray.

Just over a few metres I kept hearing the same voice cried over the same sin, until I got to the opened door that seemed to be the same as how it was since I left scrambled – wide opened. I creeped up until I myself could close it but I didn't, because the apartment that I was so familiar with was pitch black and that the only light available was from the moonlight that the hallway let through.

I stood in front, where other apartments had their mats, I looked inside and saw my girlfriend cowered by the back of the sofa on the floor. Her legs were folded and her hands were on her head.

'I'm sorry, Umi,' she said, anew, for at least for me who just arrived. 'Please, come back.'

I shadowed the moonlight that made the girl aware. She turned by letting her head go. With bloodshot eyes she looked at me, swollen but there were no tears anymore. She didn't look surprised with me standing in front and she didn't look surprised when I entered to sit on my knees in front of her. Only her eyes and her head followed.

'Well, this is new,' she said with a blank expression.

'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left. But I'm here now. I'm never going to leave.'

'Yeah,' she replied, 'but there's nothing I can do to stop you. All I do is driving you away since the start, am I right?'

'No, no. That's not true!'

'Then tell me, the first time we ever argued, whose fault was that? It was my blemish wasn't it? I became unavailable to you to go out on dates, but when we did I didn't pay attention to your problems. I talked too much with other people that I talked less to you. You hated me then, because I asked you to be committed but I wasn't.'

'Don't say that!' I voiced without thinking if it would wound her, but she didn't budge. 'You were never in the wrong. The school was closing and you were the first one to know, and to solve it. You had to do what you did; I was the one who got jealous.'

'But you were right what you said back then. I didn't divide my time properly for you, and you were mad at me until I joined µ's.'

'I thought we promised to forget what I said.'

'Well, I'm sorry. I could only forget what you didn't say.' She looked at me as I noticed the bags under her eyes and her reddened nose. Her corn-flower blues were no longer blooming as they were tainted. The stare was still blank but she tried her best to reshape a smile out of herself. 'You look beautiful.'

'So are you.'

'I'm sorry I ever disappoint the real you, I only wish for the happiest life for her. I just didn't know I'm not the reason for it.'

'What are you talking about?'

'Can I tell you something? It's very despairing, but it's no skin off her teeth, but I don't like the life I had before I met her. I just feel like I was wasting 16 years of my life not looking for this girl, and only for about two years of knowing each other, she's going to leave me. You know, 16 years out on the sea wouldn't be enough to find her.'

'But within two months you found me twice.'

'Look, I don't know when she's going to come back or if she would return at all,' she said while she turned to the door. 'I just want to say I love her. It's her decision to what will happen to us. But please… come back, Umi…'

'Then can I ask you something before she comes back?' I asked.

'In a blink of an eye you can disappear,' she said still at the doorway, 'but sure. What question do I possibly have that I haven't asked myself yet, or maybe what sick place I haven't imagined I put myself in, I'm actually curious.'

'The girl you love so much _will_ come to you and she _will_ apologise, I can guarantee it. She will beg for forgiveness. She will list the things she did wrong, and she would disagree every " _mistake"_ that you made. To her, you're everything she had, and she will tell you that she loves you too. Since she was little, she kept dreaming for the perfect person to be with. She wanted a beautiful girl by her side, who can cook all the food she likes and read the same books she reads, who would pet her head and brushed her hair, who would let _her_ pet and brush as well, who would share a first kiss together…'

Her head turned to her imagination again, right in the eyes, and her stare was weighed by heavy peculiarity. She no longer recognised the stranger in her mind who was conquering. The eyes, the stare of the vixen vanished and I recognised my girlfriend.

'She knows that person is you and she has a question,' I continued. 'Then she will come to you but _I_ want you to be ready for your answer. Keep that answer to yourself until the question is asked. But you should know that the question will only be proposed years from now. That's because she needs time, and I'm sure you do too. And in that time, she must reshape her life, she will have to change herself, to learn and to love you better, and save enough money, to be a person worthy for you to wed.'

The hands that hung steady began to flinch, while mine reached out to her face. I aimed for the one with a single tear that I wanted to wipe too. She suddenly startled when my finger touched her, as if it was so sharp that hurt her cheek. Her chest movement started to quicken and her eyes widened. Her imaginary girlfriend had disappeared.

'Umi?' she reacted. 'Umi? Is it… really you? Umi?' She quickly grabbed my arm, a little placing her hands all over me too.

'I'm here.'

With all her strength she struggled with, and all the tears that suddenly built up, she jumped at me that made me fall too. I only use one had as a support for both of us while the other was to hold her the way I always had, reassuring it reached her back to make her feel secure that I also had her whole and around. In the pitch black apartment with my clothes and my hair dripping wet she cried over me.

'It's really you. Umi… I'm sorry! I truly am sorry.'

'You don't have to. You're not supposed to be the one apologising.'

'I don't care, Umi,' she cried. 'I love you. I don't care if you don't love me, because I always will.' She bawled even harder when I tried to remove her from me.

'You're not supposed to accuse either,' I replied. 'Because I love you too.' She loosened and finally the both of us could sit normally. 'I'm not going to leave you either. But I'm sorry I took a long time to come back. But I'm here. Like you said, in the student council effort and attempts are next to nothing but results are everything. So please stop crying.'

'I… I can't help it, Umi. I love you so much. No one in the world could make me like this and you're just the only person I love right now and forever. And thank you for coming back.'

'I love you always and will always come back. I belong with you.'

Right there, on the floor we sat, and we kissed. She took the upper arm while I took her waist, as it was only fair as she was the one who jumped. I still felt her cheeks wet because of me, but I still felt her clothes became too because of mine. I still haven't dried myself but the both of us didn't care about that as long as we couldn't talk.

There was something about this kiss, one that did not fade for a long time from our lips and our memory, like her perfume as thick as my first day of school lasting forever as long as I stay close. We enjoyed the kiss equally and it was the longest that we had kissed in one breath. The kiss was spectacular.

Then we ended it before we got any further, as I was cold and so was she. On the floor we were wet but we didn't stand as we spent another minute there to hold our partner in life and connected our foreheads together after that ceremonial kiss. With both of her hands still on me she rebuilt the smile on her face, so beautifully and effortlessly she pulled an angelic look.

'Hey,' she sweet called, 'where have you been for hours?'

'I went to see Nozomi.'

'What?' She removed herself. 'What happened? Umi you didn't…'

'Let's say we got things out of our way.'

'No, no. Let's hear more of that. Umi, what happened?'

'We just talk, and… she told me everything, and that's all of it. Why didn't you tell me about _her_ and what she actually did?' I slowly caressed the cheek, that was forever sensitive.

'Oh,' she re-leaned, 'because… you always have a bad temper if I go near another girl. My manager said her apologies yesterday, Umi. You even scolded a fan away. So of course, I noticed, Umi. That's why I never gave you any detail more than a name.'

'Then,' I stroked her jaw to chin, 'because I promise to protect you, I hope we will never run into _her_ for the rest of our lives.'

'So you know about my first kiss?' she asked in her smile.

I nodded that made her head moved along. 'I'm sorry that I asked you that question earlier today, I never meant to hurt you either. I didn't know you have only kissed one person.'

'It's okay. For you a kiss is a precious life-long souvenir from a foreign princess isn't it? For me a kiss is not something to give so easily, because it's an equivalent trade between two persons. So what do you think, Umi? I gave you mine.' She moved back and touched her lips with the hand that earlier that night was holding on dear life on my shoulder. 'Do you think you could steal someone's first kiss again now that you know? Of a princess you finally found?'

'I only knew that from Nozomi at the end. All these times I kept thinking and I didn't mind who stole it because I love who you are, but once I did, I… I felt that my life's just so perfect. You're so perfect and you accepted my love. Actually, just from that one detail I would die peacefully. But to have all those details fulfilled, I'm just…'

She brushed my dripping hair away from my face until she exposed my forehead again. 'And my life will be perfect once I get to fulfil every one of your wishes. There's a reason why others don't get their confessions accepted by me, so you must get over that. I love you and that's all there is to it. And I only say yes because I was telling the truth.'

'I know… Speaking of truth, I still have a promise that I'm bound with forever,' I said when I got myself closer, so I could plant a kiss on her cheek, the same side I always left, 'to give you a kiss like that whenever you share something about yourself. Today I got to spend the time in _your_ head, looking at what you'll be like without me. I can't stand it. It's horrible.' My eyes began to swell and speech became incomprehensively rusty. I cared for her head with both of my hands in a gentle manner, making sure it wouldn't crack. 'You need me more than I realised.'

'I do,' she said muffled on my chest as I hugged her head. 'So for the rest of today, I need you to hold me. To make sure the one I'm talking to is real.'

'Fifty to seventy years after I ask my question I will still hold you.'

...

The night was still a little bit too early, though the dark had been around for too long since evening. The apartment was still dark, and the moonlight was no longer the source of our light. As I held her hand we first set up the candles we had left in the apartment – though it was empty, we somehow had a few, which we didn't even remember when we bought them. This was because her phone in the coat had long been damaged since I had to run in the rain earlier. Her hand had stabilised when I asked her to lit. We set a few on the kitchen counter, the coffee table, and the dining tables too. Before we went to the second floor we also mopped so we wouldn't slip.

We took a few more candles as we went up, with her hand still ringed to me. We set up another few in the bedroom and in the bathroom. Then we got to an awkward situation, where my girlfriend pursued me to take a shower since I was still dripping wet but at the same time she didn't want to let go of my hand. But as we both knew my girlfriend had the solution: to talk while I took a shower. Then we took turns, and we kept talking – from that day onwards we didn't mind it anymore.

Then we went down again. Since there was no food in the refrigerator and would be dangerous to cook in the dark especially with my girlfriend holding onto me, we ordered food using our neighbour's phone. Somehow, things happened that made it look like a memory we recently had. So, we recreated it. We had a simple balcony, candle-lit dinner. We dragged the end table of the sofa and two dining chairs. We were in our house clothes eating our own bento. And we laughed harder than we never did, talked like we never been so familiar, and flirt shyly like never loved. We took our time eating because we didn't want the chat to end so quickly, but it was alright since we still continued on the railing we leaned on to watch the well-lit sky. Since the rain had stopped, longer that we remembered, the moon and the stars were looking down on us, so close they wanted to hear our blanket-covered flirtations.

Our flusters didn't leave us long, but we were too cold by the strong wind if we wanted to continue, and we wanted to continue. But before my girlfriend led me to the sofa, I pulled her back. There was one that she forgot to do, the foxtrot ballroom dance. There was no music, so I sang the same song for her before she teased me for being romantic. But I eventually did. She led the steps, just how she did in the masquerade ball. I fell in love with her all over again and again with each twirl she led. Our long night turned to be perfect, with the arms of the one we loved were around each other.

We re-celebrated our first monthiversary.

...

The dance was coordinated, we were one. My beloved had taken her turn to hum a song, though she needed a lot of persuasion since she didn't want to stop listening to mine. She chose a mellow melody and so I took closer steps, of mine and between our feet.

'Umi,' she said in between her humming, 'you're so close, we can't move that much.'

'Then let it be a slow dance,' I replied as I put my head on her shoulder while we still danced. There I heard her true voice from the heart. So close that I was on her, she kissed my forehead before she placed herself on me. I closed my eyes as I enjoyed the night.

But then I remembered, something that I hadn't done for her.

So I opened my eyes again and removed myself from her that she reacted. It stopped our dance as we were. There was a foot in between us and had my hands to myself, tied in front of me. There was an adorable girl in front of me so confused with her arms still hanging in the air. I told her not to worry, and not to move when she tried to fill that step.

'Can you at least tell me what you're doing, Umi?'

I shook my head to the sides, twice on each. 'Just stay where you are,' I said. For a second I had forgotten, but I looked behind me to see the hanging wall clock I had brought from my room. Then we started our countdown, just that only _I_ knew about it. 'And we're not supposed to talk during this part.'

Then there we stared at our own lover. She still only had a little idea on what I was doing; and none for what was to come to her in the future. So I gave a smile that would say just how beautiful she truly was, to my senses of sight, hearing, smell, and taste. And she appreciated it by returning my smile. And true, she was beautiful from where I stood. Her hair was a little messy that it seemed that she wasn't aware of, I just wanted to fix it but that wasn't allowed because the only thing we were supposed to do were to look at each other's eyes. But I had to at the end, when my girlfriend turned her head around because I took a step to refocus her head to me and move back again. And only then within the first minute, that she realised by looking at the clock behind me, and finally she gave a wider smile to me and backed her focus at me. She suddenly shone brightly to my eyes. That was my one minute.

My heartbeat slowed and drummed a simple rhythm from the percussion. I began to see my girlfriend of how nobody had ever seen her or would, because only I had the privilege to be standing in front of her. I saw her, with eyes that once suffered survived the harsh and still could stand so steadily and take up a simple and local girl like myself. It didn't matter if she were younger nor elder, but she had already matured in a way that attracted me so much that I was drawn to her like a pirate with the beautiful ocean, in storms and in calm love would never fade. Then I remembered the two sparks I had when I met her, but this I felt a sudden spark sevenfold probably enough to blow up the apartment if her gas stove leaked. Everything of her enticed me. That was my two minutes.

The medley feeling, though in general direction for love, had me swollen on the spot. Her eyes suddenly got worried, restlessly too, that she immediately moved to me. She rushed my cheeks and wiped them. 'I'm alright, thanks,' I said. 'Four minutes, I promise.' I moved back after I gave her cheek a kiss. We were an arm-length away and I held her hand. I was sure my tears still pouring but I had a true smile on me. Her expression just stayed worried, but I only could fix it by caressing her cheek for the next two minutes. Though we stayed still, I felt closer to her that I could finally see everything about her without any wall that blocked my feeling, no hiccup. That was my three minutes.

This very feeling was a reminiscent of our first date. But the more I got closer to her I noticed I began to look away from her. On our dates I noticed what I had done wrong and in our conversations, I noticed too, that I slowly moved my focus away from the angel. But during that last minute, because the Sonoda family always respected promised and honour, but I had forsaken one for my own girlfriend for I myself had to repeat the promise I first gave my girlfriend: to always be truthful, to engrave memorable stories with my girlfriend, to be with her for she kept my fears away, to always be with her and fix any problem that may come between us and not let that foot separate us. Every feeling I had for her, since they were all the good things, were on a life-time ecstasy. That was my fourth minute.

I rushed up and hugged her. I just love her so much.

 _Do you know the four-minute stare experiment? It does work, and very well. Already then, I believed she was my soulmate, but for her and those who didn't believe such truth, I would be sure this would do the magic._

'Hey, Umi,' she called after we had drifted somewhere far from where we started our dance. 'Do you want to continue our talk on the sofa maybe?'

From hearing her say that, I stopped. I picked up my head to look up at her, our nose almost touched. The arms around her neck I pulled so I could play around with the necklace I gave her. I cleared my throat to give my best enticing voice. 'Actually, I was thinking we should go to bed and get some rest,' I purred.

'Oh,' she said while she distanced her face from mine. 'It's a little early to sleep, don't you think so?'

'I don't think so,' I replied while I raised my chin up as if I were aiming for a kiss. I also introduced my hands at the bottom of her neck with a firm grip, while I pulled my best a coy invitation – eyebrows raised to widen the eyes.

So, she agreed without a word, because she tried for a kiss, but I moved back on each attempt she made, as I only allowed a minimum of 1-inch distance between our lips. _My_ Pocky game for my delicate white chocolate. Then it was about a minute that she tried until I took her around the apartment, to blow on each candle on that floor with one last to bring along the stairs. We set it aside on the table before we closed the door.

I pulled my girlfriend to the bed and we climbed but we didn't go under the cover just yet. I sat with her while I kept my teasing game.

'Before… before anything happens,' I said with the same rub on her neck, as I looked up at her eyes and down on her lips then back to her eyes, 'I still don't think I'm ready. Today. So…' I paused and approached closer. 'I'm sorry if I stop you at any point. I know you've been waiting for that moment, the phase four, or even five, you talked about, but…'

'It's alright,' she said as I took too long. 'I _have_ been waiting for it but I _will_ be waiting until you're ready. I'm not going to force you either, but I'm hoping that you will be ready one day.'

'O-of course! It's just… something so shameful…'

'It's only a shame if you're humiliated by it. Maybe I'm not a part of your private life just yet so you have difficulty on it. But again, I can't just enter until you let me, even if that magical minutes, that I was sure you took advantage of taking ten minutes instead, wouldn't be enough. Here's something you can do.' She cleared my hair that covered much of my ears. 'Rub my head twice and say my name, and I will stop. Of course, that's if I let you talk.' She gave me the _safe word_.

I gave her a final smile before she could see it again for some time. 'You can kiss me now, you know.'

So, she went for a kiss and I finally allowed it. There we lied, first she was on top then we swapped. There wasn't a tempo we followed just yet, but she had introduced her tongue and so did I. She reached out into mine, but she slowly pulled back, which I followed. But before she could fully retract hers I bit her tongue with my lips. Apparently, however, she took back her mouth fully from mine. She looked at me astonished with her lips still made an opening. She giggled too and tried to hide it with her hand.

'You have the lead, Umi,' she said after removing her hand. 'The pace is all yours. And so am I.' She wrapped her arms around and awaited my move.

My position was above her while there was still a gap between our bodies, and she lied with her hair spread underneath, and she didn't do anything but smiled. I was never given a chance to lead, in our living room dance nor the sofa pulls – the ones whenever she pulled me over especially after I came back from school. I was stared at by my own girlfriend below me, as she waited while I froze, I was under pressure as it may.

She enlightened me as I didn't know how to start, so she started to pull down me after she had a laugh at my stage-freight. I began with her lips again, the one that looked so glossy like a moth-inviting flame. She responded politely when I shared her my tongue in her, which in fact, made her strengthened her pull. Then I realised, she hadn't used and of her hands on me after a minute or so that we made out. I had to be the one to start.

With her blue nightgown, the only part of her body that were exposed were her legs; something I found peculiar that I haven't been well-introduced yet. So I did by myself, ran my hand on her legs. I did two runs on each one of her legs. She reacted with each lap, and I thought it was cute of her. Her legs were long, and they were as smooth like butter on bed of croissant as the rest of her body. They were one of the attractive points of my girlfriend. They were sensitive, and they were difficult to take my hands off. But once I did, I made sure I didn't skip her inner thighs too, where she responded with a chuckle in our kiss.

With that, I couldn't stop myself from using both hands to get to know my girlfriend's body. Just like how I remembered her plays, I copied the same movement as from memory. From the knees which were lifted, I slightly massaged my way up her body from the both sides. I passed the lining of her underwear, I went along the curve of her waist until the ribs, pass the straps of her bra and to her arms. Only then I stopped our kiss. The nightgown was hooked on my wrists that it was lifted until right below her chin. She helped me took it off by lifting her torso and her raised her arms. And it was off, with her golden hair followed. I took her the one stage of undress.

I looked at my hands, the very clothes my girlfriend was wearing, and it was no longer hers. On the side of the bed I rested her nightgown before I turned to her again. She sat with her legs folded to the side, arms crossed with one hand holding the heart locket. She sat only in her bra and her underwear. Even in her state I was enticed. My heart pumped larger amount of blood throughout my body when I looked at her, before it burst when she uncrossed her arms because I saw her cupped breasts hugged by her very arms.

A sudden thirst I felt for the girl. In haste, yet not rushing, I placed her down on the bed without forgetting to properly place a pillow under her head – I wanted her to feel as comfortable as I was earlier that day. But before I could lay myself beside her or even on top of her, I got a glimpse of her whole body which turned out into a stare at the end. I drooled over the goddess whom actually let me.

I didn't stare too long though, because I remembered my place, the one whom lead. So I placed my arm under her head and folded, until my hand perfectly landed on one of her breast while the other already had my other hand. There was one for each. Then I remembered her lesson on mastering her body, how to make her vulnerable, and I did, and she was. Her hand made a hook on my neck once I started to grasp on her breasts. I saw the same blush and the same cry, which only hooked me into continuing. The cry however, I muffled it for a while when I gave her a kiss.

Our body had moved much since we started, and I found myself enjoying too long of taking advantage of my own girlfriend. So, I let her be for a minute. But I still glued my hand on one of her breast while the other I set on a venture, my hand the vagabond. Within that minute I had reached her legs again, the legs that were almost knotted, which I soon parted with my hand through.

She still lied on her side to me while I was too at her. She became self-conscious since. I started my hand on her belly and over her navel, the tender and toned body that I found as attractive, slowly and steadily made my way down. Her grip on my hand tightened while her stare still locked to my eyes. Then finally, she closed them by placing her head next to mine and started to gasp and huff when I my hand was between her thighs, overlapping her delicate.

And there I felt my beloved's, on the tips of my fingers and on the palm of my hand. In between her thighs and her waist, where I didn't recognise the parts except for my own. She was naturally beautiful to my sense of touch. But how shameless of I to touch, even approach, something so private that I haven't got a permission to. How shameless of I to not asked either. How shameless of I to not allow my girlfriend to do the same to me. But she didn't push away and I didn't move away. Then I became aware of the most sensitive part of my girlfriend that I never knew, one that she would react and respond just from the slightest movement of my hand. I definitely had the pace that night. Her voice entered a note I could not otherwise apprehend. Her body movement responded proportionally to the effort I put into my hand, that she eventually made a fist of the bedsheet and another interlocking my fingers on her breast. Her legs also moved around the sheet so much – I had to fix them probably late night or in the morning. I still didn't know how to skipper her body, but whatever I did, she deemed to enjoy.

I held my girlfriend like a delicate camellia, with tender-hearted love.

For some time, I kept my delicacy of my girlfriend and I found her irresistible to take my hands off, as much as I was driven by temptation, but I could at least finally stop the kiss that muted my girlfriend for a few minutes. My hand had become damped and her short breaths quickened. Her grip had become weak as well as her eyes.

'Umi,' she called with an unstable tone so busy. She still gasped and huffed. 'I'm… You must stop… if you're not willing to go all the way, Umi. It's only fair… Because I… I can't take it anymore.'

Before I realised I had got ahead of myself, not at all aware the very thing I did to my girlfriend was the one thing I avoided to get ourselves into. My hand hadn't stopped, even though her grip suddenly became clawing until she had to gnaw on the pillow. I had kissed and muted her again for a couple of minutes and at the end she cringed on me before she reminded me one last time.

'Umi,' she whined for the second time after she pushed herself out my hug. 'You have to stop… unless we're doing this today.'

I couldn't imagine if she did the same to me, and if I had, I couldn't imagine letting my girlfriend go as far as I did.

So I stopped; I hadn't removed myself but at least I stopped. She let out an exhale finally for I felt like she had held her breath like she was drowning. She was exhausted, weakly still catching her own breath and still panting. Her hands also loosened themselves gradually. I stroked her head so gently for I had been so aggressive on my girlfriend. She covered half of her face with her hand.

'A-are you alright?' I asked after I gave her time.

'I'm… I'm fine, Umi,' she replied. 'Let me just… take a breather.' She looked over to me while she weakly held onto my neck. 'What's got into you?'

'I'm sorry, I'm just… not…'

Still weakly, but it was as if she hadn't had all her strength taken for her that she brought herself to kiss me before she picked up herself to sit. She straightened her back like a stretch and turned her head to look for the clock while she untangled her hair. Her chest movement still was a little paced as if she just ran a marathon.

'Wow, really?!' she exclaimed and followed by a titter. 'It's getting late, Umi, and today's definitely not the day, right?'

'I'm sorry.'

'Hey, you don't need to say sorry. I understand.' She turned her seating position to face me who was still on the pillows. 'Listen, if we were going to do something after today, unless you're ready… you can't do _that_. I've showed you where's the line, but what you did just now is off-limits, okay?' She covered just her front with a pillow and a laugh. 'Umi, are you listening?'

'Yeah, I am.' Thus I gave a smile too that she missed. 'I promise. And I'm sorry again.'

'Also,' she continued after she removed the pillow and rested her head on it, 'you stripped your girlfriend out of her clothes tonight and now she's lying half naked before you. Do you think you can even the odds, at least? For me?'

I looked up and down on her body as I sat, to get the better view. She was willing to give me this far in her private life, yet I barely opened mine to her. It was no longer shameful couple acts that I was embarrassed about, but of my manners for my own girlfriend instead. From the start of our relationship, even before we dated, I had always put myself on an even keel with her; yet I had not shown any sign of it when we got to our bed. So, I agreed.

She lifted herself too and aided me, though I could do it myself. But it not like the usual, as I also felt her care. She too folded my clothing at the edge of the bed. I closed myself as how she did earlier. It was cold, a little windy on my body. I felt so exposed, so much skin my girlfriend could see, with only one layer left before I was bare. I felt I was already vulnerable. But none of that mattered anymore, when she kissed me. My hands were better off holding my girlfriend than to my own. I trusted her this much, from that day onwards. I no longer felt like I was on show as my girlfriend sitting in front of me was as the same.

I didn't feel lonely, and that was all I needed to keep my fear at bay.

She laid me down before pulled the covers. Even with minimal clothing I felt comfortable resting my head so close to her while she cuddled me around her arms. The skins of our bodies touched but I was not repulsed and was not at all cold. It took a few seconds until I got used to, that I had to move around a lot, especially when our legs intertwined. Thoughts kept disturbing me about the fact that my girlfriend and I were half-piece-clothing left until nothing could separate us.

Then I realised as my nose was literally sniffing a breath of her hourglass flacon as there were barely any cover. I had mistaken my first impression of her; no, my second. I thought her shampoo, her soap, her lotion, her detergent, and her perfume were the chord of her scent. But there was barely any of those in her dressing table and drawers, yet it was life-lasting scent she maintained – for university she barely used any, for work she had her own in the agency, for our dates she would apply just enough to catch a whiff. But it was her whole being, there as she laid before my nose, was the vintage wine that intoxicating me the two years I had known her. How shameless of I to dare compare and unknot. Her scent. She was her own _perfume_.

However, that didn't matter as I felt the cosiest peace I never had found, until that I never wanted to leave a gap, as long as I was under her tender care. Then I realised I didn't feel much difference on how we dressed in front of each other. I only felt homesick whenever I had to go without her being by my side. Around her arms I was at the dock of the bay. And in her kiss, I was in Grasse.

...

In my diary for that very long day, I didn't write much. But in my diary that day, I noted a line I would use for my girlfriend that I picked up from our four-minute stare, ' _I love you as much as two hearts'_ and I would be sure to use it and would only be once, straight before I ask the question.

 _The artist is the creator of beautiful things.  
_ _To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's aim.  
_ _The critic is he who can translate into another manner or a new  
_ _material his impression of beautiful things._

* * *

End


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